I didn't mean to. And I still don't.
I kissed my best-guy-friend and hurt my boyfriend.
My guy friend and I are super close in the sense that I tell him things, but I don't think of him as someone I would date. I initially had a crush on him when we first met, but that went away because I met my boyfriend 2 months after I met my guy friend.
I have had a couple of previous relationships and this one is the best yet. I love my boyfriend. And he loves me back, too. I always felt like I wasn't good enough for him, but he always kept so much trust and faith in me that he never questioned what I did.
3 days ago, I went to a friend's house to just chill and drink since we hadn't done that in a while. It usually doesn't take much to get me drunk, so I was gone in a couple of shots. and I called my boyfriend to let him know exactly what I felt about him and I kept ranting about how I loved him and was so insecure about who I was and that I was always afraid of losing him. After talking to him, I went back inside and felt super tired all of a sudden. My best guy friend was there as well so I sat down next to him. I started leaning on his shoulder and somehow in the middle of our convo he confessed that he liked me. I told him that we'll talk about it later. And he said lets talk about it now. so we went into the room next to where everyone was sitting and drinking, and he told me all about his feelings. While he was telling me, I guess my insecurities kicked in and I wondered if I was making a mistake. Maybe I should be with my best guy friend. I thought that during that night, but I didn't mean it. I never ever thought that I could date anyone but my boyfriend after we started dating. Anyways, somehow during our conversation, my guy friend and I kissed. and I was too drunk to register the fact that it was wrong until he started touching me in other places. It was then that I stopped him and told him that we shouldn't and that I loved my boyfriend. My guy friend stopped and we both passed out on the bed. I woke up at around 530 completely sober and remembered everything. I immediately woke up my guy friend and I told him that regardless of how mad my boyfriend would get, I would have to tell him everything. I also apologized for not having greater control over myself and for hurting my guy friend like that. He understood and I left the room to sit in the living room.
The next day was my boyfriend and my monthly anniversary. And I. Felt. so. bad. so so sooooo bad. When I got ready for classes my neck had intense hickeys on it and I had a cold and I was crying because I knew that I could have stopped myself, but I didn't. And because I knew that I would have to tell my boyfriend no matter what because I love him. He wasn't at class because he had break, but I called him after classes to tell him what had happened that night. I told him everything as well as my reasoning for kissing my guy friend. My boyfriend told me that I should get my s*** figured out and then tell him what I want. He also told me that he didn't want to talk to me right now, so he hung up. I had a severe fever and I cried all night because I knew that I could have stopped it from happening, but more for the fact that I hurt my boyfriend. Never in our relationship had he every spoke harshly with me or hurt me in any way. and I had never second guessed dating him and loved him. but I wanted to be honest with him so I told him everything. and for the first time he told me that he didn't want to talk to me. its been 2 days only, and I get that he needs time, but i don't know what to do. I feel like complete low life for hurting the person that I love the most. I know that I can't do anything about what's passed, but I just don't know what to do or say. I never want to let him go. I haven't told my boyfriend yet, but I could marry the man. I could spend every single second of my life with him. He makes me endlesssly happy and I never, every questioned what he did or said because I had absolute faith in him. and he feels the same way, but I broke that trust for the first and the last time. I would rather give up alcohol and seeing my best guy friend than loose my boyfriend. I want him back. I want to see him and I want to hug him and cry and apologize so heavily for what I did. I never every wanted to hurt him and I never will again if it's in my power. I just don't know what to do.