Husband found out about my sexual past

I don't know what to do. I've been married for eight and a half years and I have two beautiful kids. My marriage is not great but it hasn't been that bad either.

A few days ago, my husband found a piece of paper related to my sexual past. It affected him very much because he didn't really know much about it. He has been depressed and we really don't know how to handle the situation.

I understand his shock because I have never been a party girl. He says he never expected me to have done some of the things I did.

I blame my background a little bit for having had the desire of certain experiences. I was born in Taiwan, but my family moved to Argentina before I was five. Growing up in a country where my physical features were very different from the rest was not easy. I was always shy and had very low self-esteem. My parents were very strict and I helped them with a store we had since I was little.

I had my first and only Argentinian boyfriend when I was 20 which is older than the average first timer. I was always studying and working. I had s** with him out of curiosity which was a mistake. I moved to the US a few years later and once here, I felt free in many ways. I didn't have my parents breathing on my neck all the time (although I lived with an aunt who was also strict, but not as much), I started driving by myself, and I didn't know anybody. I met someone and dated him for a while. Although I wasn't sure about having s** with him (because of my conservative principles), it was easier to go for it than the first time just because I knew I wasn't a virgin anymore. After several months, we broke up and I started dating another person. The same thing happened with him.

After breaking up with him, I thought about the fact that each of them was from a different nationality. I also started feeling like maybe true love didn't exist. Something happened at that point in my life that made me want to experiment. I was still a very responsible student and working hard to pay for college. My aunt didn't let me get home after 12 at night, but I managed to find excuses and the time to be out when I wanted.

I had s** with my salsa dance teacher, with a guy I met while working at a perfume stand in a mall (he worked in a store nearby), and with a guy I met while working at a chiropractor's office (he also worked nearby). I wasn't really looking for a long-term relationship, although I was kind of hoping for one. I was driven by a twisted desire to try out new things. I wanted to see how far I could go and how much I could be "appreciated". I was a fool, I know now. I kept trying to compare guys from different countries. I met a guy from India and then another from Korea and I had s** with them too (separately). I made a list with all their names and nationalities to stupidly keep track of my escapades. All this happened in a period of about two years.

Finally I met my now husband. We worked in the same place and we started dating. From the beginning I felt like he could be the one. After a few months, I moved in with him. I never gave him details of my past, although he knew he wasn't my first. He did tell me once that he was jealous of whoever was with me before him. I knew then that I had to keep my past a secret for our own good.

Well, a few days ago he was moving some old boxes and he found some of my things from college. I had completely forgotten about the paper with "the" list. He knew immediately what it was about because he recognized a couple of names. When he told me, he was crying. He asked me why I didn't tell him before and I tried to explain that he had mentioned that he was jealous of my past and that I didn't want him to feel worse if I gave him details.

Needless to say, it has been rough since then. He keeps asking me a lot of questions about my s** life before him and I made the mistake of answering a few when he started asking them. He says that no one would think I acted like that and I understand because I know I've always looked like a very nerdy, shy and boring person.

He says he can't stop seeing me in his mind having s** with all those guys. In his own words, he pictures me flirting with them, saying yes to their offer of having s**, blowing them, spreading my legs and moaning like a s*** for them. Sometimes I don't know what to answer because I feel like he is right. I acted like a w**** with at least five of them because I wasn't expecting anything but enjoying being used.

I would hate if my marriage ends because of something that happened years ago. I should've never made that list. Much less keep it. :(

98 Comments

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  • If I found out that there is more to my wife's sexual past than what she told me, it's the door for her. There are certain sexual things that are deal breakers for me and I wouldn't give a woman who partook the time of day. If your husband have such restraints and your list contains any of those then he is married to a woman he would have shown the door had he known. This is not fair to him either. The lie by omission is enough already. If I were him, your backside would have been bouncing down the pavement from a swift kick goodbye.

  • That is why it's not always a good idea to write stuff like that down and keep it.

  • Make sure to be honest with your next husband. Your current marriage is over.

  • Sounds like your husband is just jealous that he never got to have the kind of fun that you had sexually and is insecure and uptight about it. That's his problem, not yours. It's always easier for women to get s** which is why the label "s***" exists, but in reality guys would be the biggest s**** out there if they had the opportunity. You don't need to apologize for anything and tell your husband to stop sulking and grow a pair.

  • I'm so happy for your husband. It will hurt for a while, but after he leaves you, because no man wants to be a s**** retirement plan, he can finally live a happy life.

  • Well it's obvious that you have denied your husband a healthy and wild s** life your entire marriage. Because if you hadn't, he wouldn't be going off the rails and you wouldn't be here posting this. It really pains me when I see these stories of men getting the raw end of the deal from women like you. Truth is, your sexual best was never meant for him. You saw your husband as nothing more than a provider and a father to your kid's, not the s** god that the men you had before him apparently were. And now that he know's this fact he's upset and rightfully so. I truly hope you and him are divorced because he deserves better than someone who just settles for him because he was simply "husband material".

    Ladies, if you read this please don't treat men like this. If you are not truly attracted to a guy and not willing to go all the way for him like you did with other's, then leave them alone and let them find someone who will.

  • If I were her husband, she'd be writing about how I left her on the spot. It wouldn't be so much the history (although it wouldn't be insignificant), but that she hid information she knew I would have wanted when deciding to marry. It doesn't matter that she or anybody else thinks the history is unimportant. If it's important to me, she either gives me the information or finds somebody who will shrug off her past. But she was done with your experiment and saw a chance to have babies and a provider, and she took her husband for a ride. It's a well worn path.

  • What the f*** do you expect ? You better be a wild ass w**** with him or he’ll leave your pathetic ass. He deserves much better than a used up old slur like you.

  • This is something that you should have disclosed to him before you two got serious. I'm safely assuming that the s** you have with your husband has been unfulfilling for a long time and now with this being revealed, he's rightfully upset because he never got to see your wild side and now feels you never really desired him. There's no coming back from this, your marriage is over. You two just need to divorce so he can find someone who will desire him fully.

  • This is why s**** shouldn't get married. You decided to be a lowlife a long time ago, and now you want to be respected. Too late. He will leave you, no matter what you do.

  • I bet they're not together anymore.

  • I know this was years ago when this was posted, but what is the status of your marriage now? You pretty much described how you are in bed with your husband which is a "nerdy, shy, boring person". I don't know why but as I see it you have two choices, 1. If you actually love your husband and find him hot and sexy, then if I were you, I'd start acting like a w**** in bed with him! Time to up your game woman. 2. Do nothing and watch your marriage collapse into divorce. Fully expect him to cheat on you because he will if you don't spice things up.

  • Personally, I think you're looking at this from the wrong side. You said you wish you never made a and kept a list... How bout owning up to it BEFORE you were married? Then after hearing it you'll know if he's the one!!!

  • If you're s** life together is great and you two do wild and kinky things in bed, then there isn't a problem. But from what you said, your marriage isn't great which in turn, your s** life probably isn't great either. This is why he's upset, because your current s** life with him isn't like what you did before him. If you cannot feel that urge to go all the way for him in bed and you two cannot get past this, then it's either serious therapy to improve your marriage and s** life or divorce. There's no in between. How is everything now?

  • I hope your husband divorced your sorry ass.

  • I bet your little d*** didn't please any girl. You live alone and eat microwavable meals in front of the TV like a scum that you are.

  • Shut up s***, nobody wants to hear from a s**** mouth, only good for one thing, sucking c***.

  • Honey we all have a past. That's what makes us the persons we are today. Your past made you the person your husband fell for, you have nothing to be ashamed about and regrets are futile. If you enjoyed what happened back then and nobody was hurt in the past then no harm, no foul.

    Your husband has the problem, he's a jealous, controlling idiot. You had a life before him, (and he before you), and if he can't accept you for who you are then to h*** with him you can have a life after him.

  • Really.. she had to be a s*** to realize how she can be a good wife.. do all women have to go through this? . So any other woman is just a bad wife ?

  • She has much to be ashamed about. Her husband had a right to know how many other men she had been intimate with before he pledged his life to her. She deceived him and even if he does not divorce her, he will never look at her the same way again. I feel very sorry for him.

  • Coming from a man who (I bet) broke up with his girl cuz of it and now lives a single life. If you can't accept a woman's past as women do for men, then you don't deserve to be in a relationship.

  • Oh good Lord, another stupid feminist three times divorced cat lady who thinks it's all about the woman and all men are evil. If she cannot or will not give him a great s** life like she had in the past, then there's no love and no reason to stay married.

  • If you are for real and not some troll just making stuff up for kicks, then I'll give you some advice.
    I noticed one poster here said that if you could do dirty, loud and wild things in bed for your previous partners, then you could do that and much more for the one you married. That couldn't be further from the truth. Obviously you were attracted to these guys enough to do that with them even if it was just a "phase". It seems like your s** life with your husband is humdrum. Maybe I'm wrong but you admitted your marriage isn't great. Why is that? Because now with this revelation of your past, your marriage is really on the rocks now. First of all you need to spice up your s** life, and I mean you need to go full on p**** goddess for your husband. I'm serious. If you truly love your spouse and want this marriage to work, then you have got to step up your game from now on. Forget the soft, slow love making stuff and become your husband's dirty little w****. Like I said, your HUSBAND, not some toolbag you met at a bar. And please spare me (and your husband) the whole "I'm a different person now" crap. That's nothing but a cop out and an excuse for laziness. Also I know that with kids and work it's easy to get tired and stressed but you have got to make time for a healthy s** life, even if it means chugging a whole pack of energy drinks. Another thing, be aware he might be standoffish about intimacy for a while, remember, be patient! If he loves you he'll come around and when he does, you need to rock his world in the bedroom. Try new things that you both haven't done and explore your passion to the fullest. Nothing makes a husband feel more undesirable than knowing that his wife was diverse in bed for other men but is cold turkey for him. And the same goes for him too, if he's awkward and dull then he needs to step it up as well. It takes two to tango. In the end if he can't get over your past at all, then that's his issue and not yours.

  • Wow that's really huge for some men. I married a girl who was indiscrete in some way before her first husband married her. She related to me that it was damaging to their marriage. She cheated on her husband with me early on in their marriage which added to their difficulty. I entered into marriage with her after their divorce. She aluded to the fact that she was used by 2 others. I protected her and rationalised that she was single when this went on. Her past history was deep in my mind but it gave me a strange and intense erotic feeling which caused my erformance to significantly improve by my own judgement. She noticed I had some kind of enhanced strength because it obviously went past anything either of us ever experienced. My unusual reaction to to this situation didn'tl jealousy

  • There are as no damaging jealousy with me..it probably sounds perverted but it's the truth.

  • Well now you're reaping what you sow. I'd be p***** off too if I found this stuff out later on in the marriage. A partner's sexual history is something that needs to be discussed very early on when you two are dating. Then that way you both are honest and forthcoming and if one is not comfortable with either one's past, well then you can walk away with little damage done. However your situation is different. Yeah you can say he needs to get over it and all that s***, but in the end you still lied. Let me ask, do you do the same things and then some for your husband in the sack like you did for all those other guys? Because I'll be honest here, if I were him and you scream, moan, blow, talk dirty etc. during s** with your husband, then there isn't a problem. BUT, if you just lay there and take it and s** with you is like f****** a corpse, then I'd tell you to pony up and get with the program because if you can do all that for those other guys, then you can damn sure do that and much more for your husband. And if you couldn't, then we'd be visiting divorce attorneys.

  • Did the wife lie? No, husband never asked about her sexual history. Only time a spouse's s** history should be an issue is if past actions resulted in kids or STDs. Dude from California

  • But she kept a list of her lovers. That's a big problem.

  • Well that all may be true but it's still h****** a man when he discovers he's married the Town Pump

  • And if he stays married he'll lose everything including his sanity before very long. Best to admit being fooled big time and movin on.

  • But it's ok for a man to town p*** women one too many times before getting hitched. And the wife is just going to have to deal with his past.

  • Obviously you knew it would be a problem since past experiences weren't disclosed. I feel sorry for the man who marries someone who has had 30-40+ guys in her past. Not a single woman, has ever told the truth about her sxual past. Not a single one of you.

  • Ohhhh gurl feel no shame. Like... f*** him 4 getting sad lol. it's all about your liberation. this is ON HIM. U did nothing wrong. if he can't handle that, he's probably not man enough to be with you anyways. Sigh. He's probably a white male as well... trust me they are the worst... and racist. I just married one for the money NOT for what he had down there ;)

    Sigh. Now I miss black c***

  • Wow. Talk about racist scum.

  • You sound like a lesbian feminist

  • You're a b**** and a w**** s*** c** dump

  • Everybody has a past. I don't blame you for leaving it there because it truly is not anybody's business but your own. And if I were you and my husband was calling me those horrible names I wouldn't stand for it. It's not right for him to make you feel guilty or disrespect you like that. You shouldn't even allow him to punish you constantly over something you did before you met him. He should love you no matter what, that is a promise you've made to each other. Next time he does that just say 'and what of it?!' You are with him now and you love him but if he continues to make you feel that way I'd leave. I wonder what would happen if he replayed chapters of his past, I guarantee there would be plenty of things he wouldn't want you to see as well. Don't let him ruin your self esteem by furthering emotional abuse. You deserve respect as his wife and being true and faithful to him.

  • Wrong.

  • True, but if let's say she's being a prude in bed with him but was a loud s*** with other guys, and on top of that refuses to up the ante on their s** life because "she's a different person now", that's absolute bullshit. That's unfair to the husband and making it all about her. Contrary to popular belief, men have feelings and needs too and if you're truly in love with someone, you'll do everything in your power to please them twofold. Just because you're now married does not mean that the s** is now officially toned down to just soft "love making." That's just pure laziness.

  • Tell that to your daughter’s they will never have a happy marriage. Instead teach them respect and marry a virgin

  • I'm sure you have no problem lying to a person about how much of a slvt you were in your past either.

  • No wonder hillary lost

  • You sound like a selfish person, as for you It is all about you. Your husband looks like a loser and he will eventually get over it.

  • Or leave the s***

  • That's such an awful thing to say..

  • My soon to be ex did almost the exact same thing minus the list. She was raised a "good girl" and ended up cheating on her husband of 20 years. She went buck wild and screwed everything coming and going, got into drugs and alcohol and did whatever she wanted when she wanted. When I met her she said she had made a "couple mistakes" in her life. As time went on in our marriage everything started coming out. Things that would have made me walk away. No, RUN away. I was completely honest with her but she wasn't with me and she completely robbed me of my choice to be with someone like her. And now, because she wasn't completely honest, I have herpes because she hid that from me too.
    And just like you she showed no sign of remorse or conviction. Oh yea she was sorry. Sorry she got caught and has to deal with the consequences of her deceit just like your worried about facing now. If you would have been honest with him from the beginning you wouldn't be dealing with this now and you dont need to be taking advice from hippie liberals telling you it's none of his business.
    If you love him you need to tolerate his questions and help him with the pain you've caused. Do everything you can to help him learn to trust you again and put the work into it.

  • They're never honest.

  • But a man LOVES to flaunt they're stuff and how many women they slept with. How is that attractive?

  • This woman doesn't have to be remorseful, as she hasn't done anything wrong. What transpired in her past, was before meeting her husband and has nothing to do with, the relationship she has with him. She's not cheating on him. I'm sure he has a sexual past and if he doesn't, that's his problem!!

    Your wife is different!! She was a s*** before meeting you and she's still one, because she's unfaithful to you. This woman isn't your wife!!

  • She has obviously done something wrong since she hid this from him, didn't disclose her past, yadda yadda. I guarantee she told her hubby, "Oh, just a few guys" Now he finds out years later that he was lied to, which is the problem. You women will NEVER understand that though.

  • She never said that he asked about her sexual past. How did she lie?

  • I would divorce this shameless adulteress and start a afresh even if I've to live alone in a cave . She f***** with strangers and thoroughly enjoyed then never once ask his husband for forgiveness or even saying sorry . I don't think she has any guilt or even cried for her past . I'll kick her out of my life if I were her husband .

  • So you'd kick a girl out for her past, but the next girl has to accept your nasty used up past?

  • She didn't cheat on him, fool!! He's upset, because he found out about her sexual history, of which transpired, before she started dating him.
    So therefore, she has nothing to feel sorry about!! It's him that has the problem, not her!!

  • He's upset because she more than likely lied to him about her past. Stop defending awful women.

  • You were obviously a morally loose woman before your marriage and he's always imagining you may not be able to guard your sexual urges and starts banging with another dance teacher maybe the male masseur who knows when he's away .
    You also seems not to have any regrets over your past sexual encounters . So I wouldn't be surprised you'll be f****** the black plumber one day should your husband goes away for a business or work trip .

  • Just because she's experimented sexually in her past, before meeting her now husband, doesn't mean she's going to cheat on him!! It's natural to experiment!! When a guy is a w****, he's a stud. When a woman sleeps around, she's a w****!! F****** society!!!

  • If only women would understand that last statement maybe we wouldn’t have so many whores f****** around

  • It absolutely does mean she will cheat on him. Once a cheater, always a cheater. Once a liar, always a liar.

  • She sowed her wild oats before marriage. Did she say she cheated? No. Plenty of men sleep around but are loyal once they marry. Why would it be didferent for women?
    Dude from Cali

  • "She sowed her wild oats before marriage" And what does hubby get? Sloppy seconds and a prudish wife in bed. No thanks.

  • "Just because she's experimented sexually in her past, before meeting her now husband, doesn't mean she's going to cheat on him!!"

    Yes it does. You can turn a housewife into a w**** but you can never turn a w**** into a housewife.

    "It's natural to experiment!!"

    Then make sure your partner is aware of your past experiments. And no, your past stops being "none of his business" the moment you call yourselves partners/family/couple/etc.

    As for studs, being a stud takes a lot of work, self-improvement and even talent. Not many men can achieve it. Being a w**** takes no effort, all a woman needs to do for that is spread her legs. Nearly any woman can achieve with little to no effort.

  • Hahaha, well said brother

  • Look. The issue is less that you had several partners before or played but rather that you misrepresented to him what you were so you could secure his good faith commitment even though it was a potential deal breaker. And then also effectively lied by omission to him about it for years and even then told him half truths (yes, us men are clueless at times but even we can pick up when we're not being given the full story once the horse has bolted).

    In a commercial transaction even a court could regard such behaviour as having been in bad faith and award damages to the other. This isn't such a thing but you can frame it with that thinking and the fact you've made him feel like a he's been a fool for years. You have s** easily to other men who he now thinks you regarded or desired more than you ever did him.

    He'll also ask himself what else have you hidden from him even if there is truly nothing else.

  • For f*** sake, is anyone going to willingly reveal their sexually past, to a prospective future partner?! I think not and why should they?! It's their business, no one else's!! So stop with your old fashioned attitudes, it's the 21st Century, not the f****** 16th Century

  • And you're the reason why most marriages and relationships fail these days with your 21st century mindset. I hope you never get married because I feel sorry for them with your messed up morals. People like you deserve to be alone.

  • Sad. I hope you never trick someone into marrying you. Most decent people want someone truthful who has not bedded the whole village.

  • Good luck on you finding a decent man. You sound like a typical piece of urban trash.

  • Hopefully the girls in the next generation understand the value of being a virgin at marriage

  • I bet you have HIV

  • Yep, you dumb broads will never understand that you lose all trust when you lie to your men.

  • You kept track! Something wrong with your Memory?
    Tell yes i was young and dumb at one point in my life but i am not. You didn't meet her honey you met me and if me is not good enough for you than you better find another me.

  • I think most men would find another.

  • It probably wasn't a great idea to keep a list, but it's his jealousy issue. Reassure him you love and and enjoy him... You obviously chose him over any one else! Seems like he might also need reminded that as a woman it's your right to experiment and explore in any way you want. You haven't done anything wrong, so don't let him s*** shame you. Men who enjoy their sexual freedom wouldn't be begrudged it, and you shouldn't be either.

  • Lying and sleeping around are both morally wrong.

  • Oh pleased spare us the whole "she chose you" garbage. I hate it when people say that. Sometimes that s*** isn't enough.

  • So it's ok to be a w****? Is that what you're saying? News flash hun, most men don't want used goods.

  • Amen to that!

  • What a load of crap. It's not a jealousy issue...it's a lie. She made herself out to be someone she wasn't and hid it from him. She robbed him of his choice to be with someone who's done those things.

  • F****** idiot!!! He's jealous because she was sexually liberated before dating him and he didn't have the courage to be, because he was afraid of p****!!

  • Nope, she lied. Why are you so upset about two people you don't know? This story must hit pretty close to home for you huh?

  • He needs to move past this. To a large degree, this is on him. There is no need for you to feel guilty for who you slept with in your past. You didn't cheat and he has a past too. Sometimes when people snoop, they sort of get what they get if they find something they shouldn't. Sure in hindsight, the list should have never been created. Yes, it's sad that he is depressed. But he is the one making himself crazy by dwelling on it and continuing to ask questions. Who you slept with in the past shouldn't have any effect on your future. He needs to go speak with a therapist now for his depression and possibly you guys both go to a marriage counselor and figure this out before it destroys your relationship.

  • How much did she charge?

  • I guarantee she lied about her past, which is the problem. You moronic women will never understand that. What about if you slept with someone with HIV? That wouldn't affect the future? GFY

  • I agree :)

  • You can't change the past so it leads to only one question: NOW WHAT?

  • Unless she starts acting like a w**** for him in the sack, divorce!

  • I keep a list too...I'm at 1145.

  • Lol...you wish, s****

  • Never keep your pass on paper it alway come back and bite you in the butt,now your husband now wonder about you now if you will cheat on him, never keep record or a diary, thing you don't won't people to read, now the time to tel him the truth if you don't he will leave you for sure, that left up to you not me,

  • Thanks for the great advice Captain Obvious

  • I don't think its your fault that he found the list..each of us has a past.It sounds like he is quite insecure and your initial decision to keep the guys from him was reasonable-after all you are not a nun or saint let alone a certified virgin.He should just learn to accept you for you past and all.He may need counseling.
    I have little kids with an ex girlfriend.She was not a virgin when I met her 5 years ago and she likes older men.She told me she had been quite a few 4 or so.When she asked me how many I had been with,I told her 5.In actual sense,I had been with 351 women at the time.Since her and I broke up over a year ago,I have been with 10.I would have shocked her to tell the truth.I did not lie to her;I just withheld the information for her own sanity.I totally understand what you are saying.I compared races,nationalities,sizes etc.I have lists here and there and hope no one finds it in one of my many boxes.I wish you the best.

  • If he ever asked which one of your boxes is the biggest, don't tell him.

  • I agree x

  • The moral of this whole thing is simple. Save s** for marriage. America is f***** (both literally and metaphorically) because we quit listening to God's and grandma's truths on this matter, and now look where it has gotten us. I'll lay it out for you clearly. If your marriage does stay together, it will never be the same. You have broken your husbands heart and trust with your secrets (which are lies, by the way, and yes, he deserved to know all this before you two walked the altar. Don't believe me? Think about why you even kept it from him in the first pla ce. It was because it had the ability to permanently alter your relationship negatively, which has now still finally surfaced, regardless of your trying to hide it, and now he is stuck with you and this relationship-damaging monster.) If you two wind up ending the marriage, this will still be a point in your life that you will never be able to look back on without regret. Let this be a lesson to anyone else planning on having premarital s**. You will officially doom your future marriage in some way, shape, or form if you go through with it...PERIOD!!!!

  • Very well put, even though we must forgive, our heart will never have the same love for someone who crushed our world, At best I would be so open about anything he asked, and needed. never tell a lie to cover another lie. my wife just did this now I have nowhere to go with it. I have had to beg for answers, and its as bad as the issue. If anyone cares at all. stay true to the one you love...........

  • Very true.

  • Well said!

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