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Husband found out about my sexual past
I don't know what to do. I've been married for eight and a half years and I have two beautiful kids. My marriage is not great but it hasn't been that bad either.
A few days ago, my husband found a piece of paper related to my sexual past. It affected him very much because he didn't really know much about it. He has been depressed and we really don't know how to handle the situation.
I understand his shock because I have never been a party girl. He says he never expected me to have done some of the things I did.
I blame my background a little bit for having had the desire of certain experiences. I was born in Taiwan, but my family moved to Argentina before I was five. Growing up in a country where my physical features were very different from the rest was not easy. I was always shy and had very low self-esteem. My parents were very strict and I helped them with a store we had since I was little.
I had my first and only Argentinian boyfriend when I was 20 which is older than the average first timer. I was always studying and working. I had ** with him out of curiosity which was a mistake. I moved to the US a few years later and once here, I felt free in many ways. I didn't have my parents breathing on my neck all the time (although I lived with an aunt who was also strict, but not as much), I started driving by myself, and I didn't know anybody. I met someone and dated him for a while. Although I wasn't sure about having ** with him (because of my conservative principles), it was easier to go for it than the first time just because I knew I wasn't a virgin anymore. After several months, we broke up and I started dating another person. The same thing happened with him.
After breaking up with him, I thought about the fact that each of them was from a different nationality. I also started feeling like maybe true love didn't exist. Something happened at that point in my life that made me want to experiment. I was still a very responsible student and working hard to pay for college. My aunt didn't let me get home after 12 at night, but I managed to find excuses and the time to be out when I wanted.
I had ** with my salsa dance teacher, with a guy I met while working at a perfume stand in a mall (he worked in a store nearby), and with a guy I met while working at a chiropractor's office (he also worked nearby). I wasn't really looking for a long-term relationship, although I was kind of hoping for one. I was driven by a twisted desire to try out new things. I wanted to see how far I could go and how much I could be "appreciated". I was a fool, I know now. I kept trying to compare guys from different countries. I met a guy from India and then another from Korea and I had ** with them too (separately). I made a list with all their names and nationalities to stupidly keep track of my escapades. All this happened in a period of about two years.
Finally I met my now husband. We worked in the same place and we started dating. From the beginning I felt like he could be the one. After a few months, I moved in with him. I never gave him details of my past, although he knew he wasn't my first. He did tell me once that he was jealous of whoever was with me before him. I knew then that I had to keep my past a secret for our own good.
Well, a few days ago he was moving some old boxes and he found some of my things from college. I had completely forgotten about the paper with "the" list. He knew immediately what it was about because he recognized a couple of names. When he told me, he was crying. He asked me why I didn't tell him before and I tried to explain that he had mentioned that he was jealous of my past and that I didn't want him to feel worse if I gave him details.
Needless to say, it has been rough since then. He keeps asking me a lot of questions about my ** life before him and I made the mistake of answering a few when he started asking them. He says that no one would think I acted like that and I understand because I know I've always looked like a very nerdy, shy and boring person.
He says he can't stop seeing me in his mind having ** with all those guys. In his own words, he pictures me flirting with them, saying yes to their offer of having **, blowing them, spreading my legs and moaning like a ** for them. Sometimes I don't know what to answer because I feel like he is right. I acted like a ** with at least five of them because I wasn't expecting anything but enjoying being used.
I would hate if my marriage ends because of something that happened years ago. I should've never made that list. Much less keep it. :(
I married a woman very similar to this and after 10 years of marriage I know (not suspect) she has cheated multiple times and with multiple partners both male and female. We've had many, many fights over the years, I know she loves me (she almost committed suicide when I was close to divorcing her) and wants to stay but she continues to behave like a ** and actually enjoys it. I treat her like a ** (which she likes) and she knows I will be divorcing her as soon as its practically possible.
The only reason why I'm still with her is our youngest child is disabled with complex medical needs and we dont have the luxury of simply upending everything.
Our past actions / experiences define who we are today, this cannot be avoided. The fact that she hid her past from her husband is a strong indication that she continues to think in the same manner as when she was younger, when she was also hiding her sexual activities from her various partners.
She may not act on those thoughts now but you can be assured she is definitely thinking them which makes her acting on them again a matter of when not if.
Also I seriously doubt she simply "forgot" about that list, the act of making the list and keeping it for so long is a very clear indication she enjoyed that time, she's proud of her achievements and wants to keep a reminder of it.
Another clear indication this woman will cheat on her husband if she hasn't already and will keep doing so even if she gets caught.
As the saying goes, once a liar always a liar.
He has a right to your body now it belongs to him just tell him you will do everything you did with your last partners with him now. Times ten. If you took it up the ** for those other men. Come to bed with a plug in your ** and tell him to use your **. That it belongs to him now to do as he wishes. Give him all the experiences you gave those other men. But better.
Here's the simple explanation I used for men who expressed having a problem with my sexual exploits before I met them: While you were having ** with somebody else's future wife, somebody else was having ** with your future wife.
What if the man was a virgin before he met you?
I know where you are coming from. My wife, when I met her was shy and good (I never liked party girls). We have been married for over 20 years and I have recently found a dark side to her. She apparently had many (30+) boyfriends before me and was even in one relationship for over 12 months where she was essentially a ** ** slave who had ** with her boyfriend and many of his guests. She of course has a right to her sexuality but the fact that she hid this from me for all these years and painted a false picture of who she is. I really don't know who she is now, did the girls I fell in love with even exist at all? If I had known this in the beginning I would have run a mile. Our ** life has turned pathetic as she says she is not interested anymore and is jaded from her past. Sometimes guys really get the wrong end of the stick when they get married.
Tell her to go straight to ** and file for divorce - there is better out there
Divorce her. Your marriage was based on extreme lies from your wife. Everyone wants honesty and truth but very few want to give it.
I agree
Y’all are idiots! No one owes a new partner or husband any explanation of their past ** lives. It was none of your business then or now. And to question ”did the girl I fell in love with really exist?” Yes dumbass you fell in love w her w o knowing her past. You’ve been together over 20 years and y’all loved each other until you learned of what she did before you.
She never owed you any explanation of her ** life before you married! However you are entitled to know everything about her ** life since y’all became exclusive. That’s all you need to know. But to suggest that your wife of 20 years is now a different person because you found out she had ** prior to you is asinine. For ** sake she’s your wife. As long as she isn’t still ** other people get over yourself.
KMA ! If he put everything out there she should have to. F.U. if you get full disclosure when buying a car it's the least you have a right to know before you get married.
It’s about the lies which destroyed trust not what she did with the other guys. Try Psych 101.
A lie is a lie is a lie is a lie is a lie -----means what else has she lied about
Maybe you two should go ahead and divorce. Your wife married you under false pretenses and for two decades has given you the short end of the stick both sexually and non-sexually. I'm with you, if I found out what she did before I would have ended it too.
Husband needs to get a grip. Prior to his meeting her, what she did sexually is her business.
I'm not a young adult, like many of you posting here. I'm 62, 37 year monogamous marriage. She had 8 partners before me... I had well over 100. What I think we both learned before we met was that the physical act of ** is enjoyable, but ** with a person you love far transcended the physical act. That's why we never cheated or involved other people in our ** life... which is almost daily since we retired.
8 1/2 years, 2 kids. What has she done SINCE being in a committed relationship is the ONLY thing that matters.
Some people are more adventurous than others. Doesn't make them bad people or incapable of being faithful, loyal, loving partners once they make a commitment.
It makes no sense to me how everyone isn't on this woman's side. She did NOTHING wrong while she was in her committed relationship to her husband. If her past ** life was such an issue to him, he should have asked BEFORE they got married... not hold her past against her when she can't do anything about it! The past is the past, bury it and move on. They should see a counselor and talk this through. His ego is hurt, that's all.
He had a preference and a right to know so he could have made an informed decision. He didn’t want someone like that which was his right - so there was nothing for him to get over if she was honest to begin with you **
You are wrong. What she did before meeting him is none of his business and his reading of that list was invasive and he owes her an apology.
So based on your reasoning if she had STDs like HPV from her sexual encounters before meeting him then it’s none of business to know her sexual history? Everyone wants honesty and truth in a marriage except disclosing their past. This proves that every man or woman should do a complete background investigation on the person they plan to marry.
BS it is about the lies. If you trust somebody who lies to you then you are a fool !!
Another woman
I asked, told all. I was truthful she was NOT! Still married after 50 years. Never trusted her on anything. Once a liar always a liar.
You must be a woman
I feel sorry for your husband! He feels trapped with someone he thought he knew and didn't! This weighs heavy on the mind of any man and something that is once in your head will never leave you! Think every time he thinks about ** with you he doesn't see just you he sees that fun list you made and all is ruined! He has no choice in the matter but to walk away and start clean with someone he can get to know and trust that she has not enjoyed her sexual outings so much that she made a list to re-live them.
If I found out that there is more to my wife's sexual past than what she told me, it's the door for her. There are certain sexual things that are deal breakers for me and I wouldn't give a woman who partook the time of day. If your husband have such restraints and your list contains any of those then he is married to a woman he would have shown the door had he known. This is not fair to him either. The lie by omission is enough already. If I were him, your backside would have been bouncing down the pavement from a swift kick goodbye.
You should probably never marry.
I promise you there is more to your wife’s sexual past that what she told you. You may think you know…you don’t. There is an experience or night you do not know about 100%. You may not find it possible. You may think you knows dates. There’s always a secret.
That is why it's not always a good idea to write stuff like that down and keep it.
How about be truthful whether written down or not. It doesn’t make not history if she destroys the piece of paper. My wife did that with her yearbooks and I said do you think that somehow changes history or the lies.
Make sure to be honest with your next husband. Your current marriage is over.
Sounds like your husband is just jealous that he never got to have the kind of fun that you had sexually and is insecure and uptight about it. That's his problem, not yours. It's always easier for women to get ** which is why the label "**" exists, but in reality guys would be the biggest ** out there if they had the opportunity. You don't need to apologize for anything and tell your husband to stop sulking and grow a pair.
When you are 40 and surrounded by cats and wheezing because it is a huge effort to pull your big ** off the couch. We all will know why now.
FEMANAZI !!
** you - he has his standards which there is nothing wrong with. She should have been honest from the beginning.
Yes!!!!
Lol typical liberated woman post.
Its about lies
Its got nothing to do with fun its lying to your husband loosing trust
trust is the main issue
I'm so happy for your husband. It will hurt for a while, but after he leaves you, because no man wants to be a ** retirement plan, he can finally live a happy life.
Well it's obvious that you have denied your husband a healthy and wild ** life your entire marriage. Because if you hadn't, he wouldn't be going off the rails and you wouldn't be here posting this. It really pains me when I see these stories of men getting the raw end of the deal from women like you. Truth is, your sexual best was never meant for him. You saw your husband as nothing more than a provider and a father to your kid's, not the ** god that the men you had before him apparently were. And now that he know's this fact he's upset and rightfully so. I truly hope you and him are divorced because he deserves better than someone who just settles for him because he was simply "husband material".
Ladies, if you read this please don't treat men like this. If you are not truly attracted to a guy and not willing to go all the way for him like you did with other's, then leave them alone and let them find someone who will.
Very well said!
Right on
If I were her husband, she'd be writing about how I left her on the spot. It wouldn't be so much the history (although it wouldn't be insignificant), but that she hid information she knew I would have wanted when deciding to marry. It doesn't matter that she or anybody else thinks the history is unimportant. If it's important to me, she either gives me the information or finds somebody who will shrug off her past. But she was done with your experiment and saw a chance to have babies and a provider, and she took her husband for a ride. It's a well worn path.
Yep
What the ** do you expect ? You better be a wild ** ** with him or he’ll leave your pathetic **. He deserves much better than a used up old slur like you.
This is something that you should have disclosed to him before you two got serious. I'm safely assuming that the ** you have with your husband has been unfulfilling for a long time and now with this being revealed, he's rightfully upset because he never got to see your wild side and now feels you never really desired him. There's no coming back from this, your marriage is over. You two just need to divorce so he can find someone who will desire him fully.