Husband found out about my sexual past
I don't know what to do. I've been married for eight and a half years and I have two beautiful kids. My marriage is not great but it hasn't been that bad either.
A few days ago, my husband found a piece of paper related to my sexual past. It affected him very much because he didn't really know much about it. He has been depressed and we really don't know how to handle the situation.
I understand his shock because I have never been a party girl. He says he never expected me to have done some of the things I did.
I blame my background a little bit for having had the desire of certain experiences. I was born in Taiwan, but my family moved to Argentina before I was five. Growing up in a country where my physical features were very different from the rest was not easy. I was always shy and had very low self-esteem. My parents were very strict and I helped them with a store we had since I was little.
I had my first and only Argentinian boyfriend when I was 20 which is older than the average first timer. I was always studying and working. I had s** with him out of curiosity which was a mistake. I moved to the US a few years later and once here, I felt free in many ways. I didn't have my parents breathing on my neck all the time (although I lived with an aunt who was also strict, but not as much), I started driving by myself, and I didn't know anybody. I met someone and dated him for a while. Although I wasn't sure about having s** with him (because of my conservative principles), it was easier to go for it than the first time just because I knew I wasn't a virgin anymore. After several months, we broke up and I started dating another person. The same thing happened with him.
After breaking up with him, I thought about the fact that each of them was from a different nationality. I also started feeling like maybe true love didn't exist. Something happened at that point in my life that made me want to experiment. I was still a very responsible student and working hard to pay for college. My aunt didn't let me get home after 12 at night, but I managed to find excuses and the time to be out when I wanted.
I had s** with my salsa dance teacher, with a guy I met while working at a perfume stand in a mall (he worked in a store nearby), and with a guy I met while working at a chiropractor's office (he also worked nearby). I wasn't really looking for a long-term relationship, although I was kind of hoping for one. I was driven by a twisted desire to try out new things. I wanted to see how far I could go and how much I could be "appreciated". I was a fool, I know now. I kept trying to compare guys from different countries. I met a guy from India and then another from Korea and I had s** with them too (separately). I made a list with all their names and nationalities to stupidly keep track of my escapades. All this happened in a period of about two years.
Finally I met my now husband. We worked in the same place and we started dating. From the beginning I felt like he could be the one. After a few months, I moved in with him. I never gave him details of my past, although he knew he wasn't my first. He did tell me once that he was jealous of whoever was with me before him. I knew then that I had to keep my past a secret for our own good.
Well, a few days ago he was moving some old boxes and he found some of my things from college. I had completely forgotten about the paper with "the" list. He knew immediately what it was about because he recognized a couple of names. When he told me, he was crying. He asked me why I didn't tell him before and I tried to explain that he had mentioned that he was jealous of my past and that I didn't want him to feel worse if I gave him details.
Needless to say, it has been rough since then. He keeps asking me a lot of questions about my s** life before him and I made the mistake of answering a few when he started asking them. He says that no one would think I acted like that and I understand because I know I've always looked like a very nerdy, shy and boring person.
He says he can't stop seeing me in his mind having s** with all those guys. In his own words, he pictures me flirting with them, saying yes to their offer of having s**, blowing them, spreading my legs and moaning like a s*** for them. Sometimes I don't know what to answer because I feel like he is right. I acted like a w**** with at least five of them because I wasn't expecting anything but enjoying being used.
I would hate if my marriage ends because of something that happened years ago. I should've never made that list. Much less keep it. :(