Husband found out about my sexual past

I don't know what to do. I've been married for eight and a half years and I have two beautiful kids. My marriage is not great but it hasn't been that bad either.

A few days ago, my husband found a piece of paper related to my sexual past. It affected him very much because he didn't really know much about it. He has been depressed and we really don't know how to handle the situation.

I understand his shock because I have never been a party girl. He says he never expected me to have done some of the things I did.

I blame my background a little bit for having had the desire of certain experiences. I was born in Taiwan, but my family moved to Argentina before I was five. Growing up in a country where my physical features were very different from the rest was not easy. I was always shy and had very low self-esteem. My parents were very strict and I helped them with a store we had since I was little.

I had my first and only Argentinian boyfriend when I was 20 which is older than the average first timer. I was always studying and working. I had s** with him out of curiosity which was a mistake. I moved to the US a few years later and once here, I felt free in many ways. I didn't have my parents breathing on my neck all the time (although I lived with an aunt who was also strict, but not as much), I started driving by myself, and I didn't know anybody. I met someone and dated him for a while. Although I wasn't sure about having s** with him (because of my conservative principles), it was easier to go for it than the first time just because I knew I wasn't a virgin anymore. After several months, we broke up and I started dating another person. The same thing happened with him.

After breaking up with him, I thought about the fact that each of them was from a different nationality. I also started feeling like maybe true love didn't exist. Something happened at that point in my life that made me want to experiment. I was still a very responsible student and working hard to pay for college. My aunt didn't let me get home after 12 at night, but I managed to find excuses and the time to be out when I wanted.

I had s** with my salsa dance teacher, with a guy I met while working at a perfume stand in a mall (he worked in a store nearby), and with a guy I met while working at a chiropractor's office (he also worked nearby). I wasn't really looking for a long-term relationship, although I was kind of hoping for one. I was driven by a twisted desire to try out new things. I wanted to see how far I could go and how much I could be "appreciated". I was a fool, I know now. I kept trying to compare guys from different countries. I met a guy from India and then another from Korea and I had s** with them too (separately). I made a list with all their names and nationalities to stupidly keep track of my escapades. All this happened in a period of about two years.

Finally I met my now husband. We worked in the same place and we started dating. From the beginning I felt like he could be the one. After a few months, I moved in with him. I never gave him details of my past, although he knew he wasn't my first. He did tell me once that he was jealous of whoever was with me before him. I knew then that I had to keep my past a secret for our own good.

Well, a few days ago he was moving some old boxes and he found some of my things from college. I had completely forgotten about the paper with "the" list. He knew immediately what it was about because he recognized a couple of names. When he told me, he was crying. He asked me why I didn't tell him before and I tried to explain that he had mentioned that he was jealous of my past and that I didn't want him to feel worse if I gave him details.

Needless to say, it has been rough since then. He keeps asking me a lot of questions about my s** life before him and I made the mistake of answering a few when he started asking them. He says that no one would think I acted like that and I understand because I know I've always looked like a very nerdy, shy and boring person.

He says he can't stop seeing me in his mind having s** with all those guys. In his own words, he pictures me flirting with them, saying yes to their offer of having s**, blowing them, spreading my legs and moaning like a s*** for them. Sometimes I don't know what to answer because I feel like he is right. I acted like a w**** with at least five of them because I wasn't expecting anything but enjoying being used.

I would hate if my marriage ends because of something that happened years ago. I should've never made that list. Much less keep it. :(

21 Comments

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  • My soon to be ex did almost the exact same thing minus the list. She was raised a "good girl" and ended up cheating on her husband of 20 years. She went buck wild and screwed everything coming and going, got into drugs and alcohol and did whatever she wanted when she wanted. When I met her she said she had made a "couple mistakes" in her life. As time went on in our marriage everything started coming out. Things that would have made me walk away. No, RUN away. I was completely honest with her but she wasn't with me and she completely robbed me of my choice to be with someone like her. And now, because she wasn't completely honest, I have herpes because she hid that from me too.
    And just like you she showed no sign of remorse or conviction. Oh yea she was sorry. Sorry she got caught and has to deal with the consequences of her deceit just like your worried about facing now. If you would have been honest with him from the beginning you wouldn't be dealing with this now and you dont need to be taking advice from hippie liberals telling you it's none of his business.
    If you love him you need to tolerate his questions and help him with the pain you've caused. Do everything you can to help him learn to trust you again and put the work into it.

  • This woman doesn't have to be remorseful, as she hasn't done anything wrong. What transpired in her past, was before meeting her husband and has nothing to do with, the relationship she has with him. She's not cheating on him. I'm sure he has a sexual past and if he doesn't, that's his problem!!

    Your wife is different!! She was a s*** before meeting you and she's still one, because she's unfaithful to you. This woman isn't your wife!!

  • I would divorce this shameless adulteress and start a afresh even if I've to live alone in a cave . She f***** with strangers and thoroughly enjoyed then never once ask his husband for forgiveness or even saying sorry . I don't think she has any guilt or even cried for her past . I'll kick her out of my life if I were her husband .

  • She didn't cheat on him, fool!! He's upset, because he found out about her sexual history, of which transpired, before she started dating him.
    So therefore, she has nothing to feel sorry about!! It's him that has the problem, not her!!

  • You were obviously a morally loose woman before your marriage and he's always imagining you may not be able to guard your sexual urges and starts banging with another dance teacher maybe the male masseur who knows when he's away .
    You also seems not to have any regrets over your past sexual encounters . So I wouldn't be surprised you'll be f****** the black plumber one day should your husband goes away for a business or work trip .

  • Just because she's experimented sexually in her past, before meeting her now husband, doesn't mean she's going to cheat on him!! It's natural to experiment!! When a guy is a w****, he's a stud. When a woman sleeps around, she's a w****!! F****** society!!!

  • Look. The issue is less that you had several partners before or played but rather that you misrepresented to him what you were so you could secure his good faith commitment even though it was a potential deal breaker. And then also effectively lied by omission to him about it for years and even then told him half truths (yes, us men are clueless at times but even we can pick up when we're not being given the full story once the horse has bolted).

    In a commercial transaction even a court could regard such behaviour as having been in bad faith and award damages to the other. This isn't such a thing but you can frame it with that thinking and the fact you've made him feel like a he's been a fool for years. You have s** easily to other men who he now thinks you regarded or desired more than you ever did him.

    He'll also ask himself what else have you hidden from him even if there is truly nothing else.

  • For f*** sake, is anyone going to willingly reveal their sexually past, to a prospective future partner?! I think not and why should they?! It's their business, no one else's!! So stop with your old fashioned attitudes, it's the 21st Century, not the f****** 16th Century

  • You kept track! Something wrong with your Memory?
    Tell yes i was young and dumb at one point in my life but i am not. You didn't meet her honey you met me and if me is not good enough for you than you better find another me.

  • It probably wasn't a great idea to keep a list, but it's his jealousy issue. Reassure him you love and and enjoy him... You obviously chose him over any one else! Seems like he might also need reminded that as a woman it's your right to experiment and explore in any way you want. You haven't done anything wrong, so don't let him s*** shame you. Men who enjoy their sexual freedom wouldn't be begrudged it, and you shouldn't be either.

  • What a load of crap. It's not a jealousy issue...it's a lie. She made herself out to be someone she wasn't and hid it from him. She robbed him of his choice to be with someone who's done those things.

  • F****** idiot!!! He's jealous because she was sexually liberated before dating him and he didn't have the courage to be, because he was afraid of p****!!

  • He needs to move past this. To a large degree, this is on him. There is no need for you to feel guilty for who you slept with in your past. You didn't cheat and he has a past too. Sometimes when people snoop, they sort of get what they get if they find something they shouldn't. Sure in hindsight, the list should have never been created. Yes, it's sad that he is depressed. But he is the one making himself crazy by dwelling on it and continuing to ask questions. Who you slept with in the past shouldn't have any effect on your future. He needs to go speak with a therapist now for his depression and possibly you guys both go to a marriage counselor and figure this out before it destroys your relationship.

  • I agree :)

  • You can't change the past so it leads to only one question: NOW WHAT?

  • I keep a list too...I'm at 1145.

  • Lol...you wish, s****

  • Never keep your pass on paper it alway come back and bite you in the butt,now your husband now wonder about you now if you will cheat on him, never keep record or a diary, thing you don't won't people to read, now the time to tel him the truth if you don't he will leave you for sure, that left up to you not me,

  • Thanks for the great advice Captain Obvious

  • I don't think its your fault that he found the list..each of us has a past.It sounds like he is quite insecure and your initial decision to keep the guys from him was reasonable-after all you are not a nun or saint let alone a certified virgin.He should just learn to accept you for you past and all.He may need counseling.
    I have little kids with an ex girlfriend.She was not a virgin when I met her 5 years ago and she likes older men.She told me she had been quite a few 4 or so.When she asked me how many I had been with,I told her 5.In actual sense,I had been with 351 women at the time.Since her and I broke up over a year ago,I have been with 10.I would have shocked her to tell the truth.I did not lie to her;I just withheld the information for her own sanity.I totally understand what you are saying.I compared races,nationalities,sizes etc.I have lists here and there and hope no one finds it in one of my many boxes.I wish you the best.

  • I agree x

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