Husband found out about my sexual past

I don't know what to do. I've been married for eight and a half years and I have two beautiful kids. My marriage is not great but it hasn't been that bad either.

A few days ago, my husband found a piece of paper related to my sexual past. It affected him very much because he didn't really know much about it. He has been depressed and we really don't know how to handle the situation.

I understand his shock because I have never been a party girl. He says he never expected me to have done some of the things I did.

I blame my background a little bit for having had the desire of certain experiences. I was born in Taiwan, but my family moved to Argentina before I was five. Growing up in a country where my physical features were very different from the rest was not easy. I was always shy and had very low self-esteem. My parents were very strict and I helped them with a store we had since I was little.

I had my first and only Argentinian boyfriend when I was 20 which is older than the average first timer. I was always studying and working. I had s** with him out of curiosity which was a mistake. I moved to the US a few years later and once here, I felt free in many ways. I didn't have my parents breathing on my neck all the time (although I lived with an aunt who was also strict, but not as much), I started driving by myself, and I didn't know anybody. I met someone and dated him for a while. Although I wasn't sure about having s** with him (because of my conservative principles), it was easier to go for it than the first time just because I knew I wasn't a virgin anymore. After several months, we broke up and I started dating another person. The same thing happened with him.

After breaking up with him, I thought about the fact that each of them was from a different nationality. I also started feeling like maybe true love didn't exist. Something happened at that point in my life that made me want to experiment. I was still a very responsible student and working hard to pay for college. My aunt didn't let me get home after 12 at night, but I managed to find excuses and the time to be out when I wanted.

I had s** with my salsa dance teacher, with a guy I met while working at a perfume stand in a mall (he worked in a store nearby), and with a guy I met while working at a chiropractor's office (he also worked nearby). I wasn't really looking for a long-term relationship, although I was kind of hoping for one. I was driven by a twisted desire to try out new things. I wanted to see how far I could go and how much I could be "appreciated". I was a fool, I know now. I kept trying to compare guys from different countries. I met a guy from India and then another from Korea and I had s** with them too (separately). I made a list with all their names and nationalities to stupidly keep track of my escapades. All this happened in a period of about two years.

Finally I met my now husband. We worked in the same place and we started dating. From the beginning I felt like he could be the one. After a few months, I moved in with him. I never gave him details of my past, although he knew he wasn't my first. He did tell me once that he was jealous of whoever was with me before him. I knew then that I had to keep my past a secret for our own good.

Well, a few days ago he was moving some old boxes and he found some of my things from college. I had completely forgotten about the paper with "the" list. He knew immediately what it was about because he recognized a couple of names. When he told me, he was crying. He asked me why I didn't tell him before and I tried to explain that he had mentioned that he was jealous of my past and that I didn't want him to feel worse if I gave him details.

Needless to say, it has been rough since then. He keeps asking me a lot of questions about my s** life before him and I made the mistake of answering a few when he started asking them. He says that no one would think I acted like that and I understand because I know I've always looked like a very nerdy, shy and boring person.

He says he can't stop seeing me in his mind having s** with all those guys. In his own words, he pictures me flirting with them, saying yes to their offer of having s**, blowing them, spreading my legs and moaning like a s*** for them. Sometimes I don't know what to answer because I feel like he is right. I acted like a w**** with at least five of them because I wasn't expecting anything but enjoying being used.

I would hate if my marriage ends because of something that happened years ago. I should've never made that list. Much less keep it. :(

Feb 12, 2013

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  • He has a right to your body now it belongs to him just tell him you will do everything you did with your last partners with him now. Times ten. If you took it up the ass for those other men. Come to bed with a plug in your ass and tell him to use your ass. That it belongs to him now to do as he wishes. Give him all the experiences you gave those other men. But better.

  • Here's the simple explanation I used for men who expressed having a problem with my sexual exploits before I met them: While you were having s** with somebody else's future wife, somebody else was having s** with your future wife.

  • I know where you are coming from. My wife, when I met her was shy and good (I never liked party girls). We have been married for over 20 years and I have recently found a dark side to her. She apparently had many (30+) boyfriends before me and was even in one relationship for over 12 months where she was essentially a BDSM s** slave who had s** with her boyfriend and many of his guests. She of course has a right to her sexuality but the fact that she hid this from me for all these years and painted a false picture of who she is. I really don't know who she is now, did the girls I fell in love with even exist at all? If I had known this in the beginning I would have run a mile. Our s** life has turned pathetic as she says she is not interested anymore and is jaded from her past. Sometimes guys really get the wrong end of the stick when they get married.

  • Y’all are idiots! No one owes a new partner or husband any explanation of their past s** lives. It was none of your business then or now. And to question ”did the girl I fell in love with really exist?” Yes dumbass you fell in love w her w o knowing her past. You’ve been together over 20 years and y’all loved each other until you learned of what she did before you.
    She never owed you any explanation of her s** life before you married! However you are entitled to know everything about her s** life since y’all became exclusive. That’s all you need to know. But to suggest that your wife of 20 years is now a different person because you found out she had s** prior to you is asinine. For f**** sake she’s your wife. As long as she isn’t still s******* other people get over yourself.

  • Divorce her. Your marriage was based on extreme lies from your wife. Everyone wants honesty and truth but very few want to give it.

  • Tell her to go straight to H*** and file for divorce - there is better out there

  • Husband needs to get a grip. Prior to his meeting her, what she did sexually is her business.
    I'm not a young adult, like many of you posting here. I'm 62, 37 year monogamous marriage. She had 8 partners before me... I had well over 100. What I think we both learned before we met was that the physical act of s** is enjoyable, but s** with a person you love far transcended the physical act. That's why we never cheated or involved other people in our s** life... which is almost daily since we retired.
    8 1/2 years, 2 kids. What has she done SINCE being in a committed relationship is the ONLY thing that matters.
    Some people are more adventurous than others. Doesn't make them bad people or incapable of being faithful, loyal, loving partners once they make a commitment.
    It makes no sense to me how everyone isn't on this woman's side. She did NOTHING wrong while she was in her committed relationship to her husband. If her past s** life was such an issue to him, he should have asked BEFORE they got married... not hold her past against her when she can't do anything about it! The past is the past, bury it and move on. They should see a counselor and talk this through. His ego is hurt, that's all.

  • He had a preference and a right to know so he could have made an informed decision. He didn’t want someone like that which was his right - so there was nothing for him to get over if she was honest to begin with you J******

  • You are wrong. What she did before meeting him is none of his business and his reading of that list was invasive and he owes her an apology.

  • So based on your reasoning if she had STDs like HPV from her sexual encounters before meeting him then it’s none of business to know her sexual history? Everyone wants honesty and truth in a marriage except disclosing their past. This proves that every man or woman should do a complete background investigation on the person they plan to marry.

  • I feel sorry for your husband! He feels trapped with someone he thought he knew and didn't! This weighs heavy on the mind of any man and something that is once in your head will never leave you! Think every time he thinks about s** with you he doesn't see just you he sees that fun list you made and all is ruined! He has no choice in the matter but to walk away and start clean with someone he can get to know and trust that she has not enjoyed her sexual outings so much that she made a list to re-live them.

  • If I found out that there is more to my wife's sexual past than what she told me, it's the door for her. There are certain sexual things that are deal breakers for me and I wouldn't give a woman who partook the time of day. If your husband have such restraints and your list contains any of those then he is married to a woman he would have shown the door had he known. This is not fair to him either. The lie by omission is enough already. If I were him, your backside would have been bouncing down the pavement from a swift kick goodbye.

  • You should probably never marry.

  • That is why it's not always a good idea to write stuff like that down and keep it.

  • Make sure to be honest with your next husband. Your current marriage is over.

  • Sounds like your husband is just jealous that he never got to have the kind of fun that you had sexually and is insecure and uptight about it. That's his problem, not yours. It's always easier for women to get s** which is why the label "s***" exists, but in reality guys would be the biggest s**** out there if they had the opportunity. You don't need to apologize for anything and tell your husband to stop sulking and grow a pair.

  • Lol typical liberated woman post.

  • F*** you - he has his standards which there is nothing wrong with. She should have been honest from the beginning.


  • When you are 40 and surrounded by cats and wheezing because it is a huge effort to pull your big ass off the couch. We all will know why now.

  • I'm so happy for your husband. It will hurt for a while, but after he leaves you, because no man wants to be a s**** retirement plan, he can finally live a happy life.

  • Well it's obvious that you have denied your husband a healthy and wild s** life your entire marriage. Because if you hadn't, he wouldn't be going off the rails and you wouldn't be here posting this. It really pains me when I see these stories of men getting the raw end of the deal from women like you. Truth is, your sexual best was never meant for him. You saw your husband as nothing more than a provider and a father to your kid's, not the s** god that the men you had before him apparently were. And now that he know's this fact he's upset and rightfully so. I truly hope you and him are divorced because he deserves better than someone who just settles for him because he was simply "husband material".

    Ladies, if you read this please don't treat men like this. If you are not truly attracted to a guy and not willing to go all the way for him like you did with other's, then leave them alone and let them find someone who will.

  • Very well said!

  • If I were her husband, she'd be writing about how I left her on the spot. It wouldn't be so much the history (although it wouldn't be insignificant), but that she hid information she knew I would have wanted when deciding to marry. It doesn't matter that she or anybody else thinks the history is unimportant. If it's important to me, she either gives me the information or finds somebody who will shrug off her past. But she was done with your experiment and saw a chance to have babies and a provider, and she took her husband for a ride. It's a well worn path.

  • What the f*** do you expect ? You better be a wild ass w**** with him or he’ll leave your pathetic ass. He deserves much better than a used up old slur like you.

  • This is something that you should have disclosed to him before you two got serious. I'm safely assuming that the s** you have with your husband has been unfulfilling for a long time and now with this being revealed, he's rightfully upset because he never got to see your wild side and now feels you never really desired him. There's no coming back from this, your marriage is over. You two just need to divorce so he can find someone who will desire him fully.

  • This is why s**** shouldn't get married. You decided to be a lowlife a long time ago, and now you want to be respected. Too late. He will leave you, no matter what you do.

  • I bet they're not together anymore.

  • I know this was years ago when this was posted, but what is the status of your marriage now? You pretty much described how you are in bed with your husband which is a "nerdy, shy, boring person". I don't know why but as I see it you have two choices, 1. If you actually love your husband and find him hot and sexy, then if I were you, I'd start acting like a w**** in bed with him! Time to up your game woman. 2. Do nothing and watch your marriage collapse into divorce. Fully expect him to cheat on you because he will if you don't spice things up.

  • Personally, I think you're looking at this from the wrong side. You said you wish you never made a and kept a list... How bout owning up to it BEFORE you were married? Then after hearing it you'll know if he's the one!!!

  • If you're s** life together is great and you two do wild and kinky things in bed, then there isn't a problem. But from what you said, your marriage isn't great which in turn, your s** life probably isn't great either. This is why he's upset, because your current s** life with him isn't like what you did before him. If you cannot feel that urge to go all the way for him in bed and you two cannot get past this, then it's either serious therapy to improve your marriage and s** life or divorce. There's no in between. How is everything now?

  • I hope your husband divorced your sorry ass.

  • I bet your little d*** didn't please any girl. You live alone and eat microwavable meals in front of the TV like a scum that you are.

  • Your mom should have swallowed

  • FEMINAZI A******!!

  • Just like i bet your worn out beef curtained up v***** has men lining around the corner right. F*** outta her

  • Shut up s***, nobody wants to hear from a s**** mouth, only good for one thing, sucking c***.

  • Honey we all have a past. That's what makes us the persons we are today. Your past made you the person your husband fell for, you have nothing to be ashamed about and regrets are futile. If you enjoyed what happened back then and nobody was hurt in the past then no harm, no foul.

    Your husband has the problem, he's a jealous, controlling idiot. You had a life before him, (and he before you), and if he can't accept you for who you are then to h*** with him you can have a life after him.


  • Bullshit. A lie by ommission is still a lie. He found out his wife was a washed up w**** and basically was used as a pocket book while she was a dead lay for him.

  • Really.. she had to be a s*** to realize how she can be a good wife.. do all women have to go through this? . So any other woman is just a bad wife ?

  • She has much to be ashamed about. Her husband had a right to know how many other men she had been intimate with before he pledged his life to her. She deceived him and even if he does not divorce her, he will never look at her the same way again. I feel very sorry for him.

  • Coming from a man who (I bet) broke up with his girl cuz of it and now lives a single life. If you can't accept a woman's past as women do for men, then you don't deserve to be in a relationship.


  • Dumbass is it not about the past it is about the lie. People have a right to know about their oartner's sexual past because it can show a pattern of risky decision making.

  • Oh good Lord, another stupid feminist three times divorced cat lady who thinks it's all about the woman and all men are evil. If she cannot or will not give him a great s** life like she had in the past, then there's no love and no reason to stay married.

  • If you are for real and not some troll just making stuff up for kicks, then I'll give you some advice.
    I noticed one poster here said that if you could do dirty, loud and wild things in bed for your previous partners, then you could do that and much more for the one you married. That couldn't be further from the truth. Obviously you were attracted to these guys enough to do that with them even if it was just a "phase". It seems like your s** life with your husband is humdrum. Maybe I'm wrong but you admitted your marriage isn't great. Why is that? Because now with this revelation of your past, your marriage is really on the rocks now. First of all you need to spice up your s** life, and I mean you need to go full on p**** goddess for your husband. I'm serious. If you truly love your spouse and want this marriage to work, then you have got to step up your game from now on. Forget the soft, slow love making stuff and become your husband's dirty little w****. Like I said, your HUSBAND, not some toolbag you met at a bar. And please spare me (and your husband) the whole "I'm a different person now" crap. That's nothing but a cop out and an excuse for laziness. Also I know that with kids and work it's easy to get tired and stressed but you have got to make time for a healthy s** life, even if it means chugging a whole pack of energy drinks. Another thing, be aware he might be standoffish about intimacy for a while, remember, be patient! If he loves you he'll come around and when he does, you need to rock his world in the bedroom. Try new things that you both haven't done and explore your passion to the fullest. Nothing makes a husband feel more undesirable than knowing that his wife was diverse in bed for other men but is cold turkey for him. And the same goes for him too, if he's awkward and dull then he needs to step it up as well. It takes two to tango. In the end if he can't get over your past at all, then that's his issue and not yours.

  • Wow that's really huge for some men. I married a girl who was indiscrete in some way before her first husband married her. She related to me that it was damaging to their marriage. She cheated on her husband with me early on in their marriage which added to their difficulty. I entered into marriage with her after their divorce. She aluded to the fact that she was used by 2 others. I protected her and rationalised that she was single when this went on. Her past history was deep in my mind but it gave me a strange and intense erotic feeling which caused my erformance to significantly improve by my own judgement. She noticed I had some kind of enhanced strength because it obviously went past anything either of us ever experienced. My unusual reaction to to this situation didn'tl jealousy

  • Simp

  • There are as no damaging jealousy with probably sounds perverted but it's the truth.

  • Well now you're reaping what you sow. I'd be p***** off too if I found this stuff out later on in the marriage. A partner's sexual history is something that needs to be discussed very early on when you two are dating. Then that way you both are honest and forthcoming and if one is not comfortable with either one's past, well then you can walk away with little damage done. However your situation is different. Yeah you can say he needs to get over it and all that s***, but in the end you still lied. Let me ask, do you do the same things and then some for your husband in the sack like you did for all those other guys? Because I'll be honest here, if I were him and you scream, moan, blow, talk dirty etc. during s** with your husband, then there isn't a problem. BUT, if you just lay there and take it and s** with you is like f****** a corpse, then I'd tell you to pony up and get with the program because if you can do all that for those other guys, then you can damn sure do that and much more for your husband. And if you couldn't, then we'd be visiting divorce attorneys.

  • Did the wife lie? No, husband never asked about her sexual history. Only time a spouse's s** history should be an issue is if past actions resulted in kids or STDs. Dude from California

  • Dude from California you’re a f****** moron!

  • Wrong. Sexual past can reveal risky decision making pattern.

  • But she kept a list of her lovers. That's a big problem.

  • Well that all may be true but it's still h****** a man when he discovers he's married the Town Pump

  • And if he stays married he'll lose everything including his sanity before very long. Best to admit being fooled big time and movin on.

  • But it's ok for a man to town p*** women one too many times before getting hitched. And the wife is just going to have to deal with his past.

  • Her sexual past is not the issue. It is her not telling him about it and basically using him as a wallet and going prude because I'm not like that anymore.

  • Ohhhh gurl feel no shame. Like... f*** him 4 getting sad lol. it's all about your liberation. this is ON HIM. U did nothing wrong. if he can't handle that, he's probably not man enough to be with you anyways. Sigh. He's probably a white male as well... trust me they are the worst... and racist. I just married one for the money NOT for what he had down there ;)

    Sigh. Now I miss black c***

  • I bet you do and the welfare checks

  • Wow. Talk about racist scum.

  • You sound like a lesbian feminist

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