I Haven't Grabbed Life By The Horns

I've been too passive in life, just taking what comes to me, and that's professionally, personally, and relationship-wise. I'm good looking, highly intelligent, in late 40's, and that's not just me bragging on my own smarts, I've been told by various people in various ways over the years that I'm too smart to be where I am in life. At least three friends have given me little pep talks about doing better, even an entrepreneur friend attributes me as the spark that got his wheels turning. I lacked what it took to follow through with my own advice but he didn't. Not to say that I'm destitute because I live in a nice, new, middle class home and I make a little above the average salary, living the middle class dream with the debt to show for it.

I've just been chronically underachieving. My wife was introduced to me by a mutual friend and we wound up married with kids. I know this may be a typical scenario, but deep down, I don't feel like I really went out and acquired the woman that I really wanted. It was just, "okay, she's cool, this is okay, I'll ride it out." I've had girls attracted to me since college, and I missed out on a ton of opportunities with the girls because I was too shy to approach. It was almost a game I played with myself to see who is eyeing me, and some of my friends probably thought I was gay because I wasn't involved with any of the girls that they knew liked me. One actually used to beg me to date her.. she really wasn't my type though (in hindsight, I should've just dealt with her just to build my confidence).

There was the redhead in my freshman math class that would always look at me with a pleasant smile.. the cute Asian girl I'd see around in the rec center and even played a few pool games against. So many missed opportunities.

Speaking of college... I wanted to go away after high school but I was too passive to make it happen. That's something my mom apologized for but I don't ever remember pushing the issue, so I just enrolled at the college down the street at the last minute.

I've literally had the stars align for me to meet girls that I really liked and blew it. I once saw this really cute girl in the mall that seemed to be indicating that the feeling was mutual. I said nothing. Saw her again at an event a week later. She saw me. I said nothing. Saw her in the campus bookstore a few weeks later and said nothing. By the time I did meet her, if felt like the window had closed. Another time, I had a crush on a girl at my job and it got to the point where she'd look almost as if she was waiting on me to make a move. I didn't. I even got bored and decided to walk the mall once on a Saturday, thinking about running into her, and I'll be d***ed... she was in the mall and saw me. Someone that knew her told me if I was going to make a move, I'd better do it soon because she's going away, so I did finally approach in an act of desperation, and she told me basically, yeah, I did wait too long because she's leaving town in a few days and I should've said something sooner. I would go on to bang her okay looking coworker after she left (she had a nice round booty- I did want that), but she was the one I seriously wanted. Consolation prize I guess.

I'm starting to realize that I may have adult ADHD as I'm struggling to stay focused enough to study (I didn't finish college because of poor discipline), my son has it too, but I don't even know how to help him because I can't help myself. I only have a few more classes left but these last few semesters feel especially difficult as my ability to focus feels like it's getting worse. I am voracious when it comes to learning about a personal interest, but I can't apply that to studying. I'll sit down in my work area and find myself mindlessly clicking for something unrelated, playing a game on my phone, or scrolling a ** site.

I think I'm hooked on ** too and that steals much of my productive time.

Maybe I should be grateful for what I have, and I am. I've managed my way into a normal life with minimal effort. I'm not under a bridge worried about food or I'm not sitting around afraid that a 2 ton bomb will land on my roof. I just feel like I'm wasting my gifts and talents. I can see a clear path on how to get to where I want to be, even in this late stage, but I feel crippled in taking the steps. Maybe I find too much comfort in daydreaming about a life that's attainable instead of actually taking the simple steps to make it happen. Maybe I live in the past too much, which is something I'd fuss that my mom did too much.

I don't know... I do know that I'm also being verbose and you probably come here for the salacious stories and not for some guy singing the blues over his 1st world problems. I like the salacious stuff too but I just had to vent as I sit and contemplate my life and why I have missing homework assignments I should be doing (yes, at work) instead of typing on this site.