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Nasty but felt good to feel her suffer
About 5 or so years ago I had an all consuming vision of my older cousin who abused me with her husband to be swept away in a tidal wave. I was actually passionately dreaming it was her with two kids washed away in the Maldives. I felt awful and fearful for feeling this way. I shocked myself and the delight I had thinking and dreaming it was her. for the times she tried to drown me and for the "other" things she did to me for her bedroom fun with her then boyfriend/husband when I was a child.
I tried to put all that out of my head and beg god to forgive my thoughts of suffering on her. I guess I would not feel that way if she had not pursued me as she did for years and years on end and messing in my head as a child.
its just everytime she made fun of me as a child and all the taunts and put downs and belittlements and giggling and bullying while she drove up at me at the gate I was swinging on as a child to intimidate me. for all the times she treated me like I was less then her, I wanted to see her suffer.
I never once hurt her, although she likes to blame me when her life is not perfect.
how did her boyfriend/husband and her go through my things in my bedrooms at parties as a child?
I think the fantasies of her being swept away by a tidal wave are just your way of dealing with your anger toward her. It is normal.