I think I'm addicted to harming myself.
Really, believe me, I've tried. I'm 17 and have been struggling on and off with harming myself for nearly 8 years now and I don't know how to stop. I had gone almost a whole year without cutting myself, but after a few traumatic things that occurred recently, I've relapsed. I can honestly say I hate doing it, but I'm afraid to think that I've become addicted to it.
As far as I know, most of my family and friends don't know about it, or maybe they just don't care or want to bother with someone so f***** up. I've managed to keep the slashes and scars hidden, as well as my disposable razor blades. I have them hidden in one of my pillows so no one will find one, and the only time I "need" to mutilate myself is when I'm alone and feeling overwhelmed by stress. In a f***** up way, once I see the blood seeping from the wounds, it feels me with a sense of tranquillity. It's sick of me to feel that way, but this is beyond my control now.
I've learned how to keep it hidden over the years-- whether it's using make-up or wearing my hoodie constantly and never ever wearing dresses or anything sleeveless, so no one can notice them. And I'm afraid if my family ever discovers my dark secret, I feel as if they ever do find out, they'll cast me out like scum.
I'm considering going to see a therapist, but if I was to go to the school's therapist, they'd ship me off to the nearest hospital and inform my parents. It doesn't help that my aunt is a nurse there too.
But, recently, my best friend had found my cutting and nearly told my parents. I almost had a f****** panic attack at the thought. I got down on my hands and knees, sobbing and begging him not to tell anyone. After we'd gotten into a huge argument about it, he reluctantly agreed not to-- but made me swear not to hurt myself anymore. I did, and ever since that day, he's never left my side unless needed, and he's been watching over me like a hawk.
I know he's only trying to help me, but I can't help but feel a strong sense of hatred and admiration towards him for doing all he can do for me. But, everytime he leaves, I still find a way to cut, and I want to stop, but can't.