I think I'm addicted to harming myself.

Really, believe me, I've tried. I'm 17 and have been struggling on and off with harming myself for nearly 8 years now and I don't know how to stop. I had gone almost a whole year without cutting myself, but after a few traumatic things that occurred recently, I've relapsed. I can honestly say I hate doing it, but I'm afraid to think that I've become addicted to it.

As far as I know, most of my family and friends don't know about it, or maybe they just don't care or want to bother with someone so f***** up. I've managed to keep the slashes and scars hidden, as well as my disposable razor blades. I have them hidden in one of my pillows so no one will find one, and the only time I "need" to mutilate myself is when I'm alone and feeling overwhelmed by stress. In a f***** up way, once I see the blood seeping from the wounds, it feels me with a sense of tranquillity. It's sick of me to feel that way, but this is beyond my control now.

I've learned how to keep it hidden over the years-- whether it's using make-up or wearing my hoodie constantly and never ever wearing dresses or anything sleeveless, so no one can notice them. And I'm afraid if my family ever discovers my dark secret, I feel as if they ever do find out, they'll cast me out like scum.

I'm considering going to see a therapist, but if I was to go to the school's therapist, they'd ship me off to the nearest hospital and inform my parents. It doesn't help that my aunt is a nurse there too.

But, recently, my best friend had found my cutting and nearly told my parents. I almost had a f****** panic attack at the thought. I got down on my hands and knees, sobbing and begging him not to tell anyone. After we'd gotten into a huge argument about it, he reluctantly agreed not to-- but made me swear not to hurt myself anymore. I did, and ever since that day, he's never left my side unless needed, and he's been watching over me like a hawk.

I know he's only trying to help me, but I can't help but feel a strong sense of hatred and admiration towards him for doing all he can do for me. But, everytime he leaves, I still find a way to cut, and I want to stop, but can't.

9 Comments

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  • Hey, I feel your pain... You should follow what you know you need to do to get better - seek help before you go any further. You may find some relief talking about where you are. Try praying, it does work; there is a God and he REALLY does hear us. I truly hope you work this out of you. God bless.

  • Try a gun to the f****** head, a******.

  • Hey Hun - you & I both know (and many others) that your predicament is real - it doesn't matter if some ppl here have no compassion and flame you. Such folks would walk past an abandoned baby on the street and say "tough luck - survival of the fittest". Ignore them - they can't be helped.

    Unfortunately you've trained yourself over many years to find relief from stress by cutting. However it happened - it's where you are now. This isn't the end of the world - its not even that rare. BUT YOU CAN'T KEEP DOING IT - YOU NEED OUTSIDE HELP FROM OTHERS TO CHANGE. You already know its an addiction - you said so. You've admitted that. But most people need the outside energy & support & insight of therapists or groups to overcome the momentum of the pattern they've set. Its just pure physics. So many people overcome this but you need to find outside support - a therapist you trust who can help you find a way forward. They've seen this before many times. You CAN do it!!! Hugs.

  • Hey listen, ignore all the negativity that people throw at you, it's not going to help you in any way. the first thing that you need to do in the steps to getting better, is you need to get rid of your cutting tools, i suggest that you burn them, now i know this may sound weird but if you willingly throw them all into a fire and leave them to burn, you are burning away the things that you hate, your burning away the part of your life that you don't want to have around anymore. next you need to confide in someone who will keep it secret, i suggest your friend who helped you in the past, if you talk to him on a regular manner you will be able to let go of the feelings that lead you to cutting in the first place. if you do this it will make it easier to quit cutting, trust me when i say that it won't be easy, but if you keep confident in the fact that your friend will be there to help you and you will make it through.

  • To the 2 previous posts, how would you feel if you would have just pushed someone to end there life. Don't comment if you don't have anything nice to say

  • Then call it the culling of the heard. I'm sick of hearing about these little fools who are all emo and want to cut themselves in a misguided cry for attention. The world needs less of them.

  • No one cares if you cut yourself....really...cut away.

  • I agree....try the throat. F****** idiot.

  • Well isn't it great to see people like you are making a difference for someone who simply is asking for help. seriously, if you were in their situation would you want some random douche telling you to cut your throat, no? just get off the site and leave the poor kid alone you d***.

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