I feel like I'm about to snap and kill others and/or myself
I have royally f***** up my life in irreversible ways. My moods, emotions and thoughts are about as all over the place as a pinball machine, and no, I'm NOT the one playing, therefore I have VIRTUALLY no control. The only therapist I can afford does not much more than comfort me, and for some reason I can't get state assisted insurance or psychological help. Every time I have reached out for help, people tell me I'm too "self aware" or that I'm just an emo attention w**** and brush me off. It's like I'm going to HAVE to do something totally irrational and psychopathic/suicidal just to get medical attention. There are SO many people I want to kill, some being people I have or had known personally who f***** me in the ass, to strangers who may give me a disturbing stare or crossed my comfort zone. I try so hard to be accepted and liked that I end up giving up the little self dignity I have, and usually end up humiliated and friendless anyway. Then I try to deter a******* by acting and appearing like a freak, but then I can't take the heat. I feel like the few friends I have only hang out with me as a charitable thing, same with my family.
This is not even the tip of the iceberg. I just want to be dead right now. I can't handle life anymore. And it sucks.