Torn between love and divorce
I want a divorce. But I love my husband so much. It depresses me that I've been fantasizing about divorce for a year now. We've only been married for 2 years, together for 7.
I regret getting involved in a serious relationship so young at 18, not knowing the personal changes and identity crisis I'd go through once I hit my twenties.
There are just so many things different now...
My religion/faith has changed (huge change), I'm now starting to realize I'm more gay than straight, and I have this deep nawing feeling in my soul that's begging me to leave and run from the stability and security of my marriage, and finally experience life on my own and be who I really am with no constraints.
I feel stuck...and held back from accomplishing my dreams.
I want to know what it's like to be with a woman..but I never could on an intimate level as long as I am married..
I've gained weight and it's putting strain on our s** life, although he has always had a low s** drive to begin with...and I have a high one!
I feel so emotionally and sexually frustrated and stuffed up.
I want to leave this damn country too (Egypt). I look at other people here and want to vomit from the extreme stupidity and uncultured people around me (not cuz they are egyptians, just that they are uninformed, uneducated).
I hate that my father restricted my life growing up. I was rarely allowed to go out with friends, and he kept making excuses why I couldn't go, out of his own anxiety issues - unrelated to me. I've suffered because of it. I feel like I've been deprived all my life from pursueing what I want. Whether it was my father, or religion, or my husband. Well now, my father is out of the picture since I got married and he lives far away..and religion is out too because I denounced it. That leaves my husband.
So I feel like he's just going to get in my way and peg me down in some s***** traditional egyptian married life that I don't want any part of. I hate f****** society and their ways. I want to BE ME and do WHAT I WANT. Without getting permission or argueing why!!!!
I want to live the single life sometimes...
The sacrifice I'd have to make is too great. I love him. He's my soulmate. Or so I think.
I can't imagine being this intimate with someone else but at the same time I feel like I'm on a train with no breaks and I can see the end of the railroad.
I don't want to have kids...I don't want to be stuck here without a way out, like my mother was with my father. Her being american and my dad egyptian. Two different mindsets and cultures. The same is like my husband and I. I'm american and he's egyptian. Although I carry some egyptian in me, my american side is more dominant.
I want to go back to america. I miss it. It makes me sick when I realize I can't go back.
He could never leave his family like that...and I couldn't ask him to.
Plus, he deserves so much better than me. He is so understanding and caring, and I'm just a fat almost lesbian b**** who left islam, and doesn't want kids.
WHY THE F*** DOES HE STILL WANT ME?? :(
I don't deserve him. It saddens me that I've let him down and that I've changed and that this isn't what he signed up for :((.
But I can't leave!! I love him too much, I can't even sleep in another room away from him without crying. And I'm still in college..and I have no job experience...no money..
I can't even talk to him about any of this because.. well because! It's too hard. Plus I don't like causing trouble and giving him more stress than he is already dealing with. I don't know what to do...but I can't go on like this. I can't go on without him either.
I'm so confused!!
IT SUCKS BEING ME :'(.