I have been with my boyfriend for 4
I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years. i love him, but not in a romantic way anymore. i can't bring myself to break up with him because i was raised to always put other before myself and so i can't even conceive of thinking of myself, and i can't hurt him like that because i know he would be destroyed. i know the general comeback everyone has said to me, "that's dumb, you need to just bite the bullet and take care of yourself, you're hurting him by letting him think everything is ok," etc etc. i've heard it all. i know it all. but i just CAN'T. someone could hold a gun to my head and tell me to leave him or i would die and they would have to kill me because i would not be able to force the words out, that's how intense this is. we had planned of getting married, he's put a down payment on my engagement ring, so that makes it even harder.
on top of all that, i met a guy a year ago that i thought i really did fall in love with, then realized i didn't, but he's so in love with me and has a lot of issues so i'm in the same situation with him that i am with my boyfriend. both of them are very similar people.
now, there is someone that i absolutely adore, and i know that i belong with him, 100%, for sure. i know know, it seems like "here you go again" but, cliche of cliches, this time it actually is different. he is unlike anyone else i've met or been with, and it's not just the novelty that i'm attracted to. he treats me like i want to be treated, gives me the distance that i need that so few people understand, and is an actual man. and he loves me differently then the rest do...it's not in a dependent, needy way. he loves just to love. it's perfect. but i can't be with him because even if i somehow left my boyfriend, i promised the second guy that if i ever left him i'd be with him.
basically, i'm really screwed myself over, and i'm in constant emotional pain every day, and the only reason i don't take my life is because, shocker, that would hurt other people and as you've learned by now, i can't do that. so don't worry, that's not going to happen. neither is a spiral into drugs or alcohol, because i don't want to do that either. i'm just permanently screwed.