I have been with my boyfriend for 4

I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years. i love him, but not in a romantic way anymore. i can't bring myself to break up with him because i was raised to always put other before myself and so i can't even conceive of thinking of myself, and i can't hurt him like that because i know he would be destroyed. i know the general comeback everyone has said to me, "that's dumb, you need to just bite the bullet and take care of yourself, you're hurting him by letting him think everything is ok," etc etc. i've heard it all. i know it all. but i just CAN'T. someone could hold a gun to my head and tell me to leave him or i would die and they would have to kill me because i would not be able to force the words out, that's how intense this is. we had planned of getting married, he's put a down payment on my engagement ring, so that makes it even harder.

on top of all that, i met a guy a year ago that i thought i really did fall in love with, then realized i didn't, but he's so in love with me and has a lot of issues so i'm in the same situation with him that i am with my boyfriend. both of them are very similar people.

now, there is someone that i absolutely adore, and i know that i belong with him, 100%, for sure. i know know, it seems like "here you go again" but, cliche of cliches, this time it actually is different. he is unlike anyone else i've met or been with, and it's not just the novelty that i'm attracted to. he treats me like i want to be treated, gives me the distance that i need that so few people understand, and is an actual man. and he loves me differently then the rest do...it's not in a dependent, needy way. he loves just to love. it's perfect. but i can't be with him because even if i somehow left my boyfriend, i promised the second guy that if i ever left him i'd be with him.

basically, i'm really screwed myself over, and i'm in constant emotional pain every day, and the only reason i don't take my life is because, shocker, that would hurt other people and as you've learned by now, i can't do that. so don't worry, that's not going to happen. neither is a spiral into drugs or alcohol, because i don't want to do that either. i'm just permanently screwed.

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  • You claim to think of others, but you're actually selfish. You're not abstaining from breaking up with your boyfriend because you're caring. You're abstaining from breaking up with him because you're too weak and you don't have the guts to break up with him. Break up with him, skip the second dude, and hook up with the guy you "no cliche, 100%" love, just so when you're with him you can "fall in love" with some other guy you meet

  • Update, even though my post is so far down the line now...the boyfriend of 4 years just propsed to me. i think it was a securty issue because i'm moving back in to my father's house and he has such a fear of abandonment. i said yes because i couldn't turn him down...sigh

  • It frightens me how similar your situation is to the one I was in a year and a half ago. Breaking up with my boyfriend of five years was harder than getting into an Ivy League graduate program.

    You can do it, and he will be OK. Let yourself heal a while (a long while) before you jump into atyhing with the next guy, no matter how amazing he is.

    Best best best to you! This is tough, no matter how you look at it.

  • heh, half oh that post was about how i can't think of myself or do anything for myself at all. and almost everyone is my life does know about my situation, they all want me to leave him...it's like i'm looking at myself through bulletproof glass, i can see the trainwreck, see what needs to be done, but i can't do anything to fix it

  • Telling people is the first step. you already shared your story with the online community and its compelling. you said it was hard for you to hurt other people and i can understand that. but you're hurting yourself by not choosing the guy that is right for you, and isnt that the most important person?

  • You should go talk to a councilor and get clear on what YOU want, because you can't live your life for other people and still be happy.
    I tried that, it's not fun! Trust me, they wouldn't want you to be unhappy for them!

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