I need help.

I hate myself. I feel indifferent when it comes to life and things in general, and the only emotion I seem to carry is sadness. I feel numb most of the time. I hurt the people I love unintentionally. I don't know what's wrong with me. When I do try to better myself something always happens. Whether it's my own fault, or out of my hands it never fails. But I do. I fail at literally everything good I try to do. I don't connect with anyone and when I think I've finally found someone who could understand or ease my pain it always goes sour. I yearn for something more, to feel important, to not be a let down. I just want to stop being the way I am. I don't want to be a disappointment. I know I lack confidence. I try to please everyone, but then I do selfish things, and I end up hurting people. Getting high is a temporary escape for me, and something I do to feel other emotions. I look for companionship in all the wrong places and I do it the wrong way because I'm so desperate for it. Growing up my father was not around much and my brothers were busy with their own lives. I had no real positive male influence and as a young woman I didn't have a clue how a man was supposed to treat a woman or vice versa. I got myself into f***** up abusive relationships where I would make excuses for them because I wanted to be loved so bad. I just wanted my heart to feel full but I hurt it worse every time I tried. I fell deeply in love with someone I couldn't have or be with. We hurt each other so bad that it couldn't be repaired. He fell in love with someone new and I haven't been able to find my way. I disappoint my family, the only people who truly care, by being irresponsible and not thinking things through properly. I care for them so much, so why am I so selfish? I feel beyond guilty when I disappoint my mother because she's always worked her ass off to support me and I can't do simple things for her. I don't think I could live with myself if anything happened to her, she's my bestfriend, and she always forgives me and tries to help no matter what I do to hurt her. I wish I could change and make her proud. I want to take care of her one day, and I want to ease her stress and pain. I don't want to be selfish anymore, so why do I keep repeating the same destructive behavoir? Why am I like this? Why am I so unmotivated and uninterested? What's wrong with me? Why am I sooo broken? I was molested and abused as a child and didn't know how to ever deal with it or tell anyone. Other people are abused too, and they don't turn out f***** up like me. So what do I have to do to not be like this? I need help..

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  • Chronic depression is a b****. Unless you have some sort of health insurance I'm afraid that you're screwed.

  • My friend everyone in life disappoints the one they love at some point and even more than once whether intentional or not. I have been where you are and still struggle with those same feelings however I want you to know that although you may need to work on yourself ( as we should all strive to do better) a lot of these feelings may all be in you head. Judging and punishing yourself too harshly may be due to a low self esteem stemming from abusive relationships and a history of sexual assault. Please get help. Talk to someone. Not a friend or family. Find a counsellor look for city run programs if money is an issue. It's not a magic wand to make problems go away over night however it's a start and It helped me. Cut out all the negative ppl and influence in your life if you can. People who talk down to you an use your feeling against you are not your friend and will do you no good. I hope you find your way and know your not alone. Just dont give up. We are in a world where we must fight for ourselves. If you don't who will?

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