I need help.
I hate myself. I feel indifferent when it comes to life and things in general, and the only emotion I seem to carry is sadness. I feel numb most of the time. I hurt the people I love unintentionally. I don't know what's wrong with me. When I do try to better myself something always happens. Whether it's my own fault, or out of my hands it never fails. But I do. I fail at literally everything good I try to do. I don't connect with anyone and when I think I've finally found someone who could understand or ease my pain it always goes sour. I yearn for something more, to feel important, to not be a let down. I just want to stop being the way I am. I don't want to be a disappointment. I know I lack confidence. I try to please everyone, but then I do selfish things, and I end up hurting people. Getting high is a temporary escape for me, and something I do to feel other emotions. I look for companionship in all the wrong places and I do it the wrong way because I'm so desperate for it. Growing up my father was not around much and my brothers were busy with their own lives. I had no real positive male influence and as a young woman I didn't have a clue how a man was supposed to treat a woman or vice versa. I got myself into f***** up abusive relationships where I would make excuses for them because I wanted to be loved so bad. I just wanted my heart to feel full but I hurt it worse every time I tried. I fell deeply in love with someone I couldn't have or be with. We hurt each other so bad that it couldn't be repaired. He fell in love with someone new and I haven't been able to find my way. I disappoint my family, the only people who truly care, by being irresponsible and not thinking things through properly. I care for them so much, so why am I so selfish? I feel beyond guilty when I disappoint my mother because she's always worked her ass off to support me and I can't do simple things for her. I don't think I could live with myself if anything happened to her, she's my bestfriend, and she always forgives me and tries to help no matter what I do to hurt her. I wish I could change and make her proud. I want to take care of her one day, and I want to ease her stress and pain. I don't want to be selfish anymore, so why do I keep repeating the same destructive behavoir? Why am I like this? Why am I so unmotivated and uninterested? What's wrong with me? Why am I sooo broken? I was molested and abused as a child and didn't know how to ever deal with it or tell anyone. Other people are abused too, and they don't turn out f***** up like me. So what do I have to do to not be like this? I need help..