Cheated on the BF, and we're engaged.
He lives in a different part of the country for his work, and we only see each other every other month. I'm a sexual creature by nature, and he lacks any significant s** drive that would enable him to match my cravings. More than that, he's completely satisfied with a beat off to p***, and would never need touch me to feel satisfied with his own sexual life. He often does.
To stay connected we do many things online together after his work shift. One night I could tell he was beating off. This excited me, because we hardly ever have a conversation that verges an 'R' rating when he's at work; I mean, 96% of the time, it feels like we're a platonic couple. Anyway, he was beating off, he didn't mute himself, so I asked him in a cutesy way what he was doing. He immediately denied it, stopped, and when I got him to admit it, he refused to continue when I was purring for him to.
And that was just one incident. When we discussed it later, he insisted that it was because he simply didn't want to be put, 'on the spot,' or feel pressured to please. But I /always/ try to please him, and if for one second I thought it'd be arousing for him for me to m********* for his viewing pleasure, I would. But it does nothing for him. Sexual enticement from me just doesn't work on him. So I feel pretty de-sexed. I don't feel like a woman at all.
This, however, is the only significant problem we face. Every other area of our life is perfect. I don't even mind the long distance aspect. I just mind that I don't feel sexually attractive anymore. I feel disgusting, uselessly, and clumsy.
Feeling this way at a constant brought out my masochistic tendencies. Because I'm not bisexual by any means, I started searching for dommes to meet up with in the real world to hurt me, because it's a sexually exciting thing for me, and I figured even if it was cheating, it was only minorly cheating, because my pleasure is from the act itself rather than toward the individual causing it, you know? I wanted to make sure no emotional bonds could be formed, and I strictly requested for no sexual genital contact to be made, only nudity and things deemed as 'degradation and humiliation' when it came to body play.
The woman I found, while amazing in her own right, had her own dominant. The problem was that he started poking his nose into her business, and soon enough, he wanted to f*** me, because he was already joining her in belting, flogging, and whatever else to my backside. Soon enough, they had me masturbating in front of them, and soon enough, he was /demanding/ that she make a date for us to actually f***.
This probably doesn't count as 'cheating' to some, and they'd probably just be like, "So what? go say 10 hail marries and shaddup." But for me, it was cheating; I was actively enjoying and participating watching a man f*** his woman, and wanting to be f***** too, because they both made me feel so sexually wanted, and their arousal became my arousal.
In the end, before any actual f****** happened (though I would get a thrill every time he'd start needily rubbing his weepy warm c*** up and down my ass),I broke off all contact with them. Since then I've decided pretty resolutely to never dabble fetish personals again, not even the ads from the females. I still feel terrible. So, so terrible for what had happened.