I wish you had wanted to be a mom- my
I wish you had wanted to be a mom- my mom. I needed you. I needed you to guide me and you either wouldn't or couldn't. You wouldn't even try. I always wanted to be important enough to you to matter- to care what happened to me and my future- but you didn't care. Not enough to step in when I truly needed you. You would argue with me over stupid trivial things (the color of my dress or my hair)- but when I REALLY needed you to be my mom, you took your hands off the wheel.
You made me feel like such a burden, a drain on your time, such an unwanted obligation- as if if it weren't for me, your life would be so awesome. So since you were not interested in pursuing any kind of relationship with me, I left as soon as I was able in order to give you the room you seemed to need. You had already shut me out of your life. You wanted your dating life and your space- and that's what you got. Now you want to be friends and I just don't like you. I'm not your friend. I am the mistake you made with one of your many husbands. I'm sorry I burdened you. I certainly didn't come with a conscious intention to do that. I'm sorry I didn't 'fix' your marriage the way you thought I would. I'm sorry if I remind you of 'him'.
But I needed you to be my hero because you were all I had. You were the adult who was supposed to rise to the occasion and show the way. And you hated me. You hated being a mom. But that wasn't me- that was you. YOU had issues. I just walked in in the middle of them. I got stuck in something that had nothing to do with me. I don't know what happened in your life before I came to the world because you won't tell me. You won't TALK to me.
I just came into the world looking for a mom. And that apparently was too much to ask from you. You don't get to assume that its my obligation to be your buddy now. You did everything to stomp out any kind of attachment or bond I could have with you. We're not buddies. Just like all those years you felt nothing for me, I now feel nothing for you. Whose fault is that? In order to have the 'buddy' relationship you want, you have to have established a connection- a bond. You didn't want that remember? You just 'wanted me gone'- remember? What? Has the dating pool dried up now that you're in your 60's? Now family becomes important- now that they've all moved away? Now that you've chased them out of the house and made it obvious where your loyalties lie?
Well, think of it this way- you got ALLLL the space you could possibly want. I'm glad those 'men' were so important to you. I'm glad they outranked your own daughter. Even though they are all gone. Now you don't have them or me.
We're not buddies. I can't be buddies with someone I don't trust. I'm not falling for it. You taught me not to trust you. And I don't. You want to be friends now that there is no one else in the picture. I'm not your last alternative. Find some one else. Adopt a refugee. Get a dog. I don't care- just stop trying to act like we're buddies.