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I'm scared of my own mind
I'm scared of my own mind. Sometimes I sit and listen to music on the bus or something and I'm literally terrified to relax because of what my mind will start to think about. The same happens when I sleep. That's why I go to bed so late. I'm 15 girl by the way. I do get to sleep but it's hard and most of the time I'm tired but scared to be alone. I cut and told my sister but she just tells me to stop and that it's because I get an adrenaline rush from it. I hate myself so much and I've thought about killing myself. I know how I'd do it but I don't have access to any pills. My mum made me go to therapy (I hate her but that's a whole other confession) and I hate it. I feel weak and stupid when I go and I'm scared to share anything just incase the therapist tells my dad I'm thinking about suicide. I'm so afraid of disappointing people but at the same time I just want to give up. I don't care anymore. I smile everyday and try to act as happy as possible but inside I'm dying. I'm fat and ugly. I tried making myself throw up once or twice. I almost got there but I stop just before i do. I want to be happy again but at the same time I know I just don't deserve it. Everything I love leaves me. My close friend died last year and this year I lost my dog who I loved dearly. I'd tell her everything. She was like my best friend. I miss her so much. My sister and dad just tell me to get through it and work hard at school but I find it impossible because I keep getting panic attacks and stress headaches. I don't know what to do because I'm surrounded by people who tell me to get over it but I physically can't. It's so hard. I don't think most of them know how much I feel like this, only that I'm a bit sad. I don't know what to do. I find myself unable to take in any information no matter how hard I try at school. It takes me forever to learn one piece of info when before I could learn a whole drama piece in a day. I'm so confused and tired. When I say I'm confused and tired to people it's my way of trying to express to them how I feel but they just say get more sleep and study more. (People meaning my dad, whom I love a lot and am terrified of disappointing, and my sister)
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