Gender Dysphoria

To be honest I don't even know where this belongs or if anyone even cares. I am FTM though only a very select few friends actually know. I've been highly suicidal for many years now, although I've only had one incident in which I had to be hospitalized. I've been a cutter for many years as well.
My parents are both anti LGBTQ+ people, o often hear my father mentioning how all trans and queers should all die. I have a very bad relationship with my mother as well. There's no way I can tell them anything but everything is just killing me on the inside.
Yeah, I still have friends at my highschool, but I'm always that extra wheel. I never really hear from anyone when I'm not at school, I always hear stories of fun times of them hanging out...all I can do is sit there because the most I know are the walls of my bedroom. Most of the time it doesn't even feel like they really want me at the table...I'm the one who's just...there
So...anyways I've been thinking more and more than it's not even worth it being here. I can't live and even be remotely comfortable with myself. The only thing that keeps me going are the constant wounds, deeper and deeper, that coat the area.I hate the most. I've been thinking of ending it all, winning this time. What's the point of living if no one has any interest and you can't stamd yourself. I want to just end it all. Everyone time someone calls me by my birth name or pronouns it's another stab straight to the heart, especially those that know. I've been looking up better ways and I think I have a good chance of winning this time

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  • Like another commenter said, life gets so much better.
    Adult people will be much more understanding towards your situation and you will meet plenty of people you can be honest with! Ive been very depressed in my teens and i thought i would be that way the rest of my life. Now at 25 i have a gorgeous girlfriend i live with and live is pretty good right now. Please, dont hurt yourself. Once you start living on your own things will get much better. I promise. Big hug from a stranger.

  • A couple of thoughts. The first is find a confidont. A person you can talk to. Perhaps a counselor or chaplain. Someone who you can talk with about your feelings and who will not judge you about your sexuality and gender identity.

    The next thought is to come out and tell your parents. Given what you have said about what your dad has said be prepared for him to initially be negative. I suspect he knows and has said these things to try to "fix" you. But he may also perceive that you are saying what you are simply as defiance. You will have to convince him that you are saying what you are because that is what you are and not as a rebellion agaist him. Hope that makes sense. And that's why you need a good support person. It will be tough. Also be prepared for them to say that you are just going through a phase.

  • By what you have said, I am assuming you are a teenager, and to that I say, please know, it gets better.
    Please, take pride and comfort in knowing that you are leagues ahead of many adults who walk through their days not knowing who they truly are. You have already over come that and know exactly who you are. Yes, it is hard ... feeling out of place, like no one understands you and you worry about rejection of who you are. BUT that isn't the case with everyone. There are people out there who understand, who accept you as you are.. you just need to stay alive to meet them and feel the warmth and love of those who understand.
    One of my oldest friends under went his change to become who he truly is.I am proud of his courage and strength. While I have fun and wonderful memories of a friend once named Sally, I love having Sal more because he is happy. He is comfortable in his existence.

    Dont do yourself any harm. Life will get better.

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