My ex-Other Woman is dating and I want to die
Two years ago I ended a long-term affair and the woman and I have kept a very casual friendship afterwards. My wife never knew and never will know about the affair, although she did meet the woman once by accident. During the affair this woman (I'll call her L) and I split and reconciled several times and I loved her passionately, as she said she did me. Our last split was friendly enough and I always harbored a secret hope that the split was, again, temporary -- that L and I would get together again at some time. L knows that my feelings for her haven't changed, that I still love her.
As part of the friendship L and I sometimes email or text, and recently I got a text from her that she had a 'big decision' she wanted to discuss with me. My heart jumped, despite my trying to not imagine that she was missing me like I was her and maybe we were "on" again. I wrote her back but she didn't want to discuss it anymore, saying it wasn't important. Okay, so let it ride.
Today I got an IM from L. She's joined an online dating site; thinks it's time to "get back in the saddle." What could I do? I wished her happiness and advised her to be careful. Told her that she should find happiness.
But I'm miserable. I feel sick in my stomach and my heart is aching. I don't WANT her to find someone else, even though she isn't mine. I wanted to marry her, be a father to her kids, make her so happy...and part of me never let that dream go. Now somebody else will hold her and she'll tell him that she loves him, just like she used to tell me. I can't stand it.
Why am I here confessing this? I have nobody else to tell it to. Nobody I can trust to keep it to themselves. I just needed to let it out, I guess. Can't cry because my wife will want to know what I'm crying about. So, thank you, anonymous person, for listening to my heartache. Pray for me? God, I hurt. I hurt so much.