Heaven?

I believe in God & everything, I'm just not as religious & haven't gone to church since I was like 10. My whole life I feel like WHAT IF there's no heaven? What if when you die, you live in darkness forever? That scares me every day that I think about it. At least when you sleep, you dream. Even if it's not a dream that you like and/or you dream about someone you hate, at least it's something. Even to this day, I wish that when I die, I could live/dream a life with someone that I do like dreaming about.

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  • I MET SOMEONE
    It was a cool Friday evening and I was bored. Incidentally, I did not want to go for my usual weekend night out. Everything seemed insipid. I was just not happy the way my life was going; wondered why it even bothered me. Usually booze and rough s** and my brand fix would do and I had a string of guys who would do me just for the asking; no just showing up with my well endowed b**** slim waist and "mega" hips that keeps the guys drooling. Just turned 18 and the hormones were raging.

    Finally, I locked my room door and lay on the bed sulking and moody. I put on the stereo but my favorite gigs were insipid too. What's really up with the night. What the f**k is it with this scr**d night? Then suddenly, someone was in my room; live, the lights were on. There was this strange feeling of guilt that enveloped me with his presence. He looked young, handsome and immaculate and I felt so dirty and wretched before him. I hid my face under the pillows and goose-bumps rippled through my being like a wave on the sandy beach. Then the longest (about) fifteen minutes of silence I ever had in my life and he spoke: "Why have you been avoiding every overture of mine . . ." I was stunned. Overtures?

  • I never knew him from Adam. I was ruminating on his question and shivering with fear in the interlude of about another 10 minutes. I was getting surprisingly relaxed only that guilt was resident in my heart. The next question showed me that this fellow whoever he may be knew what no other knew about me . . . "you shunned all my entreaties and went and killed my son . . .? (pardon I can't put all the rest of this second part of the question that explored my life down here). I was stunned the more. "killed his son?" I knew instantly what he meant. I yanked off a six week fetus despite the tug of war in my heart to the contrary. I never told anyone; neither my parents nor my best friend knew. I did not know the father of my baby either (but definitely not this fellow standing here) for I had a "gang bang" in a night party two weeks before I missed my period and I was drunk and high. More so I knew I was in my ovulation then. The guilt increased. He seems to allow my heart to absorb his questions before the next one.

    Then he asked the one I knew was the last; "supposing you die now . . . where are you going to?" I knew immediately that the "man" who could enter my room while the door was securely locked could take my life without even a snap of the fingers. The fear was back with the goosebumps and the guilt intensely multiplied! I began to shiver and quake with sobs and tears streamed freely. The next 10-15 minute was like eternity. I literally saw h***; where I was going to if I had died. I thought the guilt would crush me. Then he did the unimaginable, it was not a question, it was a liberating statement. "An***a (he called my middle name which no one ever called me, not even my parents or at school for everyone called me by my first name) your sins are forgiven . . . for I died for you". Waooooh!

  • The guilt was gone instantly, I felt new . . . a song simultaneously was triggered in my heart like a skillful DJ had tuned it. I knew instantly (honestly these pieces of knowledge are beyond me) that my name was written in "the book that mattered the most" (whatever that meant) and I also knew him; the one that created me, the one that died for me. I had avoided him all my life and in fact hated him in spite of the fact that my mom knew him and taught us about him. I stood up to embrace him but he was gone; just like he came. The song in my heart was then on my lips (a song I never sang before);

    I am saved,
    my heart is healed
    No more tugged by sin . . .

    The next week was even more stupefying. I lost the desire for booze, for "my brand fix" for clubbing, stripping, "gang bangs" and the wayward life I'd lived. I only wanted to read a copy of the bible especially the New Testament.I wanted to know him the more. I saw that he said the same liberating word ("your sins are forgiven") to a w**** like me in Luke seven vs forty eight. That was my best day so far in my life; the day I read that chapter.

  • We don't actually know. Some of us believe in God & heaven but we don't know. You can hope.

    My suggestion don't worry. Live and love a bit more in the moment. :)

  • Have some faith. Here's what i figure~ if its dark on the other side then i have imagination and i will find a way to get to the light. If i have no imagination, then i wouldn't know any different or that its even dark.

  • I have hope (assurance) in Jesus Christ. You can have it too. The Bible says All who call upon the Lord will be saved. Respond if you want to hear more.

  • Same.

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