Breaking my mothers heart.
When I was 14, I was so troubled, so emotionally unbalanced, I didnt know then that I had bipolar disorder, but I was so out of whack and I acted insane sometimes. this confused my mom, she pressured me to tell her why I was so emotionally unstable, why I self harmed and attempted suicide, I didnt have answers for her, I didnt know why, I just knew that I hated all the space inside my head where these thoughts and emotions lived.
well, one night we got into a particularly bad fight, this fight went on for hours, she had backed me into a corner and demanded to know what had happened to me to make me into the monster I was.
I was tired of the fighting, I was tired of hating her when I hated myself, I was tired of all the emotions and the bullshit...so I lied.
I conjured up this story, fabricated a rape that happened in a different state when I was nine, and she believed it.
She contacted the state police, and they tried to track down this man that didnt exist, and I sat back in shame and disgust (at myself)
many therapy sessions later, she talks about it, blames herself, and it makes me absolutely sick to my stomach. I'm 20 now and I hate myself for lying to her about this, nearly six years ago, and I can't bring myself to tell her the truth, I can't say it. I'm terrified of how she'll react, what she'll do.
I love my mom, but I've already broken her heart enough, I can't stand to do it again.