I Think I'm in Love with My Best Friend
I met Mary in seventh grade at a basketball tryout. We weren't instant friends. However, she called me up a few months later begging me to be her friend when she knew I didn't like her. I gave her a chance and I never looked back. We got closer than I had with any friend before. I told her about how I was called a lesbian at my school(I'm not) and how the girls would run away from me pretending it was contagious. She called me every morning for months in the middle of the night just to ask me what was wrong or sing me to sleep. I began cutting and having suicidal thoughts. 9/11/2013 I planned to end my life. I told Mary the night before goodbye, but she told her mother. Who then called my parents. Who then took me to the ER. I got put into a self injury program through the hospital. I ended up switching schools. To Mary's school.
Mary and I became even closer. I would go over to her house almost every day after school. One day I told her I was sore from a workout. She had me lie on her bed and then she climbed on top of me. She sat on my ass and started massaging me. The first time I remember feeling this warmth between my legs and when she would push her hands down on me I would find myself moaning sometimes. She thought it was just from my sore muscles but she was turning me on. She rocked as she did all this which teased me in a way. She began to do this on a regular basis and one day told me to bite her fingers. I was confused until she explained it was to stifle my moaning because her mom might hear. But oh gosh that just made it even more sexy for me and I would find myself biting and licking her finger as she would rock on top of me. Eventually I told her what this did to me and she just laughed. She thought it was funny how easily she could turn me on. She would then do it on purpose by whispering dirty things or touching herself in public. She would ask what turned me on and do it when I least expected it. Even in front of other people without their knowing.
Then came this party at my friend Lia's house for end of the school year. We did what most normal teenage girls do at a party. Play truth or dare, eat way too much ice cream, and watch movies. Then we all went to bed. I slept on the same mattress as Mary. We would always cuddle and that night was no exception. I couldn't sleep though. Mary fell asleep fast and I laid there just taking in her peaceful form. She rolled onto her back. And then she pulled her shirt up. Past her chest. She wasn't wearing a bra. I pulled it back down as fast as she had pulled it up. But then she did it again and again. Then I just stared.
Her nipples were dark like toffee. Erect and small. I reached out and put my hand on her stomach. She didn't awaken. I moved my hand up along her rib cage until it rested between her b******. Then I touched it. It was soft and warm. It felt so right but so wrong at the same time. Then I touched her neck and her cheek bone. Then her nose and finally her lips. They were softer than I had expected. The color of a pale rose they hypnotized me. I leaned in and just froze an inch away from her lips. I felt her light breath on my face and then we touched. Her lips on mine felt like a firework in my heart. It felt good. I liked it. And I wanted more.
I slid my hand back down her stomach until I reached her waistband. I hesitated, but then I slipped my hand underneath. I weaved my fingers through her wiry hair and rubbed gently. I wanted to make her c**. More than anything. I wanted her to moan my name and beg for more. But I stopped. I withdrew my hand and pulled down her shirt. I woke her up and told her what I had done. She wasn't mad or even surprised. She said we could forget about it. But I couldn't.
The rest of the summer I dreamed about it almost every night. I didn't see her again until the end of summer. Also I finally came to the realization that she had to have been awak through the interaction. Think logically. What are the odds that someone raises their shirt within a minute three times in a row and doesn't wake up when touched like that. That was when she told me she wanted to try not being friends anymore. She told me in a text. And I freaked out. This had come out of no where. It was a week before high school was to start and I wasn't going to get to share it with my best friend. It was probably one of the worst weeks of my life. But at the end of it Mary told me she missed me and she didn't want to live without me. But that very next week at school she started ignoring me and telling me to leave her alone. She came to tell me that she hated me and I was ruining her life. She never loved me. She was only my friend out of pity and I was the most annoying person she had ever met. My cutting got worse than ever and I had suicidal thoughts on a daily basis. But here I am writing this confession. I want to confront her about that night at Lia's party. Does it seem like I am bi or that Mary liked me too?