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Too comfortable
I am seldom genuinely happy anymore. I have snippets of true happiness but those mostly come from our child. For the most part I am just sad, sad about losing the most important person in my life, sad about what that did to the entire family, sad about the moments as a child I thought I was promised and were so cruelly torn from me, and then there is my relationship. I am not happy with it any more but I don't know what to do with that. I have spent the last 10 years with this same person and we still have the same fights, the same name calling. We have a child now but that is the only good that has come from it. I could have walked a way years ago but I wouldn't have what I have now and for that I am grateful. I think about leaving often, starting over but I am scared, I don't know if that is because I love you or or because I am just comfortable, scared of what's out there. I don't think I love you, not in the way that I should. I would never be unfaithful but I can't decide if my hidden suffering is worth keeping our picture perfect family whole.
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