My boyfriend refuses to punish his daughter, I want to leave but

My boyfriend is generally a nice guy, he works hard and we get on well most of the time. He's a single father ( because mother of his daughter wouldn't look after her properly and is not allowed contact now)
He has had full custody since she was 6-7 and I got with him when she was 8 and my son was then 5.
Anyway whilst he's at work her grandparents look after her, take her to school etc.
My issue is, is that she is now 12 and a right little madam. She still calls him daddy which I have mentioned to him on numerous occasions makes me feel uncomfortable, she snuggle sup to him on the couch and rubs her b****** all over his arm and blows him kisses etc, again I have told him it makes me uncomfortable. She also still goes into shower room and shouts " daddy I have forgotten how to turn the shower on again, can you show me" and he will go in there to do it for her, often she has undress at this point.
He never punishes her for bad behaviour either, she whinges all day if we go out for a walk " I font want to walk, why do I have to walk, Id rather be at home on my ipod ". Last week she had a complete meltdown in a shop against her grandparents. They were returning an item of clothing that dont fit her and she had a right fit because the only other top there that would fit her was £12 but the original top was £13. She stamped her feet, crossed her arms and shouting and pointing at her 75+ yr old grandparents. I heard about if from the boyfriend and I asked " well what are you going to do about it, she can't behave like that" he snarled and snapped at me " what do you want me to do, she has nothing o can take off her. But she has ipod, TV, laptop, phone, cd player, cinema visit on weekend. He could take any of these but refuse to punish her. So she got away with bad behaviour again. It's the same thing every week, she does summit wrong and he doesn't sort it. I shout at her and she goes whinging to him. My son is 9 and has adhd and he doesn't behave like this. This is purely bad parenting, my son manages with a strict routine and I am always correcting amy of his negative behaviour. He most certainly wouldn't have a tantrum like that in a shop!!!!! I'd expect it from a 1-5 year old but she's 12...
I am considering leaving him because it stress me out, I feel like I'm constantly fighting to keep our relationship above board and she constantly drivers a wedge. It's all because he won't punish her, if he started punishing her it would probably only take 6 months to get her sorted. I mean she's soooo disobedient. And she lies too, my son can be naughty at times but if I ask him.summit he would never lie to me. She lies to me when I ask if she has brush her teeth " yes I brushed them " but her toothbrush is bone dry!???? She thinks I'm stupid. She's a hateful little witch and I don't want to deal with it anymore but I love my boyfriend. I just don't think it's worth my effort anymore

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  • The daughter's being a b- because her father doesn't give her boundaries. It's up to you if you want to stay or go. I'm sorry but her bad behavior will only get worse, if it gets any better.

  • You don't say what happened while the daughter was living with her mother. But that has to be devastating. Regardless of the fact that she's probably in a safer environment, she doesn't get to see her mom. She's 12 - things are happening to her developmentally, physically, emotionally and she needs her mother and well you're not her mother. And then her dad doesn't really talk or listen to her and he certainly has no boundaries in place. It really is a recipe for disaster. Her outbursts are screams for attention and help. I don't get that you two have a great relationship. It sounds like you tolerate her. Do you ever suggest doing something just you and her? Get a mani/pedi or get some yogurt? As for leaving, you have a child and if living with your bf and his daughter is not benefitting either one of you, then maybe it's time to go. Because it doesn't sound like anything will change. Her teen years are coming up, and unless something is figured out soon, you all have a bigger problem.

  • She had a bad mother who neglected her, but that is no excuse to allow her to get away with behaviour now. she needs rules or she will be a tearaway teen. He doesn't punish her for anything yet I am always giving my son boundaries etc. I give her the same rules as my son etc but I don't live with him at the moment so when I'm not around I suspect he doesn't keep up with the boundaries or punishment. This then makes her think she can as she pleases whether I'm there or not. I spent all summer doing the 150ft garden of his and putting a driveway in to save him paying a pro. And I am a nursing student so it's not like I'm not busy anyway with work and assignments. Well he comes out to
    see the progress and she stands right next to him. Arms crossed. " you have destroyed this garden " I ignore her and she says again only much louder. Shouts it at me. He stands there and doesn't say a thing to her. I know he heard her because I was across the yard and I heard her. Total disrespects me. He has also admitted that she has destroyed previous relationships and he claims other women couldn't cope with her. But really its all his fault because he doesn't correct her. It infuriates me that I put up with it. My son would never speak to someone with such disrespect. He knows he would get punished.

  • I have taken her shopping and to cinema etc on many occasions and I don't mind taking her out. She's OK in terms of behaviour if her dad's not around as she knows I keep to my word and if she is bad I just drive her home so she behaves. But I'd he's around she just arses about because she knows I can't do anything about it!!!

  • You are right and I do agree. That it shouldn't be an excuse for her behavior. He needs to understand that by creating boundaries that it's a good thing. She may be mad and slam some doors and say I hate you or whatever a 12 year old who is punished says. But in the long run, he is protecting her. He's the father, not a friend. He needs to teach her right from wrong and enforce it. And if she gets in trouble at her grandparents or out with you - that he respects and enforces the punishment - depending on what happened. He needs some parenting classes a.s.a.p. and become a disciplinarian. When she's older and not in jail she'll appreciate it. If he needs to know how to go about doing that. One day (like today) he can sit her down and say - we're going to do things differently. You're too old to throw tantrums. Here are some new rules, you are expected to follow them. And if they are broken here or at the grandparents, there will be consequences. The shower thing.. Yea, she should have clothes on at this age. That is a strange behavior. And maybe you can create a waterproof diagram you can leave in the shower. But for you need to figure out if this relationship is going anywhere and if you should stay there still may be some growing pains..are you prepared?

  • After 6 days apart and without me sending any texts or calling him. I feel exactly the same. I cant tolerate her, her behaviour or his laziness approaching discipline. I am calling it a day. I qualify as a nurse this year with a full degree so will be working in the hospital soon after Christmas in my new job. I have had a long hard think about where I want to be 5 years from now. in all honesty I do not want to be married to him or living with him. I certainly don't want a bratty teenager ruining every day. I guess he needs t find a woman who is willing to do all the running aound and picking up for him and her. I'm 29 so I am young enough to enjoy my life. I don't want to be strapped into a relationship that I really don't enjoy. the past 6 days have given me chnce to think about all the things I want from life and what I willing to do to get them. I just feel that although I love him, I clearly don't love his daughter and that is a big problem. I can tbe in a relationship eih hi if I cant even tolerate her. I hate going to his house when I know shell be there. not healhy behaviour. s only fair to let him try his luk with another woman. unfortunately he is not willing to chang and neither is she so his relationships will all be disadvantaged. thanks for your help in allowing me to see the situation from an outsiders perspective. finally I'm making the right decision for all of us. especially my son and I.

  • I've done it. Told him today that I can't live like this anymore, I told him, I have tried to sort things with you but you don't listen.
    His response
    A cold heartless " ok"
    So I just left. Feel kinda upset but he wasn't running after me so I guess he doesn't love me that much after all.
    Never mind, it's for the best. Just have to go and get my stuff over the next week from his house.

  • Good for you! No doubt it was a difficult decision, but you know you and your son will be better than okay. When you date someone with a child, you're really dating both of them and the child's needs are going to be priority. Just like for your son. You're not (I assume) going to let just any man be in his life and make him secondary. Seriously, I really feel for the poor daughter, regardless of all her behavior issues. How can she not have behavior issues. She has a neglectful mother and from what you're saying an emotionally unavailable father. Thankfully, her grandparents are a constant in her life. It's really said that her dad can't express to you anything other than "ok" OR maybe he just knew. Who knows.. things have a way of working themselves out in life. Be grateful that you saw the light sooner than later.

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