Yesterday I was feeling really
Yesterday I was feeling really depressed about so many things that I let myself cheat on my husband. I was trying to get together with an ex-boyfriend and potentially would have had s** with him. But he wasn't allowing himself to be sucked into that scenario.. he is strong and good. SO instead i responded flirtatiously with a man who was flirting with me... and i ended up going to their hotel room and messing around with both of them. It was something of a fantasty to have 2 men touching me and wanting me.. but I really felt nothing inside.. not much pleasure, not any guilt. I felt sexy and desirable and alive. I wasn't thinking about my dad dying, my problems with my husband, my unemployed status, etc, etc. etc. I even called the hotel room today and left a voicemail with my phone number saying if they are ever in my city to give me a call. I did not have s** with either man, but I probably would have with the one who i found very attractive... he said he was married too. and he didn't want to have s** either, but we did have oral s** and a lot of kissing and touching all over. I even now kind of fantasize that i could leave my husband and run away with this man. i have been lonely and aching for sexual contact above the way my husband and i infrequently interact. I am not miserable with my marriage.. i do feel trapped though and that i never should have married my husband. i feel empty right now... kind of desparate.. wishing the man would call me and i could feel sexy and desired again. i know i need to separate/divorce my husband for the sake of my future happiness but i am afraid of being alone and regretting divorcing him. i fear i have a "grass is greener" mentality. I may be correct in trusting my gut, but i still feel like a failure for making the decision to get married to someone i didn't really want to be with.