I want to be killed by someone who obsessively loves me

Call it a yandere fantasy? But there has been this alarming growing desire within my mind. The wish to meet someone who becomes obsessively in love with me and then kills me for it. Perhaps it has been the ongoing thoughts about death, or my being sick of being cast aside by "loved ones".

I am 21 years old, and yes, I know this is f***ed up.

The only explination that can be given for this is after having a father who neglected me by always working and in an 8 year process, replaced my entire family through cheating with a chinese woman only half his age. He has now decided to give up on me, and wants to make it clear that myself as a person in is life is unwanted.

There had been two other examples before that, one involving a best friend, and another a lover who pretended to be my soul mate just to use me and throw me away. But the dad one just takes the cake.

That, plus ongoing suicidal thoughts of wanting death but being too scared to off myself.

So therefore, it could very well be my projections of not wanting to be fake loved, then left for dead and discarded after no longer being useful. But to rather be killed by something that will never let me go.

In the fantasy I don't see it going down the path of "much older predator who is a sick pervert sexually assaults the offs me" but more of, male or female around my age range who I end up in a relationship with who then kills me as well as themselves when they can no longer have me.

Right now, the only thing I want to be someone's entire universe, so much that life and death don't matter anymore as long as I am theirs.

Yes, it's sick but without apology or care this is my confession.

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  • It's not as sick as you think. I have similar fantasies though of a slightly different nature. you do have issues though (so do I and freely admit it) so I really think you need help. Parental abandonment is a terrible thing. My father abandon me as a child too but in a different way (he blew his brains out). I have fantasies not so much of being someone's universe but of being used and abused by someone and then just discarded when they're done. I want to be treated like the trash I am.

  • I'm sorry that you feel this way

    Even if you have done horrible things or haven't if you think you are trash you don't have to be

    Truth be told you probably aren't trash, probably just having a hard time

  • I wanted to add that you sound like you need a hug more than anything else. You are an intelligent, sensitive person. Your feelings come through so clearly in your words. I really do feel your pain because like I said earlier I can relate so much. My fantasy of being killed though is a bit different but also it stems from the fact that I am too scared to take my own life. I feel such pain, loneliness and emptiness inside but on the outside I am all smiles. No one knows my personal pain. If a lover were to do me in they would be liberating me and freeing me. That's what I desire (aside from the using the abusing). But I know it's because I deserve it. I am a worthless person in many ways. I can't imagine that you deserve anything like what you fantasize about. You deserve happiness. You deserve love. You deserve life.

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