I am truly lost
Everyone thinks I'm a relatively happy, intelligent guy who is enjoying life. The truth is that I have no idea what I'm doing. I'm totally and completely lost, alone, miserable and empty inside. People my age are married, have families, own homes, have nice cars and I have none of those things. I'm poor, single, lonely, live in a crappy apartment and work at a dead end job. I'm not blaming anyone but myself. I have a severe inferiority complex. I feel inferior to just about everyone. I have no idea what career I would enjoy. I don't know what I want to do with the rest of my life though probably more than half of it has passed already. I was not taught the basic things I needed as a child. Instead my parents were screwed up drug addicts who abandoned me though drugs, neglect, verbal abuse and eventually death. So I still feel like a child inside. A lost, scared, helpless little child left alone in this cruel, unforgiving world. I've been left behind in life. I watch people age, get married, have happy lives moving forward and I am forever stuck. I'm not blaming anyone, just myself for being a coward. If I had the guts I would end it all but I'm afraid of being punished in whatever comes next. I'm afraid of dying though I secretly count down the days until it's all over and I'm free. I just wish someone could hug me, hold me and love me. That would make life more bearable. But I am too worthless to be loved. No woman in their right mind would want me. So I don't even really try. Why bother when I'll just end up hurt and rejected like always. I was just meant to be alone. I don't know why. God must have a sense of humor to put me on this earth. If life is a punishment I want it to be over. But I'm scared. I know I have it a lot better than others. I am being selfish. I am just so lonely and hollow inside. I want to live not just survive day to day. I want to be loved though I don't deserve it. Please someone help me.