Can't reign it in.

I'm in a relationship with a guy I've known for six years (just had our first-year anniversary) and everything is going fantastic. Besides the amazing s** and the fact that we actually love each other, nothing about our friendship has changed. This includes how open we are with each other, and that we voice everything that bothers us.

However, I'm still very young. I was very uncomfortable with being tied down so early, and I still am somewhat. Freedom is a huge thing for me. My ex-boyfriend was extremely controlling and jealous; I would never be able to see my best friend without him making some snide comment about how that "if [I] date him, [he] would have to kill him". My current boyfriend is not in the least bit demanding. He is very passive, much to my relief.

Don't get me wrong, I love my boyfriend with every fiber of my being and I want to spend my life with him and settle down, but the feeling of being tied without having explored my sexuality is very frustrating. He could tell, so he took matters into his own hands.

A long-time friend of his hung out with the two of us one day. One thing led to another and we ended up on the floor of my basement with the lights off. He urged me to kiss her. She insisted that she wanted it. She thought I was "super cute" and wanted her first kiss to be with me (let's make it known that she is a very quiet and very unsure individual). I was incredibly hesitant. My heartbeat was in my ears, deafening me. They both attempted to calm me down from one of my "classic" mild panic attacks, assuring me that what she wanted was me and that my boyfriend was completely fine with it. I knew I was fine with it, and I knew that he was fine with it, too.

I'm a very loyal individual. The thought of being unfaithful to anyone, being it a friend or a partner, cripples me. I was convinced that I was a b**** for sleeping with my boyfriend while my ex and I were on a break, despite his cruelty. However, when I grabbed my boyfriend's friend and slammed my lips against hers, I lost myself. He continued setting up small sessions for his friend and I to "get to know one another", which would involve hanging out at McDonald's, watching a movie, and then ending up on a bed somewhere where we would passionately make out. A primal need of mine satiated once again.

My boyfriend would always be present, but when it came time for the last phase, he'd turn around, go under a blanket on the floor to sleep, or even leave the room entirely, trusting that I would not overstep any boundaries that were laid out. I never did. She never did. I escalated to biting her and running my hands down her body, but pants never came off. No s** ever happened, and I am completely fine with that.

After a while, the sessions dwindled out. We still see each other for DnD and such, but we haven't kissed each other for a few months now. My love for my boyfriend never faltered, but instead has grown. We understand each other much more now, and although the feeling of being tied down is still there, it has shrunk. I'm ready for it to be him and only him, no willing third-party involved.

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  • That's amazing that true love feeling sure is something. I'm glad you have a mate who is willing to do such things for you for your sole benefit. The fact that he doesn't even watch says alot. Never forget he's all you need

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