Torn by two

I'm in love with a guy (calling him David) and we were sexual online friends for three years nearly until we met up and had s** for the first time. I was in love with him for months and months before we ended up meeting for real. Id been honest with him and told him how I felt the entire time.
Most of the time I just felt used by him. He is a manipulating b****** most of the time and he could be really awful to me at times. But he made me so happy at the same time. I'm an extremely submissive person and before me he was quite normal, now he is more honest with himself and a complete dominant and sexual deviant... I bloomin love it. He is the best f*** of my life!
For a long time though he was telling me to stay hopeful of a relationship with him, and for so long I did. But we ended up arguing a lot even though we weren't in a relationship. I ended up giving up on him and tried to move on emotionally and look elsewhere for someone who would give me the relationship I needed. On a whim I joined an online dating site where I met someone. Not attracted to him physically much but I loved his personality. We ended up going on a date which ended in some good s**, just not as good as David.
I ended up quite liking this guy (referring to hin as Chris) and after a month I've moved in with him. I do think I love him, I'm not sure if I'm IN love though. I still want a life with David though he lives so far away that it'd be quite impossible.
I just don't know what to do because David has admitted to being in love with me, and that he has for about six months, I only realised I loved him a few months before then myself.
Really I've only moved in with Chris for convenience, but I do really like him. My heart belongs to David though. But we cant be together, especially not now. David doesn't know I'm with Chris, I've been lying to him. It feels disgusting. I've lied to them both, Chris thinks I got rid of David after he called me 56 times when I didn't talk to him one day.
I've cried so many times over that man. Half of it my own fault to be fair. If he had been honest with me when arguing about feelings and emotions this whole time then id never have looked elsewhere and be here with Chris.
I just don't know what to do. Chris loves me already as well.
I've royally f***** myself over here, all because I rushed and gave up at the completely wrong time. I'm awful for doing this to both of these guys!
I hate myself but I'm so stuck and confused. What if David is just using me so I don't leave? What if I'm just a rebound for Chris? Half of me really hopes so. I know I should break up with him but he is perfect in every way apart from sexually (he isn't dominant really, though he is experimenting for me)
I need to be controlled, but I need someone who is honest with their emotions. Oh my god I'm so b***** stuck!
In time I hope I'll gather the courage to come clean. I might not because I'm just falling down a pit of disgusting, cheating depravity. I am everything I hope to never experience in a person...
I don't know. I just don't know...

Dec 18, 2015

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