I'm tired of being an autism mom
I don't tell anyone this.
But I'm starting to have severely suicidal thoughts because of how lonely I am in this situation.
I'm in my mid-twenties, married to a man who works from 8 am to 9 pm.
I don't drive, I don't have family close by, and we're struggling to make ends meet.
My house is always a filthy pit of feces due to my 4 year old nonverbal autistic son's daily fecal smearing, something I can't stop due to the fact that he gets out of ALL his clothes and his diaper in seconds. Even special needs clothing. I've tried it all. He is violent, ADHD, and jealous of his baby sister on top of his autism.
All of the schools im interested in for him give me a f****** hard time, and it's hard being on the phone with them due to my child's autistic howling and crashing.
It was somewhat tolerable at one point, but now I dread waking up in the morning, knowing I'll find him naked and covered in his own s***.
I follow a religion that requires cleanliness for prayers, and it's almost impossible to perform a prayer without smelling of s***.
Another thing: I'm obese. I put on weight easily, and I come from a fat family. I delivered both kids via cesarean, leaving me with a huge flap among all the weight I carry. The only thing keeping me sane is a sugary coffee to keep me going, and it doesn't help with my obesity.
Yes I want to lose the weight but I've been so caught up in autism and general childcare and severe untreated depression that my health is the last thing on my mind.
I consider suicide daily. I just don't know what to do.
My house is a mess right now.
My child is scraping the walls with a toy.
My husband is still at work.
I have no friends, no family, no car.
And soon, I'll have no hope for a decent future.
Please help me.
I don't know what I'm doing.