I'm tired of being an autism mom

I don't tell anyone this.
Ever.
But I'm starting to have severely suicidal thoughts because of how lonely I am in this situation.
I'm in my mid-twenties, married to a man who works from 8 am to 9 pm.
I don't drive, I don't have family close by, and we're struggling to make ends meet.
My house is always a filthy pit of feces due to my 4 year old nonverbal autistic son's daily fecal smearing, something I can't stop due to the fact that he gets out of ALL his clothes and his diaper in seconds. Even special needs clothing. I've tried it all. He is violent, ADHD, and jealous of his baby sister on top of his autism.
All of the schools im interested in for him give me a f****** hard time, and it's hard being on the phone with them due to my child's autistic howling and crashing.
It was somewhat tolerable at one point, but now I dread waking up in the morning, knowing I'll find him naked and covered in his own s***.
I follow a religion that requires cleanliness for prayers, and it's almost impossible to perform a prayer without smelling of s***.
Another thing: I'm obese. I put on weight easily, and I come from a fat family. I delivered both kids via cesarean, leaving me with a huge flap among all the weight I carry. The only thing keeping me sane is a sugary coffee to keep me going, and it doesn't help with my obesity.
Yes I want to lose the weight but I've been so caught up in autism and general childcare and severe untreated depression that my health is the last thing on my mind.
I consider suicide daily. I just don't know what to do.
My house is a mess right now.
My child is scraping the walls with a toy.
My husband is still at work.
I have no friends, no family, no car.
And soon, I'll have no hope for a decent future.
Please help me.
I don't know what I'm doing.

5 Comments

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  • Lock the kid up in an asylum, live your life for yourself and not for others. Btw husband is probably cheating on you.

  • I have autism maybe I can give you my perspective. When your child is doing that the thing he or she wants is attention one way to stop this is by not giving it and forcing him or her to learn that they can't get away wit it. No eye contact that's a threat to people like us so that will put them in a temper. They like to keep occupied with certain things find toys that make certain sounds and see if that stops I used to go to a school for autism called Helen Allison and it helped me a lot. It's hard when you have or live with someone who has autism and trust me your doing great anyone who says it's easy is a liar. If your considering suicide think this I tried it this year and the pain it causes your loved ones isn't good do you know how decanted they will be if you were gone? You may not realise it now but your the glue that holds everything together by the sounds of it give yourself a break and make time for yourself as its not fair it's all kids kids kids. My poor mum had two autistic sons a daughter with a lot of health problems and a evil child that will remain anonymous give your self a break and be proud of what you have accomplished you sound like a brilliant mum and if anyone deserves a pat on the back its you. Hang in there and have a look at the Helen Allison schools website as they do a boarding thing it may be just the ticket to help you out maybe as he sounds like he has severe autism he will get in. It made a man out of me so anything is possible

  • I have been exactly where you are. It does get better. My daughter was extremely violent towards her baby sister and herself, throwing her against walls and chewing her arms b*****. The frustration of not being able to communicate with us was the source of the violence. Art and music have been the balm for my daughter and we found our own way to communicate. It may sound strange but have you tried making a mess with him? With something other than excrement of course, maybe finger painting? It may be a textural thing for him? I tried everything and the only thing that 'broke through' was getting on her level with her. I started by copying her every move. It was like she finally 'saw' me. You cannot give up on yourself, your son, and your new baby needs you more than ever! The hardest and most rewarding relationship I have is the one with my autistic daughter. You can do this.

  • Dear lady, get some vitamin B12 stay. Also some probiotics, get some classical music to play, it will calm you and maybe your child. Your husband needs to give you an hour here and there to go anywhere quiet - library, walk. Also google for local support groups. Good luck I couldn't even imagine xoxo

  • Don't kill yourself. My wife of 17 years just blindsided me with a divorce. I know what it's like to be miserable. I'm sure you are a good person...and have a lot to give. If you want to talk....jester5150@gmail.com.

    And try to have a Merry Christmas

    Greg

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