long time pain....

I guess the feeling of suicide came about when i 9 or 10 years old.Me and my mom had started getting in to arguments and fist fight.I was old enough to know my mom was doing drugs.I began to hate her and want to runaway all the time.some years ahead she had my twin brother and sister ,which make my life a more living h***.I guess as i got older i felt less loved by my family.I was never told "i love you Angie"never.it was always me to say it,well anyways i wanted to feel needed and wanted,my mother was never giving me that nor was anyone in my family.For me growing up i had no friends(even now i don't)i always tried buying my way into friendships or letting people treat me however they wanted just so i could say"that's my friend". as i got older my family would say things like "your never gonna be anything,you'll end up just like your mom"which i took to heart each time.then i started to look other places for emotional fits.First it start out with being curious,i would be with girls sexually and boys too.I had taken it in my own hand to take my own virginity by mistake cause i didn't know what i was doing.After that i begin to want love more because of situations going on in my life.Then as my little
brother and sister's dad started to come around more,my mother forgot i exist.I remember one day we had the worst fight ever.I was aiming to kill her that day because she took side of the boyfriend over me,even though he would hit her and stuff and after i tried to fight him for doing that to her...she still love him.Well between me and my
mother's battle i was stabbed.That opened the doors to my depression i think.well after some months i started taking pills I've never heard of and cut until i hit veins.To try to make things better i started meeting guys on-line.My first experience with that was bad.I went to see this guy to do whatever,well when i got to the place to see him he wasn't there right away.So i was thinking this one guy was him and it wasn't.Being the stupid naive person i was,i went to him.When i realized it wasn't the person,i feel into its trap.Went into the room scared as h***,let him undress me and just laid there,it wasn't much i
could have done.Its like i knew what was gonna happen,but i don't even remember thinking.After about 15minutes I'm outside just standing there,the guy shows up asking "where were you?"i try telling him what had happened,but i could never get it all out.So i just tell him to take me back home.I guess like 3months later i started having a miscarriage i never knew about.My family totally changed after that,especially after knowing the babies were twins.I could never tell my mom what had happened,so i kept lying to her cause she never really
believed me about anything.So when i finally told her the truth she said i was still lying,even after i had found out who the guy was,she never tried to make any effort to get a police report,(shows how much she cared).So my family was like forget about it,just don't let it happen again...I started to take heavy stuff,anything to take the pain away.I had almost over dossed on Valium,and was in the hospital like every other two weeks.Some months past then i started meeting people again,never turned out being like the fist time ,but it always did involve s** in some way.I called them "The one Timers"cause that was all it was.i was that guy's fantasy s** toy for maybe 2 to 8 hours.I maybe tried calling them,and get ignored each time.Sometimes i would get lucky and have one of 'em pick up and say "hi,Wat's up".When i would sit and look at my phone,i would start crying thinking i have no one..no friends ,no love,no one there to care if i wanna talk or not.So i cut.Tonight i couldn't hardly write cause my waist hurt,and i took some of the Prozac a.k.a dream bomb.I think to myself,what if i didn't loose those babies?They would love me,and i wouldn't never treat them like my mom does me.I would've held them and kiss them so
much.I look back on the 7 years my life has been ripped apart,and realize,I was only 15 when i wrote this ,and 17 now....and still just looking for the person to set my life free or never being loved,of living and not trying to kill myself.But now,that dream bomb seems like my way out.


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  • just kill yourself

  • That's a horrible thing to say to a person who's in pain! No one deserves to die by their own hand.

  • Honestly it sound like you have a lot of pain in your life. Surrender your life to Jesus! and you'll become a new creation in life! That's God's promise! Stop putting your faith in man. God wants to help you only you have to decide to seek him.

  • thank you......

  • You are the only person that will ever be able to help you. You must learn to love yourself, see yourself as God sees you, not as the damamged and sick people who raised you see you. Help yourself the best you can, get a job, work hard. Be the person you other people to see when they look at you. You can do this. Being raised in a terribel situation is a rough way to start but you can now make yourself over to be the real and wonderful person you were always menat to be. I have faith in you.

  • Ok this is waaaay too long. Shut up already for God's sake!

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