Cousin sexual attraction
I am a 24 year old girl and I am very guilty about the sexual attraction I had with my cousin who is the same age just eight months younger. I have also been severely depressed by that. We have been great friends always but we met each other only once in four to five years. Recently he started staying in my city for his studies. So we started spending too much time together. I wud always go and visit him after work and we used to hang out. Then later we started to hang out in his apartment. I used to tell him that he is so like me and I am so comfortable with him always and also I could share anything with him without being ashamed. In few days I started realizing that he has got sexual attractions toward me by the way he kissed me goodbye in the cheeks, they way he used to hug me. He always went for a way to be close to my b******, like once we werwe lazing down next to eachother. We laughed at something and he got up and kissed one of my b****. I was shocked and asked him why he did this to which he said my cheeks were far from his reach my this was closer so he kissed it. Also while putting a had around my shoulder he would find a way to make his hand touch my b****. One day as he was hugging me tight and asking me not to leave yet he just pleaded me to lie down for a while. I listened and lied and he started kissing me all over. I felt so terrified and at the same time so freakingly aroused as I have never be sexually intimated by a guy before. So may be I coudn't resist this feeling and din't stop him from doing it physically but I kept saying this is wrong don't do this, Just move. He then got up felt guilty. So I had to make him feel fine as i din't wanted him to be uncomfortable around me in anyway. So I consoled him that it's alright we just wont do this again. But every next time I visited his apartment he started to get sexually intimated with me. At first he just grabbed me from all over up on my clothes then later he started sliding into my clothes. He promised that he would touch just the b**** and nothing. Then he slided down my pant he then promised he'll just touch them down there and nothing else will happen. Then later he started sucking my b**** and before I could know below there as well. I wanted to stop him but I coudn't coz he was just so good. I felt crazy and lost my mind completely. My mind wud stop working completely and I coudn't stop him ever. This kept happening so many times and I always thought i won't let him do it this time but then he starts touching me in ways that can't resist, can't stop and worse I start yearning for more. But later when i come to my senses I used to feel so guilty about it that I cried all the way home and afterwards. I was so devastated because I didn't wanted to lose him but also I couldn't go on with him like this. I knew this was totally wrong and I can't make him feel bad about it so I never scolded him for this. I tried to explain him calmly but he never understood, he kept saying there is nothing wrong as long as we don't have s**. But to me It was totally wrong. I wanted to punish myself so badly for this all the time. Then I did what I dint wanted to do. I put an end to it. I stopped talking to him or meeting him. And it has been a year since then and I always pretend to myself that it never happened. But it keeps coming back and haunts me. Specially because I knew it was wrong but still it was so good. The sexual feeling that I felt with him I never had it in my life. It's not that I love him but I am totally aroused at even the thought of him. That's make me feel even more guilty and pathetic. I just hate myself for this. I don't know if can ever forgive myself. He completely ruined the brother sister relationship for me. And I was at fault too.