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Just trying to forget
When I was 4-6 I would stay at my grandparents during the summer for a few weeks and my cousin, let's call her R, would be there. For those weeks the three summers I was there (until my family moved) she sexually assaulted me, I guess, I'm not sure what to call it. But, I know I didn't like it, and I was afraid of her. She was only 9-11 years old, just a little girl. And I was just a little girl. But she knew what she was doing. She threatened me, told me not to tell anyone because they wouldn't believe me. So I never told anyone what R did to me, and I mostly forgot about it as I grew older, but once I got to an age where I was discovering my sexuality, my memories came back.
I'm 19 years old, it's been years, and there's nothing I can do to change what R did to me. (I'm a woman, btw) It took me a while to admit to being lesbian because for a while I wasn't sure what I was, or what I wanted, because I couldn't get what happened out of my head. For a while I thought what R had done to me, was messing with my head, making me like girls, but I realized that wasn't true. I am now out to most people in my family. So, that is a good thing.
But, I have a fear of sexual contact, that gives me panic attacks, to the point where if someone even touches in between my legs I feel like I can't breathe and sometimes I cry. Which is awkward in situations where someone was just trying to pleasure me, but instead they upset and frightened me.
I'm just trying to forget what happened. I've told a few people, but no one in my family. Some have been supportive, but others don't believe me. They don't think a little girl could be a sexual predator.
It's distressing...
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