Just trying to forget

When I was 4-6 I would stay at my grandparents during the summer for a few weeks and my cousin, let's call her R, would be there. For those weeks the three summers I was there (until my family moved) she sexually assaulted me, I guess, I'm not sure what to call it. But, I know I didn't like it, and I was afraid of her. She was only 9-11 years old, just a little girl. And I was just a little girl. But she knew what she was doing. She threatened me, told me not to tell anyone because they wouldn't believe me. So I never told anyone what R did to me, and I mostly forgot about it as I grew older, but once I got to an age where I was discovering my sexuality, my memories came back.

I'm 19 years old, it's been years, and there's nothing I can do to change what R did to me. (I'm a woman, btw) It took me a while to admit to being lesbian because for a while I wasn't sure what I was, or what I wanted, because I couldn't get what happened out of my head. For a while I thought what R had done to me, was messing with my head, making me like girls, but I realized that wasn't true. I am now out to most people in my family. So, that is a good thing.

But, I have a fear of sexual contact, that gives me panic attacks, to the point where if someone even touches in between my legs I feel like I can't breathe and sometimes I cry. Which is awkward in situations where someone was just trying to pleasure me, but instead they upset and frightened me.

I'm just trying to forget what happened. I've told a few people, but no one in my family. Some have been supportive, but others don't believe me. They don't think a little girl could be a sexual predator.

It's distressing...

3 Comments

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  • Have you talked to a therapist? It might really help. I'm so sorry she did that to you. No one should ever have to go through that. Not to defend her actions but I bet she was molested as well. No one that young would have that kind of knowledge. I could be wrong but I doubt it. Is she still around? Have you thought about talking to her?

  • I saw her only once after years when I was 15, at her open house for college. But I never said anything. I was terrified to be near her, but she was smiling at me, and hugging me, seemed really happy and like she didn't really remember what had happened.

    I have been to therapy for depression but I've never told them about it. I don't know where she is now, the side of the family she is from never liked me or talks to me anyway.

  • I bet it si distressing. My first cousin was molested by her own father and she never completely got over it.

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