I can't change my past. I don't want to repeat it.

I'm 15 years old, a freshman, almost done the school year. A year ago in 8th grade, I was basically mute because of a fight I had with one of my best friends, so I only talked to a couple of people, who were my two 'friends' whom I disliked with a passion. Halfway through the year, I became so sad that I started cutting to keep myself happy. Everyday in school I would wait eagerly to make a gash in my hip with a pair of scissors, but I eventually convinced myself to stop because I felt that I was being selfish, as I wasn't starving and I was being brought up fine. When finals came around that year, I relapsed, but that didn't last long. The next school year, in 9th grade, I switched to a new school, and I was doing good until a guy started harassing me often about stuff I couldn't change. To make it worse, I secretly had some feelings for him. This made me so upset, mixed with my past year of hating myself for being so f****** annoying and being unable to control my emotions, that I attempted suicide by overdosing on ibuprofen (Advil). Obviously it didn't work, but that wasn't the worst part. My parents kept on screaming at me for being stupid, they made me go to school the next day and whenever I bring it up they warn me not to tell anyone about it, because it would make me become 'that one kid you can't joke with without having her shoot herself'. It bugged me a lot, and I can't bring myself to forgive them. You should care if your child attempts suicide, shouldn't you? I can't stand them anymore, however the kid stopped picking on me, and I've made some great friends in these past months, but none of them know about my real past. Stuff gets better, sure, but I'm incredibly sad. I've been seeing a therapist since September, and I told her this for the first time two sessions ago, and she's really worried about me. I don't know what to do, I'm scared I'll try to kill myself again. Am I going crazy? Please help me, I'm terrified.

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  • Hey... I understand. I've been in your position. I know that feeling comes from a strong sense of feeling worthless, disconnected, and alone... Your parents seem very similar to mine in that they have no idea how to give genuine emotional support. I'm sorry. I know it's hard. They do care, they're just not sure how to express it or go about it. I suggest putting more focus on how they do show they care. Focus more on the good. Focus on the people who you know care about you and support you. Do what makes you happy. Don't be ashamed of your past... there's nothing wrong with it. One day you'll meet someone who can easily share all of this with and they won't judge you at all (I did. I wouldn't trust people at age 15 though tbh, since they don't understand how extreme it is). You're a survivor. There's nothing wrong with you. You just need more love, comfort, and support. More care and empowerment. For what it's worth, I understand you from what you've said and I care. I still want you around. You can feel free to contact me at anytime because I've been through it and I get it. You're okay. I promise.

  • My e m a i l if you need to talk (professional) casmirazevindigo(at)gmail(dot)com.

  • You're going to be ok honey! Sorry your parents don't know how to deal. You don't and shouldn't tell everyone about your past, I find people usually repeat it and turn it into something to be shamed instead of using compassion. That's what your therapist is for. This is more common than you think. More music, and some journaling can help. Hormones and trying to find someone to trust is hard, but you have your therapist. Give it time. God bless

  • Nobody owes you anything, and stop feeling sorry for yourself, there are people starving and killing in each other in the world, grow the f*** up!

  • No. You don't speak to someone who is suicidal this way. Tough Love won't help.

  • Excuse me? Sounds to me like you're more of of f*** up than this person. That was not the appropriate response. You are the one who needs to do the growing up.

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