Today is my wedding anniversary.
I love her BUT I am sad. Depressed. Lonely.
I feel angry. Vindictive. I hate the person I have become. I hate feeling depressed. I hate feeling powerless.
She controls everything until something f**** up then she expects me to step in and fix it. She controls the social calendar and we are so busy going to parties and functions and then we get home and she is too tired to be intimate. She spends her life on her computer and phone. Facebook, texts and emails and the phone and more texts. I joined facebook just to try and communicate with her. Suddenly she went from like 10 posts a day to one post a week and never read anything I wrote. I try sending her a smiley face text or a "I love you text" and sometimes she will send one back but she never sends one without me sending one first. I worry that I am harassing her so I stop sending them say for a week and then just send one. Then I will try one a day. Not been game to do more than one a day.
I talk to her friends and listen carefully to what she says try to find out what she likes and to do it for her. It always back fires. Like for years I have been buying her flowers. Just randomly but at least once a month. Usually buy a bunch on the way home from work or when she is out at one of her busy "fuctkions" as I call them in my head, and I'm looking after the kids, we will buy her some flowers. Sometimes I would take a long lunch and come home and place flowers in a vase or two and also at the same time tidy the house and make it look nice for her when she gets home. Then one day we are at a BBQ at a friends house and she says she hates flowers because they remind her of death. She likes pot plants. F*** this she could have told me. So I buy a few pot plants then she tells me we have too many pot plants so stop buying pot plants. It seems to me that if I try to do nice things for her she finds a way to stop it.
I thought I would on her birthday take her for a sight seeing tour in a light plane. When I tell her this is the plan for her birthday suddenly she says she has always hated light planes.
So obviously she does not love me and I am too much of a dweeb to go. Maybe it is because I feel obligated to give the kids two parents. Or maybe I live in hope that she will one day fall in love with me again. The sad thing is that if a woman were to make a pass at me I'd probably have an affair.