Constant fighting with husband
I'm in a relationship cycle I can't stop. My husband and I have been fighting for the last year. We moved and he started a new job.
When we fight, he says some very hurtful things. I'm sensitive, and it's been getting increasingly worse. I can't handle it anymore. The fights are very intense, loud, screaming and yelling in my face, lots of tears. When I cry now, he laughs at me and tells me I'm a baby and makes "wha wha wha" noises. He typically leaves and goes to the bars with his friends and leaves me home crying. When he comes home, wakes me up to say more mean things. The past few times, I've actually left our home and gone to a hotel for a few days. The cycle is that he is furious when I'm gone, then becomes a bit concerned, after much yelling over text saying what I've done wrong and why he hates me and terrible shaming, he then apologizes and says he's just unhappy and needs to take a look at himself. I apologize for leaving and for being over emotional and come home, but it starts all over again. I know I shouldn't leave, I do. It's not right, and it causes severe anxiety for him and he says makes him sick with worry. I can't take the comments. It's hours of arguing at me while I sit and cry. He will walk away and come back and scream more, throw things, get in my face. I starting to hate myself, my appearance, having a difficult time at work.
Last fight, he said-
I hate you and I hope you die
You'd be a terrible mother ( we had a miscarriage)
Thank god that baby didn't come into this world
You are a g****** piece of s***, lazy sloth
I literally f****** hate you
I went to the bars to see if I could get any takers tonight
Whether you go or stay, doesn't matter. You mean nothing to me
I'm dead inside. I look at you and feel emptiness
I hope you drive your car into oncoming traffic
If you kill yourself, no one will miss you
You're nobody to me
If you didn't make me mad, we wouldn't be here. You drive me to a new level of crazy
You think you see me upset now. You've seen nothing, you have no idea how far I can go
If you ever loved me, you wouldn't upset me like this
You don't know sadness. I'll show you what it means to be miserable
You're a piece of s*** c***
You are f****** retarded
You're a s***, b****, w****, garbage, fat, bad in bed
When I leave, he begs me to come back. When I'm home, he's fighting again and angry. He says that he hates me constantly, but when I leave, He tells me it nearly kills him. He says abandoning him makes him lash out and it's a circle. I can't take hating myself anymore. The fighting is tearing me down to feeling worthless. It's constant. I have no one to talk to. He's represented in the community. On a few instances when I've been forced to attend an event because I have to (like last week), I had tears in my eyes. I tried to keep it together, but right before we walked in to the event, he told me I looked like trash and that he was embarrassed to be seen with me. Then he pinched my arm and told me if I made a scene, I would be sorry and he'd make my life h***. I hate myself because I can't keep my emotions in line, I keep walking out on my husband because I can't handle fighting, and he continues to get worse as a result of my actions. Leaving is not the right answer. Every month is worse than the last. I'm contributing to the problem. I don't know what else to do.