It sucks to chase your dream these days.

It sucks when your appearance takes a higher priority than effort according to people.

The worst of it all, is to watch everyone else starting off at the same place, same time as you are, leaving you behind.

While most moved on to better places, some forgot who you are and what you meant to them. It's depressing when you start to question things and find out that the new definition of friendship is defined by your value to others. Just when you almost had enough with struggling and decided to sign the rest of your life to a job just for the sake of it, these people would take their achievements and rub it in your face, one way or the other.

Watching them in the middle of the stage in front of thousands, and there you are sitting in front of your desktop, wishing to become a part of it. While people at my age are having the time of their lives, I struggled to live from paycheck to paycheck, trying to pick up whatever pieces that's left of my life so far. After severing ties with those who no longer cared enough to keep in touch, I've ended up with just a handful of friends, and even that is getting lesser as I watch them leave, be it for education, career, migration. The relationship between the love of my life started to go stale, it's either she makes the first move to leave me somehow or worse.

From a toilet cleaner and dishwasher 5 years ago to what I am now; a DJ instructor, with a job on flexible timing, with other sources of income in I.T. and whatnot. All of that is going to get wiped out as soon as I take the first sip from this bottle, because I know I'm going to end up at the same place 5 years ago - a washed up, homeless drunk at the age of 24, hoping to drink himself to death. At least I know if I'm going to die I might as well go out with a bang, aside from the puke and headaches. Sure, some would say 'you're just 24, you have a long life ahead, get over it'. But it's never been easy living with anxiety, PTSD, trying not to get classified as clinically depressed. I don't blame them for what they said, but it's easier said than done, especially if you get triggered every single day. Trying not to have a mental breakdown or acting normal in a situation like everybody else is probably an achievement of sorts, for myself.

I've given up the whole dream of DJ and handed out everything I had in my time to people who seemed eager to learn. Even though I didn't have much to offer, I did it so I could tell myself that it's time to move on and to stop thinking about it when it never happened. Sure, I'm still doing a gig or two every now and then for s**** and giggles, but even that's starting to feel like a chore. Instead of indulging in games or any form of entertainment, I quietly learned audio production from a couple of has-been in the industry, figure out what music is really like on the inside. Even though the end of that was receiving a handful of positive feedback on some of my bootleg works, it seemed that music blogs and channels didn't agree. It's fine, they've probably seen thousands of these everyday, but I couldn't help but to think that I'm still not good enough. Eventually, I gave that up as well, and now I sit here with absolutely no idea on what else to do other than to work till I drop dead. Find a job, sign my life to that company, the end.

Perhaps the environment I'm in right now doesn't allow me to have a lot of space and time to think or plan. Then again, it's either not the right time or I'm not trying hard enough. Maybe I'll live for decades to come, maybe I'll cease to exist next week, but if there's a pain I'm living with every waking moment of my life, it's watching my dream crash and burn repeatedly.

Jul 13, 2016

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  • It's time for a new dream!

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