Yes, I am planning on killing myself
That article about unrequited love – it made me want to hasten things. It made me want to put on my best Sunday dress, and walk right out into this mess of mine. It made me want to wrap myself in the flag, and bury a bullet in my skull.
I know what I get to look forward to. A lifetime of failure. A lifetime of praying that she will come around and love me. A lifetime of depression and self-loathing, followed by watching her find someone else, watching her fall for that someone, and watching her marry that someone.
On the 4th of October, she asked me if I was going to kill myself if she found someone else. I should have just told her the truth. Yes, I am going to kill myself. I love you that much. No, I can not live without you. It wouldn’t have done a damn bit of good to tell her the truth, it would have just caused more problems. She would have said that she couldn’t trust me, and she’d have turned away when she needed someone to help her.
I hate what I see when I see me.