The only reason I haven't killed myself yet is because my dad cares to much about me. But he's the only one who cares. I have no friends. I have people who say they're my friends but they never talk to me. They never want to hang out with me.
I feel depressed all the time. Unless I'm experiencing what I call "fake happiness" which is kind of like happiness, but it's temporary. The feeling you get when you watch YouTube.
While I could just watch YouTube for the rest of my life, I need to figure out something else. I've done bad things like date people who don't care about me, and I even stole a knife from the kitchen once to hurt myself.
I just want friends who care about me and a happy life. I just want to feel truly happy. Like I said, the only motivation I have to not kill myself I my father. Every time I think about killing myself I think of him. And how awful he would feel.
But I wanna be able to not kill myself because *I* care about me. I don't. If my dad died, I'd kill myself in an instant.
Anyway. It feels good to get that off my chest. I really hope anyone can give me some advice on how to deal with these feelings.
Ps. The reason I haven't told my dad about this I'm to scared that he won't take me seriously.