A letter to Shoaib
The past few years when I have come on holiday to Pakistan, I hardly noticed you. You were always there in the background doing your own thing.
This time however, I felt much different. I wanted to dress my best around you. I wanted to look pretty in front of you.
Walking past you always made my hands clammy and I couldn't even look you in the face otherwise mine would go all hot and red.
I feel embarrassed to say this, but sometimes when I think of you, all I can think of is us making love. You pushing me against the wall, and us sharing a hot and bothered kiss. Or me picking you up from the airport and making love on the back seat of my car- steamy and so deeply on love. You moaning in your deep voice, saying how good I make you feel.
The only thing is, I don't know who I am?
Am I British? Where it is not an acceptable thing to marry your cousin.
Or am I Pakistani?
Also, I don't really know you due to the fact that in Pakistan it would be unsightly for a girl to be seen speaking to a boy who she is not married to.
If we married, would you love me as much as I could love you?
Would you let me live as I do now as British Asian, or would you try to oppress me?
I know you have had a very difficult childhood, but I don't think that it has changed who you are.
Although you are serious and solemn a lot of the time, when we catch each other staring and my eyes catch yours I see a sparkle. You have a kindness about you. Something loving and warm. Albeit you are confident and not afraid to say what you think.
Also, is it big headed of me to say I am afraid of who you may become? I am worried you will not try to fit in with British culture. Will you embarrass me in front of people with broken English and Pakistani attire?
Do you want to have loads of kids? I am happy with two or three.
I wish you could read this and reply. I don't know what our futures hold, but I sort of hope that we are together, even if I am scared.
I think I may love you x