Regret

I remember when we first met; it was the summer of 1990 and we were both 19 and in a large friend group that we hung out with. I remember you fit right in with the rest of us and I always envied that about you, being able to be liked so easily.

I was attracted to you by some invisible string that pulled me towards you and said
"Be with this person, this person is for you" to my mind. You seemed to feel it as well because we often made eye contact, couldn't keep our eyes away from each other nor could anything keep us apart.

We were there for each other, you and I.

I was there when you had a breakdown, for I knew how to comfort you and also how to tell if something would happen. I would hold out my hand to you and you would grasp it. I would never make a move, only leave open invitations that you would accept. When we embraced, I hid your tears away from everyone because I knew how much you valued your strength.

You were there for me when I had an episode, for you knew how to calm me down and you were only one brave enough to put yourself in front of me and the person I was attacking. You knew I would never do anything to you and you defended anyone that I went for, simply because you didn't want me to be seen as a monster.

I loved you.

I loved you deeply and truly, but I was too shy to say anything.

On that night, it was a University formal dance; I was going to ask you. I didn't have a date and I didn't know who you were going with because you hadn't said so I assumed you didn't have a date either. As I saw you alone, I started to walk out from the shadows when I saw him. He was taller than most like me, he was handsome and had a great smile. He also looked like he cared for you in the way that he moved around your small frame.

On that day, I was crushed. I could feel my anger rising through me like a tide, crashing through my body, so I turned and ran; my suit jacket that I had saved so much for was thrown off. Once I had gotten outside of the earshot of anyone, I stopped running and collapsed onto the grass and cried. I cried and wept until I couldn't cry anymore.

You know, I thought about ending my life on that night, but I didn't because I knew that you would be very unhappy. I had wanted to say something to you about my feelings, but it would only make you feel conflicted and that would be selfish and cruel for me to do that.

I saw you today in town.

You were walking down the road with your children, three beautiful and healthy people. They inherited your looks and his kindness as they helped you with your groceries. I wanted to call out, I wanted to say so much that I love you, I wanted to just hear your voice one more time.

But I didn't.

You didn't need me anymore, that's why I left. You had him and so I felt like you had what you needed and I couldn't help you anymore. I see now that leaving wasn't the correct thing to do, but as much as I want to, I can't change the past.

Who's to say that you would have a great life with me anyway? At least this way you are happy.

I sometimes wonder if you think about me still. I can't have relationships with other women anymore. I always see your face in theirs and I leave.

I still love you Rebecca and I always will.

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