FML, why even bother? :-)

I used to think that being in this marriage, I would eventually kill myself but somehow make it look like an accident. If I could make it work, then the kids would be financially set, life would go on, and I wouldn't have to suffer anymore. I dreaded going home, because what would I be coming home to? I think sometimes that we have to play with the cards that life deals us, but then I think, why not ask for new cards? Fold and play another hand? Why can't I be happy and still maintain my responsibilities I need to take care of. For years, as long as I can remember, I've always thoughts about taking my life. Suicidal thoughts, how it could be so easy. Painful, painless, quick or excruciatingly slow. Glamorous or routine. And who would miss me? Of course my immediate family. But then who? Friends? Which friends? How important would it be to them to not have me around anymore? I don't see me impacting anyone's life anymore. And even if there is someone whom I talk to on a frequent basis but lives a thousand miles away, how would they know something happened to me anyway? These feelings of self worth, or lack there of, have always been with me. Maybe that's the reason I always need to be in a group, or always need to belong. I think what it really is, is that I want to be in love with someone and have that same person be in love with me as well. One hundred percent sure. Able to talk about anything and still be in love with them. But I thought I had that before and it left me. I moved on, hoping to one day find it again. It appeared briefly but disappeared again. It has since shown up and found me floundering at life, and so it gave me hope again. But once again, the risk of losing it is there, and I'm filled with despair. How can I go through the pain of losing that love when I already am on the edge of giving up completely? Is there a brighter day ahead? I don't know anymore. What's this life for anyway? To live out the rest of one's life miserable, why even bother anymore?

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