God please smite me
I feel like a sailboat missing its sails. I'm just floating out there, drifting with the current and tide, going nowhere in particular. Within me lies a profound feeling that I'm lacking the drive I need to move forward. I see it everyday. Whenever I see a straight couple holding hands, kissing each other, or just being one, it makes me feel awful on the inside. I know I should be doing that. That I would be more human if I could. But I'm not. I wasn't born right. There's an imbalance of chemicals in my brain and for that reason I can never feel the attraction that I should be feeling for the other **. I've had ** with women before, and I really enjoyed it. More than with men in fact. But I'm not attracted to women. I don't feel the sexual desire with women that I do feel with men. I find myself staring at guys sometimes, but never that way with women. As for ** with men: the fantasy is always more exciting than the reality. The reality is awful. Gay ** smells like ** and hurts. I've done it dozens of times, but I've never actually enjoyed it. I like kissing a guy, and touching each other, but I don't like the **. I've tried to meet guys and go on dates, but it's not happening. No one will return my messages and even if they do, there's no attraction there. It seems that the people I like don't like me, and the people who do like me aren't my type. So not only am I emotionally incompatible with those with whom I would prefer to have **, but I am also repulsed by those who want me, and repulsive to those I want.
I wish I could be back with my dog. She died of cancer a few months ago. I don't want to continue living. This is miserable, never being able to be apart of a relationship. Forever being single, jobless, directionless, without money or any real chance of earning any. Oh, I have a law degree but no one will hire me. They all say the same thing, that although my CV was impressive, they do not have a vacancy for a trainee without any experience. I am slowly running out of my savings, facing a student loan bill of over a hundred grand, entirely on my own. I don't have friends, been a loaner most of my life.
I tried to go to a psychotherapist, but it was too depressing. She told me that I should be seeing a psychiatrist two to three times a week and consider medication. I have neither the insurance nor the money to afford anything like that. I just want my dog back. We were happy together.
I wish I were dead.