Life is complicated
I'm 22. As a child I knew I was different. I had a different soup of chemicals in my head. I felt like I was a girl in a guys skin, compared to everyone else. I didn't feel the urge to do anything girly, or have an attraction to guys for that matter. I just felt everything contrary to male characteristics. I felt vulnerable, I felt dainty if you will, I felt light hearted and compassionate. I would always cross my legs without realizing it. At the age of 15 I was furious, everyone around me was developing, I never showed a hint of progress. I was taken to many endocrinologists, but in the south no one likes to do anything. Just wait they said.
I waited four more agonizing and years. I wanted to die, I tried to die. I joked and said I wasn't man enough to do it. I knew I wasn't. I would think about that joke from time to time and get real serious about it, I'd try to prove I was man enough but I was literally too weak to do it and had too much compassion to do it with a readily available gun (and make a mess), let alone hurt people by doing it at all. Long story short, I had just come across an article where a bunch or female trans males were doing well in life. They all had facial hair, body hair, and muscles. I then looked online about HGH as I had done so many other times. I seen something different this time, it angered me greatly. I saw article after article on kids getting HGH because they felt short, and that they received treatment despite having normal hormone levels. I HATE EVERYTHING. I think about suicide more often now. I have a girlfriend but she shows no interest in me physically. She won't leave me because it would hurt me, and visa versa. She is angry at everything in her life constantly, I think its because she feels like she is single forever, and stuck with me. I am on felony probation for something I didn't do, and can't let her go for sure until may 2017 or I'd probably end up in jail. I can't commit suicide because my cousin did in December, and I would just be the douchebag that despite seeing the pain everyone had to go through, bought a second round for everyone. I don't know what to do. I just don't know anymore. I want to die but I can't. I want to grow but I'm hindered. I wanna breath but I gotta ask "the man" when and how much. I wanna love but I'm just a waste of a boyfriend and a burden to everyone. Im mediocre at everything so I can't be an artist or a musician. I'm tired of failure. I'm tired of being a disappointment. I'm tired.
This is not a request for any contact, but if you would like to console a hurting person or just share your experiences, maybe with something similar I'd like that.
I have an anon kik: