Life is complicated

I'm 22. As a child I knew I was different. I had a different soup of chemicals in my head. I felt like I was a girl in a guys skin, compared to everyone else. I didn't feel the urge to do anything girly, or have an attraction to guys for that matter. I just felt everything contrary to male characteristics. I felt vulnerable, I felt dainty if you will, I felt light hearted and compassionate. I would always cross my legs without realizing it. At the age of 15 I was furious, everyone around me was developing, I never showed a hint of progress. I was taken to many endocrinologists, but in the south no one likes to do anything. Just wait they said.
I waited four more agonizing and years. I wanted to die, I tried to die. I joked and said I wasn't man enough to do it. I knew I wasn't. I would think about that joke from time to time and get real serious about it, I'd try to prove I was man enough but I was literally too weak to do it and had too much compassion to do it with a readily available gun (and make a mess), let alone hurt people by doing it at all. Long story short, I had just come across an article where a bunch or female trans males were doing well in life. They all had facial hair, body hair, and muscles. I then looked online about HGH as I had done so many other times. I seen something different this time, it angered me greatly. I saw article after article on kids getting HGH because they felt short, and that they received treatment despite having normal hormone levels. I HATE EVERYTHING. I think about suicide more often now. I have a girlfriend but she shows no interest in me physically. She won't leave me because it would hurt me, and visa versa. She is angry at everything in her life constantly, I think its because she feels like she is single forever, and stuck with me. I am on felony probation for something I didn't do, and can't let her go for sure until may 2017 or I'd probably end up in jail. I can't commit suicide because my cousin did in December, and I would just be the douchebag that despite seeing the pain everyone had to go through, bought a second round for everyone. I don't know what to do. I just don't know anymore. I want to die but I can't. I want to grow but I'm hindered. I wanna breath but I gotta ask "the man" when and how much. I wanna love but I'm just a waste of a boyfriend and a burden to everyone. Im mediocre at everything so I can't be an artist or a musician. I'm tired of failure. I'm tired of being a disappointment. I'm tired.

This is not a request for any contact, but if you would like to console a hurting person or just share your experiences, maybe with something similar I'd like that.
I have an anon kik:

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  • I agree with the commentator below.Please seek out the LGBTQ community online, they'll offer you support and advice.Hopefully, you'll find the support and advice you need, to make you feel, less alone.
    I'm a female, pansexual and gender fluid.You aren't alone, there are ppl out there, that can help you.Just remember you're beautiful, inside and out :)

    Good luck and keep living :)

  • Hello. It doesn't sound like you have much support for what your going through. It seems pretty normal to me because I'm pansexual and "gender fluid female. I know it's difficult to exist this way in a homophobic and sexist, oppressive society. I live in a big city, which I moved to to be around and seek out my LGBT community. I'm not saying your gay, but it sounds like you may be trans. There is nothing wrong with this and I know plenty of gender non conformists who live pretty decent lives. Please don't commit suicide. It's a permanent act, and you cannot take it back. To me, the world sounds more interesting with you in it! You just need to find some steady support for what your going through. You'll be surprised at how many people feel the same way as you do. Gender is bullshit to me. It's all society based and is extremely oppressive. I love effeminate men and know plenty. Keep your chin up and don't give up!!

  • Thank you very much. I am more committed to enduring this battle now, although I've realized I'll never be the the "Man" I hoped. (Not without some hormones or something) Maybe I'll run into some accommodating circumstances, and yes, I feel like both gender and neither at the same time. Like a watered down girl on the inside, and a watered down guy on the outside. If I could be full one or the other, I'd be happy. Thanks for the condolences again.

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