Instinct

Occasionally I get these impulses. They generally happen when I'm having a heated conversation or I'm surprised by something or I get really angry at someone. I'm generally a thoughtful guy, I try to talk things out with people as getting physical is just showing that you can't express yourself with words and you don't want to try, which I look down on.

Annoyingly, all throughout my life, I have been getting these completely instinctual, often savage impulses to do something without thinking. I will be having a conversation about something of a sensitive nature, usually about something that either I or the person I'm talking to possesses. Sometimes these conversations get to a point where the person I'm talking to becomes as stubborn as a brick wall.

It really gets me angry when someone I literally say
"Let's talk this out" sit down and suddenly thinks
"This person knows I am flawed, I don't want to help myself by talking to this person" and becomes aggressive toward me. I'm not saying I'm perfect, but I make an active choice to try and remedy my shortcomings.

When this happens, usually I have these sudden urges to utterly destroy the person I was talking to. To leap at them and tear their neck apart with my teeth and bash their head against the floor; completely rip apart their body. They are fleeting most of the time, but whilst I'm under these urges I tend to do things without realising; like I've become a different person.

There is this one person that I am in class with (I am 18 years old by the way) and they have severe ADHD. The problem is, thy seem to be completely under the delusion that people view them as this dramatic character with a romantic and sad backstory and that they say things out in class and they are always right because they are so wise and love-scarred.

I know for a fact that he doesn't take his medication ever and they are incredibly pretentious. I can forgive him for saying completely random things because he has ADHD, but having ADHD doesn't make you into an arrogant d******* that thinks you are always right.

He is the only person in the entire school that makes me angry every time he opens his f****** mouth when he hasn't even been asked anything. He just generally comments on anything he hears like he is somehow now an authority on identifying the species of animal a skull came from, even though he doesn't even do Biology. Or for instance, I was talking about Trisomy with my Bio teacher after class as we were walking down from the science block as it was then lunch time.

We were talking about Trisomy 21 (which is what causes he most common form of Down-Syndrome) and how it affects the person that has it. This person however, just tries to slide into the conversation and says
"Oh if it's not that bad, they would just have slightly lower intelligence"

This is, in fact, completely and utterly wrong. Having a genetic disorder doesn't affect your intelligence. It can certainly affect the rate at which you can become intelligent or severely limit you, but it doesn't just mean "you have a lower intelligence".

At that point, I almost did it; I almost just gave in. I had an impulse so strong that it was all I could do to restrain myself from leaping at him. I helped a lot that my science teacher was there as he is someone that I have shared my mental health problems with before and he could see my internal conflict.

The teacher shooed him away quickly, but right at that moment when he forced his way into the conversation; I wanted to kill him. I wanted to take out my anger on him so visciously that I would kill him, I wanted to smash his head against the concrete, to do horrible things to him, to just let it out and get him out of my life.

I hate it. I hate these impulses and how it limits me. I hate how every time I walk past the butcher I inhale deeply and feel a yearning for the meat. I hate how, when I see a rabbit or a hare, a feel an urge to race after it and eat it raw.

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6 Comments

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  • I think you are my cousin... ha!

  • Wish you had an instinct to shut the h*** up..

  • F*** yeah. You have a good energy. Use it productively for yourself.

  • Work out what you want to say and then do so concisely.

  • You talk too much.

  • I've struggled with instincts too. Sometimes I'll get the urge to limp, even when I'm not hurt; bark like a dog to get in touch with my inner self; or even pee in the street, even if there is a restroom nearby. I think it all comes down to evolution. This kind of stuff helped us survive.

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