It's likley none of this will make sense to you. I just need to tell someone.

I doubt that I am anywhere as bad as many of the things I have seen here, but I need to tell someone this and i don't know how else to other than an anonomous confession.
I have always been, and felt different, weird... and all I seem to do is regret it. I spend sleepless nights thinking about times that I thought I did my best, and it looks so wrong now.
To start off, I am now obsessed with stories, a way into somewhere else, someone else, and I never seem to be anywhere without a book or somthing , so I can make another me, I talk to myself in my head like this all the time, and I can't even tell my parents, I can't say these words out loud.
I seriously consider killing myself all the time so I can get out, but then what comes next, an afterlife where I can never get away from my doubts and fears? I don't believe in anything above or below us. I don't believe in the things at my level, and I don't even believe in myself, so what is there left to believe in if even i'm not real?
I make myself in my head, millions of alternate me's. Pretty ones, smart ones and brave ones. There are too many to count, but I unconciously make another one I guess... and it is like me, ugly dull and a wimp. And it always wins. I seem to be always seeking someones approval, but I still don't want anyone to even really look like me. For years my friends have been my rocks, and they've always put up with it and been really wonderful people, but it isn't fair to them either.

Sometimes I wonder if the world is better without me.

My parents tell me that I only feel like this because I have minor heritidary disorders.
I doubt it. Someone who has to take pills every day is not normal.
And furthermore, this is how I act and feel with the pills.
There is somthing wrong with me.
I always have some elaborate plan for somthing to do.
I never implement it.
I have these horrible mood swings and get sick all the time. I feel like a three year old.
Even if I was real, I wouldn't trust myself.
I have dreams of causing death and destruscion, I even talk About it sometimes, but the most damage I can ever really do is cry. And that only ever hurts myself. I have visited head doctors with my parents, and all they believe I have is mild ADHD.
I will never fit in.
I often obsess over somthing for months at a time, then never think of it again.

I am just a kid. I can't do this.
I'm lost in my own mind.

Sep 12, 2011

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