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Idk what to title this tw// suicide mention
I am not the best writer but I am done with everything. My life, from an outsider's point of view, is great. I have a partner, 2 cute dogs, good education, living a comfortable life, good grades, on a good life-path, popular online, with a (mostly) good family, etc. However, since I was born I have had chronic anxiety issues, and with time and trauma, I developed depression and suicidal ideation. I have also lived with undiagnosed ADHD up until earlier this year where I was diagnosed. My point being, I have always viewed life differently form my neurotypical peers. I have been in therapy with multiple different therapists from the age of 4, tried different anti-depressants and various other adhd type medications. Some of which have worked but at the end of the day, I still feel this dread. I have recently fallen out with my friends over a big misunderstanding relating to my partner and now they all dislike me and are ignoring me. They blamed me and I am too tired and depressed to stick up for myself. My friends for the most part are good people, but one of them, let's call them Jasmine, has always had very strong opinions. They have never liked the partners I've been with and have tried constantly to make us break up / ruin the relationship. They have indirectly made me choose between my previous partners and them. I have heard from other people that they have acted out of jealousy which makes sense with my seemingly 'perfect' or ‘ideal' life. But besides that, it is a toxic friendship at times but other times we do get along really well. But idk if i have the mental capacity or energy to try and resolve anything anymore and idk what to do. It might be good to note that I am in my final year of school and I am in the process of applying to university. I'm a rather introverted and quiet person, so in person I have found it hard to make close friends. I only have a few, and now I have none. My partner is very concerned for me in this current moment. I have told him I am in a more depressive episode, but I don't know if or how I should tell him I am the closest to death I have been. I live with my mom and her bf and we have just moved into a new house, and they are already super stressed with it so I don't want to bring up anything to do with my mental health as it would stress them out more. In addition, with my depressive episode I am barely alive, I sit around and do nothing all day - I have lost the will to do anything of any productivity. They have scolded me for my so-called 'laziness' but the more they do that, the more I don't want to exist anymore. Main reason being, they aren't wrong. By posting this, I don't want any sympathy, I just want to try and understand myself more. But at the end of the day, why should that even matter. I just want to crawl into bed and never wake up again. I can't even cope with the simplest of activities like making food, brushing my teeth, etc etc. The pressure of living is too much for me, I don't even know how I will cope at university. I have always been interested in the subject I am applying for, but idk if I can stand living throughout the last months of school with everything that has happened. I have heard Jasmine talk about me with me in the room, and my other friends who weren't involved have started acting weirdly towards me. Again, I don't have the energy to try and change anything as it would cause me more stress. I don't think i can physically withstand anymore stressful events. Ever since the house move and everything that has happened, my heart hasn't stopped racing, I keep waking up during the night, and I have had multiple panic attacks. I have been severely bullied in primary school, and I have never really recovered from the trauma of it, and while they are very different situations, it feels like I'm living through it again. My immune system also does this fun little thing where when I go through traumatic / stressful events, it just shuts down and I get very physically sick. And low and behold, I have been hit hard with illness.
Going back to depression, I thought I was finally doing ok at school and I have finally started not dreading going to school. And then this happens. It is always as soon as i think I'm doing better, I just end up crashing back to square one. I am sick of this violent and heartbreaking cycle, and I am even more sick of people telling me it will get better. It never does, it just gets worse and worse every time.
The only thing or person I have left is my partner, but it is not fair for him to deal with me. I feel like I should just break up with him for his own good. It isn't fair on my family for me to be such a burden. I am too scared to even try and go through with killing myself, especially with the fact that most successful suicide methods require ingesting a poison of some sort, which will induce vomiting. But i have severe emeteophobia. and deathphobia. I can't even go through with killing myself. I wish i could just pass away in my sleep, without breaking my family's heart, and not have to bear witness to anymore mental stress and responsibility.
Life is hard but if you want to live a successful life you got to get help you are going through something and it's not a burden to ask for help we all need help at some point but if you can't help yourself then it's not going to work also pls don't kys