This is my story

When I was a kid, I was at an all-day kindergarten every day until the age of 4. I didn't really connect with anyone on an integral and personal level that most kids have with their parents, simply because I was never spending one entire day with a single group of people.

I was always the last one to be picked up by my mother usually, my father worked late.

At the age of 4 my mother got a much better job in a city a long way away from where we were living then and so the family moved there. My sisters and my mother went on the first plane, my father and I to come next on the second plane; unfortunately it didn't go as well as hoped.

A few hours before getting on the plane, I went to the local park one last time, and broke my right arm so badly that it could never heal properly. I would always have an overgrown elbow, muscle wasting from the shoulder down and be completely unable to fully straighten or bend my arm. After that I spent a few months in hospital, I still remember my kindergarten friends coming to visit me once.

When I finally came down to the city my mother and sisters moved to my arm was still in a cast and I would jut start school. We had no house for the first year or so and we house-sat for various people who were on holiday. My father had stayed in the city the rest of the family had left because he was important to the business there. As a result, I had no father except every second weekend until the age of 13. Because my mother worked full time, I had to either stay with after school programs or have care-givers.

In my primary school years I had some of the best years of my life and also some of the worst experiences. I was a very angry and messed up kid. I had all this bitterness at my father and at anger myself for being so short and at other people for putting me down that I snapped sooooo easily. I got into a lot of fights that I have never told my parents about. I beat up a few kids, got a few scars. I was once hit in the head with a brass bell at he age of 7

I have taken a while to get to know my father.

Sometimes I take a look at the world today and where things are going, how badly the planet is f***** and how horrible people are to each other and I think
'I don't want to have to grow up in this. I don't want to have to go through this'

I am currently 15 and I have tried to kill myself twice and both times I have failed. Let me tell you as a survivor of suicide and depression, the moment I tried to end it both times; the moment I tried to overdose I had not one gram of regret.

There is no happy ending with most survivor's stories. They look back and think
'I want to end it now and get it right this time' so whatever you see on the Internet about how survivors lead great and fulfilling lives and it makes you feel warm inside and you feel justified in just scrolling down from a mental illness awareness video or thing; just know that those are the extremely lucky ones. The ones that, not only survived, but also are still happy.

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  • Effing h*** man. Wake the fck up man! Ur living like a king compare to millions and i fcking mean MILLIONS of people around the fcki g world. The big problem is you always look at the bad things man. Effing don't, pls dont. It may be hard to be positive all the time but it will get easier as time go back. Try praying n be gratefull all the time. You will soon see the difference my frend. Life could feel so mean sometimes but there's a reason why you or anyone else are still alive today. Find that reason and you'll find peace and happiness. Easy for me to say but you just have to have faith man. Start by changing the way you think! Look up and see the sky, breath in the fresh air, be thankful for another day that you can change your life. Do it man coz millions of people don't have the chance like you do.

  • Need someone to love

  • I thought things sucked at that age, too. I wish I could be 15 again, knowing what I know now. I hate to say it, but life never got any better forme either. I had crappy parents, a bad childhood in every way imaginable, a rough few years as a teenager, and life bent me over in my early twenties and screwed me harder than ever before. Now at 30, I'm in more debt than I ever pay, have had many bs careers, unhappily married with 2 ungrateful snot nosed children. Yeah, life doesn't get any better. Don't get married. Don't have kids. Dont get in debt.

  • Sad to hear and one of the down sides of today's modern world is this childcare instead of parenting.

    Look up though and try to stop thinking about the past. You can't change the past but thinking on it will make you sad.

  • You've been through a lot but you can rise above this. Curb the anger, work hard and get your own family one day.

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