I desperately want to redo my life.

I was a miserable and mean little s*** as a child and early teenager. Even though I am so different now, I feel like I'm defined by it. Like nothing I am now or ever will be will matter.

And I'm angry because I understand why I was that way, unstable homes raise unstable kids and I've got quite the back story but that doesn't really matter because I should have known better sooner. I shouldn't have acted out as badly as I did.

I fantasize constantly (and genuinely pray) about some kind of fictional miracle happening that allows me to go back and live my life as the me I am now. I'd gladly take all the pain back, I've let go of that part of the past and I know I could do it again, its just how I chose to react and the person I allowed myself to be that I can't leave behind me.

I'd do anything to fix this.

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11 Comments

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  • I Went to go back on January 1st 2002

  • Do you really want to clean up your act or should you instead find someone that would overlook your past? You and him together decide how to move forward..

  • Why assume the future partner maybe male?

  • :-)

  • You're clearly a girl via your language & because you said 'anything', you have the opportunity to be quite useful for a man. Then perhaps, one will assist you in fixing your life.

  • The OP maybe a man and if the OP is a woman like you assumed, she maybe into women and not men.

    So your advice in regards to what you stated "you have the opportunity to be quite useful for a man" - Maybe useless and to honest, it's seems chauvinistic :)
    Whether or not you meant it to seem that way, is no concern of mine. I'm just conveying my opinion of it :)

  • You're only defined by your past, if you allow yourself, to be defined by it :)

  • Nothing can change the past, so there is no fixing it, but your past has given you a unique insight into the issues of abuse, meanness, bullying, and maybe other things. So use that insight to make the world around you a better place.

  • Start a fresh elsewhere. Find a job and place elsewhere.

  • Every day is a new opportunity to begin again. Take it.

  • If you feel you are defined by it, you could always move and start fresh where you have no reputation.

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