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I desperately want to redo my life.
I was a miserable and mean little ** as a child and early teenager. Even though I am so different now, I feel like I'm defined by it. Like nothing I am now or ever will be will matter.
And I'm angry because I understand why I was that way, unstable homes raise unstable kids and I've got quite the back story but that doesn't really matter because I should have known better sooner. I shouldn't have acted out as badly as I did.
I fantasize constantly (and genuinely pray) about some kind of fictional miracle happening that allows me to go back and live my life as the me I am now. I'd gladly take all the pain back, I've let go of that part of the past and I know I could do it again, its just how I chose to react and the person I allowed myself to be that I can't leave behind me.
I'd do anything to fix this.
I Went to go back on January 1st 2002
Do you really want to clean up your act or should you instead find someone that would overlook your past? You and him together decide how to move forward..
Why assume the future partner maybe male?
:-)
You're clearly a girl via your language & because you said 'anything', you have the opportunity to be quite useful for a man. Then perhaps, one will assist you in fixing your life.
The OP maybe a man and if the OP is a woman like you assumed, she maybe into women and not men.
So your advice in regards to what you stated "you have the opportunity to be quite useful for a man" - Maybe useless and to honest, it's seems chauvinistic :)
Whether or not you meant it to seem that way, is no concern of mine. I'm just conveying my opinion of it :)
You're only defined by your past, if you allow yourself, to be defined by it :)
Nothing can change the past, so there is no fixing it, but your past has given you a unique insight into the issues of abuse, meanness, bullying, and maybe other things. So use that insight to make the world around you a better place.
Start a fresh elsewhere. Find a job and place elsewhere.
Every day is a new opportunity to begin again. Take it.
If you feel you are defined by it, you could always move and start fresh where you have no reputation.