Never know what we've got till we loose it

My wife is dead to me. She has zero libido. She is always off doing stuff with her girlfriends. She puts energy into charity and into the home in terms of cooking and ironing the kids clothes but she is always too busy to have s** or even to go out for coffee. If I want a date night I have to book in about a month in advance and she looks for a free evening. It's dead.

So I started having coffee with a lady I have known for years. We talked about everything. politics, religion, society, our kids and especially our feelings. I was feeling spaced out, depressed about my wife not wanting me. What's wrong with me.

She was separated. We talked about her feelings of loneliness too.

Gradually though she was willing to admit that it was not all her husbands fault. She had gotten busy with her mother who was dying and during that time had neglected him. She'd stopped loving him. He went cold on her and it was a spiral down and apart.

Now me and her are having a full blown affair.

She has said she has learned a whole lot and that is that in her own she is so lonely and alone. She did not realise at the time she was married how good it was. Not perfect. But she could have put in more effort.

I find myself torn. For myself, I go back to my wife with renewed effort. I buy flowers, I clean the house, I make sure to make positive comments and smile and try to do the things she likes and not do creepy things. by that I mean when you are madly in love, you kiss and put your tongue in the other persons mouth, well she doesn't like that so even though I'd desperately love to do that because it seems so intimate, she seems to think it's yuck, so I don't do it. Just the littlest kiss peck on the lips to say I love you. But in all this she does not seem to respond.

So I go to my lover and do that and so much more.

I fear one day, I will just not go home. The feeling of the coldness that awaits me versus the hotness of the affair. Coupled with my mistresses statements that she has learned so much and even when she might run past that initial lustful phase that she will continue to act sexually and flirt and tease in the way that I find attractive makes me think how much better it will be.

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  • Some wives seem to think that the purpose of their husband is to provide a paycheck for the household and stay out of their way of them running it and taking care of their children. Some don't want to change and would be content with alimony and child support. Tell your wife you are thinking about divorce if things don't change. Don't mention your affair as that will give her ammunition to use against you.

    The woman you are seeing may be telling you what you want to hear and not being honest. I wouldn't put all my trust in her. Some people are very good at playing others and she may be interested in you for reasons that you don't expect. This is experience talking. She may be lonely, but she is still sleeping with a married man. This doesn't excuse you either, but you need to be careful.

  • Agreed. I don't trust her. In a way we are each selfishly meeting our own needs. So it's mutual emotional survival and selfish indulgence at the same time.

  • Hey!my boyfriend has abandon me for the the past months now,
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  • I have the same issue with my wife. She gave all her Love to the kids and none to me I was just "Dad" not she boyfriend. Now the kids are gone and I think she realized what she let slide away. It is just us two and not passion at all. Just sad really.

  • The lack of passion is the really sad bit. I'd Live without s** but I need love.

  • They go hand in hand

  • Female here. Divorced. I have to say I wasn't a great wife, but my husband wasn't a great husband either. I learned from this. I learned what I want, and what I need to give. I don't believe in marriage anymore, but if I find myself in a serious relationship in the future I know I really want to take care of my man in all ways possible. I hope he will feel the same, and we'll make a good team. I really take pleasure from giving pleasure...so I think that will serve me/us well.

  • To me I think the way to keep a guy is to tease. Flirt. But ration s** and make sure when he gets it it's absolutely mind blowing. If you let him have it without putting in effort then he will not ascribe value to it or you.

  • I'm the op. Sometimes I think I should leave and hope she comes to the same realisation.

  • You f****** women kill me. You all sit there and act like you're the only ones who work. You want men to do half the house work after we work all day. You act like we do nothing when we come home and never give us credit for mowing the law, plowing the drive way, fixing s*** when it's broken, running after the kids, doing s*** for you mother, sister, aunt, disabled brother. And you sure as he'll don't give us any credit when we do s*** like get you f****** tampons at the store. Then when we want to have a little fun, you act like your so exhausted that you just can't move. But let your girlfriend call you up and ask you to go with her to the club and your already out the f****** door.
    True be told, you have already screwed around on us, so yeah, if some filly wants to hook up with me while you're out f****** around, you g******* right I'm f****** her. Next time stay home and act like you give a f*** about your husband.

  • You are so so right. They have no respect. No energy. No love for their husbands

  • You're beyond stupid, if you believe what you stated! You don't have a clue about anything!

    You're, an irrelevant and pointless ass!

  • I'm a woman and I think he's right. Most of my friends b**** about men in general. They say it's all men who are lazy and never do enough, even though I know for a fact that most of their husbands do more work around the house than they do. I never b**** at my husband to do house work, because he's always doing some other work around the house or outside. Maybe you should open your eyes for once and see the real world, but you won't because other women have blinded you and you don't want to go against your friends. Or maybe you just dont care, who knows.

  • Generalisations and stereotyping the majority of men, based on your friends experiences, opinions and judgements, doesn't mean "the majority of men are the same, dumbass!" Gender has nothing to do with it, it's an individual issue! Maybe those individuals are lazy f******! So f*** off you idiot, you're ignorant and stupid!

  • And you're a foul mouth b**** who is obviously incapable of having an intelligent conversation. So crawl back under the rock you slithered out from.

  • You don't appear intelligible yourself, so your statement is irrelevant and hypocritical:-)

  • Actually, I'm capable of diplomatic and articulate debates/conversations. But I can also be articulate in using crude and offensive language to convey my feelings, of which I did succinctly. So no, your assessment and judgement of me is inaccurate, you presumptuous ass!

  • Another stereotypical, presumptuous asshat! You don't know every woman on earth, so don't make statements and stereotypes such as, 'you f****** women!'

    Some women like myself, don't need a man to do s*** for me! I'm independent! Some women can fix cars, can change tyres, can do joinery and carpentry, can do plumbing and electrics, you f****** idiot! These tasks aren't gender specific!

  • It's ok for women to stereotype men though? Every time i turn around, women are b******* about men not doing anything. And even your statement "I don't need a man to do s*** for me" is f****** sexist. Nobody really needs anyone, so why did you feel the need to state you don't need a man. Why didn't you say I don't anyone? Because you're a hypocritical sexist a****** who thinks exactly the way the commenter stated about.

  • You can't even spell, so f*** off!

  • There you go again, with stereotyping! State 'some women, instead of its ok for women to stereotype' Do you know every single individual on earth that are women? No you don't, so why assume every woman is the same? Aren't people individuals regardless of their genders? Isn't it an individual thing and not gender based? Treat people as individuals and base your judgements and assumptions on your encounters with some individuals, don't be ignorant and base your misguided ignorance and assumptions on the female gender! Every individual is different, have different personalities, preferences, morals and values, you fool!

    You're a f****** idiot, but that doesn't mean I think everyone else is!

  • Yep, I stereotype when referring to more than several women, men, whatever. Know what? Most people do. Then there are the self righteous a******* like you who think they never stereotype and slam other when they do it. That makes you a hypocritical a******, and I would much rather admit to stereotyping than be a f****** hypocrite. So f*** off and die you worthless piece of s***.

  • You obviously can't convey yourself appropriately and participate on healthy debates/arguments - perhaps you need to grow up, see the world more and experiences different cultures, whatever helps you to continuously grow m, learn and blossom as a person. Don't be a hater, but a learner!

  • They you go again, with the generalisations "most people do" do you know most people?! No you don't so stop assuming s***!

  • Maybe, but you sure as f*** can't spell.

  • I agree

  • So you cheated on your wife, because you felt; undesired, neglected and unwanted by your wife?! Simply because, she doesn't want s** when you do and she doesn't want your tongue down her throat, every second of everyday?!

    You dear ass, are a f****** winger!
    You tell your wife how you feel man, you don't get your c*** polished elsewhere as a solution, without even trying to solve your issues in your marriage! Cheating is unacceptable and a cowardly thing to do!

    If you're unhappy in your marriage and tried to resolve things, with no improvements from both parties - you get a f****** divorce then! You don't start cheating! What's wrong with you, you p*** ant!!

  • Lighten up francis

  • Lighten up franco!

  • Its just a alpha bulldyke^

  • Nope, just an alpha female actually!

    Some women are alpha's, just like some men are alpha's. However, I've never met an alpha male - they might be rare. But I've met, plenty of alpha women :-)

  • Didn't you say alphas don't bother with this s***? oh nooo nooo wait it is just human weakness.

  • Lol inaccurate again :)

  • Foolish

  • Ohhh you alpha soo f****** hot you wana dominate eh? you got some kinky s*** ropes, gags, all the toys. oh oh baby your soo strong you can just take such control ohhh soo clear and decisive in your movements ooooo you just know that body language down to a T. such a worldly genius you are soo independant and powerful. you have control over soo soo many. you have control over your emotions. your knowledge base spans sooo sooo far way past just spelling and punctuation. damn baby what color is your hair and eyes?

  • Lol!!!! :-) Thank you for the compliments.

  • Have you ever thought that maybe your wife, is uninterested in your affections, because she's too tired to service you, after doing everything for the kids and possibly cooking/cleaning for you aswell? Did you consider discussing your feelings with your wife, before opting to discuss them with another person? You do realise, there's no excuse for cheating regardless of what you tell yourself! A marriage is a partnership, you make time to discuss your feelings to each other, you don't f*** around on each other!

  • She's tired doing her good works. She does everything for the kids too. Like she makes their beds. So I get them to do it and they'll do it once and then not do it and she'll start doing it again. Or I'll organise the kids with chores and she'll do them. Washing ironing cleaning she does it all. If I organise the kids to run the washing machine when they get home from school, she'll do it all in the morning before they get up.

  • And your point is? You do realise you have a dedicated wife who takes care of your children and household. Perhaps, she is enabling her children to be too dependent on her regarding some chores. But, that doesn't warrant you cheating on her! It's a poor excuse and example of how pathetic you're really! So because your wife isn't giving you s** and taking care of your children, you cheat on her?! Come on, that's f****** stupid!

  • The biggest mistake I made was sharing my feelings with her. Her response was to latch onto the sadness and decide I was sick and needed to be fixed. She did not see the feelings of love.

  • You still don't cheat because of this, you idiot! You seek marriage counselling and if she doesn't want to participate in this, you give her an ultimatum and if she still doesn't want to listen to reason, you divorce her then! But you don't cheat!

  • Lose, not loose

  • Loose like your b******* lol lose like you lost any dignity

  • Pretty much my story too in addition my wife was abusive. I worked hard at our marriage for years and she took me for granite that I would never leave because of my kids.
    I too found myself consoling with a friend who was in an abusive marriage.
    We had an affair and I couldn't stand walking into the house with what waited for me. Me taking care of the kids while she went out to do her GF things.

    I divorced that woman. It was hard at first but I found myself again and have lived in paradise having married that friend I consoles in. That was 20 years ago. Everyday is a new day for us. We have a lot of time to make up for from the years and years of our bad marriages. Best of all I am extremely close to my kids.

  • That sounds like such a wonderful outcome.

    I've not gotten to that point yet. But I am so happy for you.

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