I think I used marriage to recreate my own childhood

So, I had a pretty regular childhood. But I had a poor relationship with my father, who was there but NEVER emotionally available. I'm in my 20s and married now, to a man much, much older than me. In my house there is my husband daddy, no children except for me and I'm quite spoiled, ( I always wanted to be an only child, ha) I have all the pets that I was never allowed to have at home because Dad hated animals, and I myself am the daughter/wife/mother. All of this makes me very happy and content, like I gamed the system and recreated my childhood situation to be how I wanted it. But I'm wondering if it's exactly healthy. I thought I was clever in marrying a man who is NOTHING like my dad, because a lot of women marry men just like their fathers. But now I'm wondering if this is just as bad?

Mar 11, 2018

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  • There's really so much at play here. Are there patterns you could be following because of your relationship (or lack thereof) with your father ..sure. Could you now be looking at all that you have and feeling that you're missing something..sure. Don't compare yourself to others. If your father is still alive, consider reaching out to see what kind of relationship you can salvage. There may be a lot of effort on your part because he just may not know how to be that kind of father you need him to be. And maybe you redefine how he fits into your life. Maybe if you live nearby, you can work to create a monthly tradition where you meet for dinner or something. He may also find you more relateable as an adult. As for your current husband, if you are happy with him - who he is - that is all that matters. As children, we learn about relationships by what our parents model for us. So that can influence us and our decisions, but nothing is ever set in stone. The man you married being unlike your father is not a bad thing..it's how you two connect. But really only you can answer that. Maybe you need to examine more what is missing from your life and seek how to fulfill the void. This is most likely a lesson that will continue throughout your life. That's not a bad thing, because we area always learning and growing and changing. Maybe it's creating experiences than buying material things. Maybe it's volunteering or traveling. It would be interesting to find out when did these questions begin to surface for you? Was there an event that is making you start to look more closely at your life??

  • Thanks for your reply!! Unfortunately, I learned a long time ago I can never trust my dad. He's stolen money from me, and really only cares about money. But I actually have tried to salvage something with him. If he calls I answer, and sometimes we do eat together. I'm cordial with him, even though I don't like him at all. But I don't hate him. I always knew my future husband would be my husband/daddy. The daddy hole is one I have been trying to fill for a while. I would make a "family" enviorment whenever I could. When I was in church, there were two people I called "mommy and daddy," and when I started working in fast food I often called the male managers "daddy," and sometimes the females "mommy." But I think what really made me start thinking about it, is realising how obsessed I am with my childhood. There is not a single event from my childhood that I don't replay in my mind a lot. I also talk about it wayyy too much. When I smoke weed, I'm always just flooded with memories, haha. Usually happy ones, but still. I'm trying hard to stop talking about it, but I don't really mind the way I am, because the memories are very comforting to me. I'm just scared of being so neurotic that I ruin everything.

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