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I'm abusive
I am a toxic person. I've always been questioning it, but now I am sure of it. It wasn't until I was put into a position where I had to look back to see how I was treated growing up and how messed up it was, that I realized it was the same way I was treating others. I'm emotionally abusive to my "boyfriend" (I'm using the term loosely because we are on a break right now). I try to control him to get him to fulfill my needs, especially when it comes to other women, and when he can't, I act horribly. I lecture him on what he did wrong, how to do it right, and give him the silent treatment so he knows when he is in the wrong... I've done it so much that now he feels exhausted and it's my fault. I treat him almost the same way my mom (who some of us believe is a narcissist) treats me and those around her... it frightens me. There is probably more but I can't think of it right now. The breaking point was tonight when I tried to intimate my little brother to complete a chore and when he got an attitude, I got in his face. He pushed me away and looked ready to fight me, so I struck his face with a punch. It ended with him crying and saying he hates me and I got in trouble of course. I feel so much shame. I'm so angry at myself. My mom used to beat me. My older brother used to physically abuse me for just being in his way at the wrong time. I don't know how I could do this to people knowing the pain it caused me. I feel like the biggest piece of ** ever. I don't want to be this way. How do I change? How do I stop letting my past define me? My boyfriend has been through so much as it is and he has been so kind to me. I didn't realize what I as doing was wrong until I became aware of it. How could I do this to him? How could I do this to my brother when not too long ago I was in his same exact position? I feel like a monster. I hope someone can read this and genuinely point me in the direction to get help. Call me an abuser, call me a piece of **, fine, but please just help me understand or give me advice so I can actually change because I don't want to be like this. I'm truly desperate.
A relationship isn't toxic if both parties are being fulfilled by it. My previous girlfriend was quite selfish, lazy and willing to take out of the relationship more than she put in, but it was a situation that I was happy to go along with, in fact I actually enjoyed it. What it came down to was that I enjoyed serving her, indulging her, and pampering her and she was quite happy to let me do it. Even sexually I did much more for her than she did for me, but it wasn't a problem for me so the relationship worked.