The truth is I feel pain and suffering every day and I always think maybe it will change even though I have been doing this a long time but I realized it won't change. The truth is I want to kill my stepdad but I know that if I do it I will become something just like him. What hurts the most is how manipulative he is playing with emotions preaching about god to justify what he is doing. deep down inside I feel hate but hate is such a strong word and is always being misused. I want it to end everyday its like flipping a coin you either get the good side or the bad. When to good side pops up my stepdad is nice and polite it's like a different person but deep down I know its a cover it all lies. The truth to me is he is manipulative and used to getting what he wants. He does not work he does not do chores as much as he thinks. I cannot tell you how many times I have seen destruction and it hurts. In public he puts on a mask he acts polite and generous but hidden behind it is someone who does not work, drinks lots of beer and just tonight I was sent to drop him off at Walmart just for him to pick up 5 things. He didn't pick up what was needed instead he bought over 269 dollars worth of stuff that was not needed. ve is And I forced to wait in the parking for something that should take 30 minutes at most instead more than an hour and a half. the truth is I debated leaving and going home, but I didn't because I knew my mom would not forgive me. I have tried to tell the truth but it is hard for me to speak about something like this to someone who I believe is a hero in my eyes. And yet what little I have said it seems it means nothing its still the same I should know by now my mom will stand by him no matter what and forgive him for everything he does the needless spending of money the destruction of property the getting arrested all of it means nothing is this love that people preach about I don't know. I love my mom, my brother, and my sister. So when this happens I feel pain beyond belief the hidden secret I have is dreams of finally ending it all this pain and suffering and when I am in these dreams I laugh and feel so much joy that it hurts to wake up. I want my stepdad dead but wishing that is to me a sinner. It is something I can't seem to do I contemplate doing it but I know I cant it seems to be my weakness. I hate it I fear it and I don't know what to do. I see it in my sibling's eyes they feel the same with little differences here and there I hate it I hate it I hate it the crying and the tears It hurts. I wish this pain will go away I wish I can throw away this weakness I wish that someone would kill my stepdad I wish. This is my confession and my pain.

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