My wife's sexual past haunts me. I am ready to divorce.
I confess that I was too naive to have married the woman that I did. I should start out by saying that I am a Christian, and I look to the Bible for truth in pretty much everything I do. I was a virgin when I met her, and still was till our wedding night. Due to my lack of sexual experience, I was clueless as to how I would feel about her after our first time making love, and due to my Christianity, I was always told to forgive others. However, as I have become aware, forgiveness does nothing to change the past, as as well as how it affects each of us. It merely proclaims to the abuser that we won't take retalitory action against them like they deserve. Also, the whole "forgive and forget" phrase is complete garbage, and not even the slightest bit Biblical. Even God hasn't forgotten all of my sins. He has simply taken out his anger and wrath on His Son in my sinful place (that's Christianity 101 for you).
My wife was an agnostic for most of her life, before being saved as a Christian. It was doing these agnostic years that she slept with her various lovers. Anyway, after we made love for the first time, I began to have nightmares and thoughts of all her previous boyfriends doing fhe same with her. I still have them to this day, and they drive me crazy. Probably the most damning is how I now understand what the Bible means in 1 Corinthians 7:4 about each spouses body belonging to the other spouse. I feel like I gave her an untouched feast to dine on, and got someone else's moldy leftovers from her in return.
Anyway, we've been married for almost two years now, and due to my not getting over her past, I no longer desire to get intimate with her at all. I always find myself repulsed and pulling away from her whenever she makes an advance. The only times I have s** with her are when she starts nagging and crying about the lack of it, just to make her shut up for a while. Even then, I just tune her out and go through the motions to get it over with, despite the visions in my head.
I have read in the Bible in Matthew 19:9 where Jesus permitted divorce from adulterous spouses. I often find myself pleading to God in prayer for either death or adultery for my wife, so I can get out of this heinous marriage I've gotten myself into by His standards without sinning myself. I know this is completely wrong, but it does give me relief and peace to ask God to please end this suffering in a way that He has deemed as allowable in His word. It does hurt, because I remember when I used to be so in love with my wife before we got married and consummated. Don't get me wrong, I still provide and care for her. I still love her, but I am definitely not in love with her by any stretch of the imagination. The truth is, since our wedding night, she has never really felt like my wife. Instead, she feels like someone else's that I have been left with for the rest of my life.