I'm gay but...

I'm a 29 year old gay man, soon to be 30 (Happy birthday to me!), but I'm having trouble with my sexuality. I have very poor self esteem due to certain life events.

Tl:dr- body issues causing self esteem issues, affecting the way I see myself in the community and future lover.

I've always been a larger man, ever since I was a boy, I was never really athletic or anything, even though I loved playing in the yard and our woods. Being a chubby boy I was picked on by classmates, and being emotionally sensitive just made the bullies flock to me like vultures. Then teen years came and the taunts went from fat ass to f*****.

I experimented with girls, but never was into them the same way I was guys. Then came the sexual experiments of the awkward teenager, being made fun of for my size, which isn't as small as it could be at a halfway decent 4.5 inches.

My size along with my body issues seriously affects my life. Along with the "no fatties" types only serve to exasperate the problems I have. I've settled among the bear community, but even there I don't feel comfortable with my body. It's more like that's what I'm attracted to, but I totally despise on myself. And I can't start a relationship, because I subscribe to the idea that you can't love someone until you love yourself. On the flipside though having someone love me for who I am would help me overcome my issues.

Sorry for the long read, but I needed to get that off my chest.

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  • On69my69back@gmail.com
    i love ur story

  • I am married. I love my wife but I also have a boyfriend that I see discretely too. I enjoy s** with him. You should experiment and enjoy yourself.

  • Happy Birthday btw! You are not alone in your struggle to love and accept yourself and at the same time look for someone who will love you unconditionally. Self esteem can be a life long battle. We all deal with insecurity throughout our lives.. it varies for everyone. Maybe the best way to deal with it is to take care of yourself. First accept that no one is perfect. Everyone has something they think needs to be longer, bigger, shorter, taller, thinner, fatter etc. When you are eating right and exercising your body responds and you feel better and look better. When you are feeling better you begin to exude positivity and happiness and that can be infectous. It doesn't cure everything, but certainly helps. It may benefit you a lot to talk with a therapist to talk about the ptsd you have experienced and your body dysmorphia. Know that you are deserving of loving yourself and being loved regardless of your weight.

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